Feeling so alone

(14 Posts)
caza25 Fri 08-Apr-16 21:33:51

I have just had my 4th m/c which is so heart breaking because I don't know why. I had only told family and a few friends after my 2nd m/c. I had such a bad experience where after the first week no one ever asked again how I was feeling. So I never told anyone about my 3rd m/c. But after my 4th I was so in need to help and support I thought I would tell my family and my close friends again. I have so regretted that decision. My mum first asked what happened had I lifted something. My sister said when I rang her that I didn't need to call as it was probably to tough for me to talk. Then texted 4 days later and said that she hasn't called or texted to give me space. My other family have't been in contact. My friehds texted once and that has been it. Not only have lost my babies, I have also lost all trust in my family and friends. I am not sure how to get through this. Luckily my partner has been good at helping but doesn't really understand my loneliness. Has anyone else experienced this?

KittyandTeal Sat 09-Apr-16 16:09:42

I'm so sorry you've been through this.

Pregnancy and baby loss is such a lonely experience. I've lost 2 babies (late losses) in the past 14 months. My recent loss was 14 weeks, I think people have assumed because it was earlier than my last then it's somehow easier.

I've found I've had much less support this time round. The first time I think people felt they could tell me it wouldn't happen again and there will always be next time etc. This time they don't know what to say, it may well happen again, there won't be a next time.

I feel that baby loss is the thing that people dread, no one wants to talk about it, and so it is lonely.

You aren't alone though. We are here and (kind of) understand how you feel

Katarzyna79 Sat 09-Apr-16 17:39:27

ive had 4 so called normal births no problems what so ever low risk. I was due to have my baby in 2 weeks, only to be told there was no heartbeat at 35 weeks.

happened 3 days ago. my husband has been distant, he's in pieces. He was present but he may as well have been absent to me. ive been there for him given him a shoulder to cry on. But he wasn't there for me in hospital he sat on the opposite sofa, never came near me, too busy crying himself.

I guess its my fault because I keep my tears locked away I cry at night when hes a asleep, and I'm too busy to cry in the day caring for my other kids and other elders that live with me.

I understand how you feel OP I should have been moving house and city starting a new chapter with this baby now I'm just moving with some shitty memory box the hospital gave me, whilst other mums move with live babies.

life doesn't seem worth it to me, why are we even here. I believe in God follow a religion but I cant say I'm fidning any comfort in it right now, it's just words means nothing right now. maybe ill change my mind in a few weeks but right now nothing in religion, nothing anyone says makes a difference. I just smile nod I know they have the best intentions but id rather be left alone.

The only person I want for moral support is my husband but hes not there for me.

ive never been used to hugs never had any as a child, but the best I ever felt was when my midwife hugged me really tight and said I was such a brave strong woman. That's all I need from my husband haven't received it yet.

I'll be thinking of you OP I;m here if you want to pour your heart out

KittyandTeal Sat 09-Apr-16 18:05:05

Kat I'm so sorry for your loss.

It is so hard when the person you need the most isn't there and grieves in their own world.

I know you hate that memory box right now (I did) but it will bring you some comfort in the months and years to come, as will your religion I'm sure (I can't really speak to that as I am an atheist)

Have you been in contact with sands? They are brilliant, even if you just call he helpline and have someone listen to you cry. I go to the support groups locally and although I hated joining the 'club' it's been comforting speaking to others who feel the same.

Don't lock your tears away, cry when you need to, even if your dh is as well. How are your other children? It can be really hard dealing with other children when all you want to do it curl up and cry.

I can't give you a tight hug but I can say you are a strong woman and you will get through this, not over it but to a place of new normal and a more comfortable place in your heart for your baby. Unfortunately you will get through it simply because you have to 💐

caza25 Sat 09-Apr-16 19:20:49

Thank you for your messages. Really sorry for your losses. It is really tough, I sending you loads of hugs and strength to us all so that we can get through this and be the successful stories that I see here. Xx

Katarzyna79 Sat 09-Apr-16 20:47:27

thank you kittyandteal and caza

Kaddy Sat 09-Apr-16 20:54:09

Kat and Caz I know you shouldn't have to but might it be better to tell people what you want. Everyone deals with loss differently and what you are reading as indifference might be someone's genuine efforts to do the right thing.
When you tell people about what has happened you could let them know that you would prefer it if they asked you about it from time to time and that if you change your mind them you will let them know.

thanks thanks

Lollipopstick Sun 10-Apr-16 15:55:47

flowers
Sorry to you all.

