Blaming myself - please help

[1001questions]

As each day passes I've found myself feeling more guilty about what happened. I am convinced I caused my miscarriage and can't seem to shift the idea that I made it happen because I was so scared of having a baby.

It's true, I am terrified of childbirth but I wanted one more than anything and it's not impossible that this was my last chance.

I did quite a few things that I should not have done after I knew about the pregnancy and should have been looking after myself. I went out and had a full blown panic attack, which cannot be good, and I physically exhausted myself trying to get somewhere when I was worried I was going to let down a friend - there were other things as well. I just cannot shake this feeling that if I'd gone home and tried to calm down this might not have happened.

I'm really scared and think I need help, but I don't know where I'll get it. I'm a long term depression/anxiety sufferer and don't get much help at the best of times, but this is different and I am genuinely scared I'm going to hit rock bottom. There is no way I can carry this around for the rest of my life.

Can anyone help? I need to get into a better place emotionally, and soon, because if OH and I are going to try and get pregnant again (this one was an accident) then I have to get a handle on this anxiety. Right now all I can think is how the hell am I ever going to be able to have a baby and be any sort of a mother if I can't even stay pregnant for 2 weeks. I feel so scared and alone :(

[slebmum1]

It is absolutely definitely not your fault. Might it be worth seeing a counsellor?

[1001questions]

Thank you. But I feel deep down that it was because of something I did.

I probably could do with seeing a counsellor but don't know where to start with arranging that. I should be grateful really as I could afford a private one, but right now I almost don't see the point in trying because I'm so convinced of what happened.

[Starspread]

It's absolutely not your fault. Not in any way. Your body is amazing and sometimes it can save you from a pregnancy that just was never going to work out (I had an early miscarriage before I had my son). Here is how it helped me to think about it.

Healthy pregnancies are actually very very stable things. Think of all the women who (tragically) have babies in war zones, while they're refugees, while they're under immense stress, while they're unwell, while they do all the 'wrong' things. Anything you've done or not done would not have affected a healthy stable pregnancy - your body simply knew that this genetic roll of the dice couldn't go any further.

I'm so sorry for your loss; I hope you're able to talk to and lean on your partner while you both grieve this.

[1001questions]

Thank you, that is a very valid point. I am carrying around an enormous amount of guilt right now (guilt that I let it happen without it being 'planned' in the first place, guilt that it then didn't work out - maybe because on some level I didn't want it?) and I hope that this is what's clouding my judgement. But it really is very hard to be objective about it and at the moment I'm mostly failing :(

[MyKingdomForBrie]

It is really so unlikely to be anything you did. 1 in 3 pregnancies end in miscarriage at that stage simply because things go wrong in the process and the foetus isn't viable. It's easy to say don't blame yourself but I think time will help you see that this wasn't your fault.

You're right that you need to take care of your mental health if you want to ttc, it is very tiring and emotional being pregnant so you need to be as healthy as possible for yourself.

[1001questions]

This is my worry, I'm scared that I'm simply not up to the job emotionally. 2 weeks was enough for me to completely lose my mind, it seems.

All I can hope is that if it happened again and it was planned and not a huge shock/guilt trip like this was then I might cope better but I do worry that perhaps I'm just too weak mentally to deal with the hormones. I feel like a total failure right now.

[SwallowsInSpring]

The hormones are really strong- be kind to yourself now, as part of the reason you're feeling so low is the switch in hormones from being pregnant to not pregnant.

I did a lot of reading around causes of miscarriage when I had my first MC which helped me to see that it's actually difficult to 'cause' a MC. Some people don't even know they're pregnant until late on/full term and did all the 'wrong' things without having miscarriages. And plenty of people do everything 'right' and still have them.

If you suffer from anxiety etc normally, then perhaps counselling for this in general is a good idea, but meanwhile show yourself some compassion, try and treat yourself as you would treat a loved friend going through it and get through each day as it comes. You are allowed to feel sad and guilt is part of that grief, but not once it becomes poisonous to you.

Take care

[TestingTestingWonTooFree]

Definitely not your fault. Having anxiety is also not your fault. Getting someone to talk to in real life, either a friend or a professional counsellor would be a good idea.

[1001questions]

Thanks guys. It's so hard to know who to talk to (or even tell) and although I have some supportive family members, most are just of the opinion that I just need to get myself up the duff again and next time everythin gwill be fine. Tbh I now think I'd find it harder than before to 'go for it' because I know how anxious it makes me.

[Primaryteach87]

Please don't blame yourself, it's certainly not going to have been caused by these things.

As an aside I had a complete anxiety attack just before my miscarriage. My consultant said it was most likely caused/impact by the imminent miscarriage and crashing hormone (not the other way around). Just another way of thinking about it.

[OhtoblazeswithElvira]

Hi OP

I've had two healthy babies and a MC - I guess I match the "1 in 3" statistic. I had unexplained bleeding even with the successful pregnancies which was incredibly stressful (have always suffered with anxiety anyway).

One of the health care professionals that saw me during a bleeding episode told me: if this pregnancy is going to miscarry there is nothing anybody in the world can do about it. Bizarrely this was a very liberating thought, it instantly lowered my anxiety levels.

Conversely like pp said it is very difficult to cause a healthy pregnancy to miscarriage - it is not something you did.

It is a painful event, difficult to dealt with and talking about it helps most people. You might be surprised how many people around you have suffered MCs. It really is very common.

[KittyandTeal]

I felt this too with dd2. She was planned and tried for but happened really quickly. I was utterly terrified of the age gap, how I'd cope, that I'd be letting both of them down.

When she was diagnosed and after my termination I was convinced that my worries and not being over the moon excited had caused her T18 (which I understood at the time was illogical but I felt it really deep down)

After a lot of counselling I understand that this is a part of greif, it is one of the emotions you feel because something illogical, unfair and uncontrollable happened to you and you lost something so important and wanted.

[Penguinepenguins]

Please understand this is absolutely not your fault.

The best piece of advise I have ever had is that you just have to be kind to yourself and that it is not your fault tell myself this everytime

The EPU nurse told me after one MC following a period of my stress that If stress could cause these things there would be no children born during times of war or famine. I was blaming myself terribly at that point for being stressed

Just be kind to yourself OP and it's the hardest thing in the world to accept but sometimes it just happens - it's bloody unfair but sometimes it just happens

[1001questions]

Thanks so much to you all. I am coming round to the idea that a lot of this is to do with my guilt about how my overwhelming response to this pregnancy was terror. Partly about giving birth, partly about my boyfriend's likely reaction, partly just great of my life changing.

Even though I've longed for a baby for most of the last 10 years or so that is also a very long time to get used to a certain lifestyle and identity, even if it wasn't the one you thought you wanted.

I have no idea where to go from here though to be honest. I don't want fear to stop me from ever trying again, but I do feel like I'm in a very vulnerable place emotionally and that it may take longer than I've got to work through these ancients. I don't have any optimism for the future at all right now tbh :(

[Penguinepenguins]

One miscarriage doesn't mean another X in fact most people are lucky enough to have another successful pregancy

[1001questions]

Oh I know - I'm as worried about having a successful pregnancy as I am another miscarriage as I don't know if I'm mentally well enough to cope.

[Primaryteach87]

I really recommend counselling. I had some after my miscarriages and it really helped me a lot. Mine were through a charity so very cheap.

[CarrotVan]

1001 - you can access specialist mental health antenatal services via your midwife to help you manage your anxiety. It sounds as though you need counselling and a good chat with your GP to get yourself in a stronger mental position for trying again.