People don't understand how they should act or how you feel.

My friend had a stillbirth and I sent her a text but was afraid to phone her as I thought I would be intruding.

Then I had 5 miscarriages in a row and I was so desperate for someone just up call and listen to me. It was my friend who had the stillbirth who rang straight away each time.

I remember one friend texted me after she heard about my fourth miscarriage and said 'onwards and upwards' - I wished she hadn't sent any text - it just sounded so dismissive even though I'm sure she meant well.

caza25 Sun 10-Apr-16 21:58:55

Thanks for your messages. I think I have in some way accepted that no one wants to talk about your misccariages. But it is still hard. There has been many times where I have played out in my head what I want to say to people. But when I am talking to them the words just don't come out. I go silent, they go silent and then you go on to talk about non trial things. I really wish society was different that I could make society different by saying to family and friends how hurt I am but I don't know how. Maybe by accepting it in a way I can move on but sadly with a lot less trust in people. However, I have a friend who has been through a number of misccariages and I am luck to be able to reach out to her and my husband has really helped me. Maybe one day when I have hopefully my success story, keeping faith, hope and love in my heart, I can let people know and educate them. Thank you all for your message you have truly helped me over the dark cloud of this weekend.

caza25 Sun 10-Apr-16 22:08:24

I would also like to add that I wish I could take all your pain away, and I would like to offer you all a big hug. I hope that we all see a way through this awful time and that our smiles come back again, while we hold our babies close to our hearts.

ThinkBeforePosting Mon 11-Apr-16 00:48:23

thanks

PeppasNanna Mon 11-Apr-16 00:58:47

I had a MMC 3 years ago. My lasting memorybis the isolation. I had never felt so lonely in my entire life.

My dp was useless. My mother & sister (who both had multiple miscarriages) were indifferent to me. They didn't bother to call.

Theres a part of me that's never forgiven them.

My deepest sympathies to all the ladies on this thread, i wish i could hug you all...flowers

mnpeasantry Mon 11-Apr-16 17:37:13

So so sorry for your loss. The irony is people think it is getting easier for you when really it is getting so much harder to deal with as despair sets in.

Let yourself grieve and fuck those who talk about how common it is and at least you can still get pregnant and all the other bullshit you hear that would be so unacceptable in the context of other loss people experience.

I really hope you find your happy ending. Are you getting support in terms of finding out possible causes? The NHS should be helping you at this stage but often don't test for high natural killer cells. Can't recommend Mr Shehata enough if you have the chance to use him. Wish you the best OP. thanksthanksthanks

Katarzyna79 Mon 11-Apr-16 20:25:35

well i prefer ppl giving me space so i asked for no big crowds wen i returned home and in hospital i had no visitors by choice. To be honest theyd be balling their eyes out snd i would hold back i prefer to cry in private.

i know ppl mean well but words mean nothing to me. I prefer texts or a call i can deal with that seems genuine but the rest i could do without.

If money was no object id go abroad for a few weeks just to get away from.eve theyre eager to visit and give me a hug i dont want all that. I dont want ppl blaming medical staff, looking for answers. its no ones fault, there was no incompetance.even if there was i believe in destiny too.for whatever reason unknown to me this was written and was going to occur.no one could have altered that course. I dont want to go over wat ifs.my siblings and sis in laws are doing that a lot, it upsets me. Otherwise i keep myself together

I chose not to go for postmortem because we bury the body asap and a little over a week seemed too much. If i had a history of stillbirths i think i would change my mind, but i'm happy with my decision. They will test the placenta and my bloods took lots.

Thank you ladies for your kind words it really means a lot xxx

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