Returning to work after 2nd late loss

(22 Posts)
marmiteontoast76 Sat 26-Mar-16 12:01:03

Help needed please! I'm in a complete mess as to what to do.

Some of you on this board already know I had a 20 week loss in September. I returned to my 4-day-a-week job about a month later (open plan office of 30 people). It was emotionally tough returning, some colleagues showered me with sympathy, others avoided me. I fell pregs quickly with my 'rainbow' baby which gave me hope and got me through the run up to Christmas.

In Feb we lost our 'rainbow' baby at 19 weeks. Complete devastation. Gp signed me off for 6 weeks. Due to return in 2 weeks time.

I can't face it, just want to hide from the office forever. I feel like a freak show and the thought of sitting back at my desk where I've spent the past year being pregnant terrifies me. Two losses in 6 months is just too much even for a trooper like me. I've been thinking about handing in notice and going back to working for myself at home just 2 days per week which would mean less money but more time to spend with my 2 dcs and fully concentrate on my family. My situation is unique so I've no idea how much time I should take to recover. Two of my colleagues have also been pregs for 9 months but they will have lives babies and go on maternity leave for up to a year.

I've just got my first period since the loss. It's crazily heavy so can't go anywhere (tmi). My hormones are all over the place. I'm waiting for post mortem results and don't feel I can move on until we get them in 3 weeks time. They may tell us that there is a problem with me.....have already had a highish thyroid result.

Sorry for long post. Don't know if anyone can help but good to get it all down.

marmiteontoast76 Sat 26-Mar-16 12:05:00

Meant to say, I'm a fairly private person and hate that my 30 colleagues all know my fertlity problems and can't bear the thought of being 'on stage'. At the moment I feel safe and comfortable being with my family, or friends who've suffered losses, or with my bereavement counsellor. But NOT in an office of 30 within a company of 300.

KittyandTeal Sat 26-Mar-16 12:05:42

I'm really sorry you're feeling so rubbish marmite.

No advice because I feel exactly the same way, I can't even think about going back. My counsellor dos say to me 'maybe that's telling you something' which is a good point.

Can you get signed off longer or is that a big no?

magpie17 Sat 26-Mar-16 12:08:18

God, poor you. I've no experience of this but I say take as long as you need. Two colleagues of mine have sadly experienced still birth/neonatal loss and both were off for nearly a year. Nobody batted an eyelid at all and everyone was very sympathetic. Six weeks after what you have been through sounds very short. Could you see your GP and maybe get signed of for another six weeks and take it from there?

I'm really so sorry for your losses thanks

APotterWithAHappyAtmosphere Sat 26-Mar-16 12:15:41

I'm so sorry for your losses. thanks

It sounds to me like you need to go back to the GP and ask them to sign you off for longer.

I have had 3 mc (all at <9 weeks) and I found the first period after to be emotionally and hormonally debilitating. I don't think this is the time to do anything but look after yourself.

It will be hard to separate whether it is the initial awfulness of going back that will be hardest and once you get over that bump you'll feel better for having the routine and purpose, or whether changing your lifestyle and work long term is the right thing for you, but take a couple more weeks to think about it if you can both in terms of the emotional impact and the practicalities.

All the best to you.

marmiteontoast76 Sat 26-Mar-16 12:17:14

Thanks Magpie. I feel guilty about not being there, sounds daft doesn't it. Feel like I was a bad investment as when I started there two years back they just assumed my baby days were over as I'd had a couple of kids who were at school age. Yes I think another 6 weeks could give more time to heal plus get my head round results and start seeing consultants.

Hi Kitty. Sorry you feel the same. It's so hard isn't it? I guess you are feeling pressure to return after the Easter holidays?

I really feel terrible. We had pregnancy announcement number 10 last night. So that's TEN friends due between now and August. I'm happy for them all of course, but this many pregnancies is overload. Feel like I'm being punished for something!

marmiteontoast76 Sat 26-Mar-16 12:18:56

Thanks for your advice Potter and really sorry for your three losses.

RandomMess Sat 26-Mar-16 12:19:56

I think you need more time off, as you've said you are desperate for the pm results, you will then need to deal with the outcome of them.

flowers

Coconutty Sat 26-Mar-16 12:20:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Coconutty Sat 26-Mar-16 12:21:17

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

marmiteontoast76 Sat 26-Mar-16 12:25:34

No that was perfectly explained Coconutty, thank you. Sorry to hear that you went through a trauma last year, I do hope that things are better for you now.

KittyandTeal Sat 26-Mar-16 12:34:37

Bloody hell, 10! That's teally tough going.

I spent the day with sil who is 36 weeks pregnant yesterday he that was hard enough.

Yes I'm feeling the pressure to go back after holidays but I've lost all drive to do anything. I'm just so bloody fed up and sad all the time it's exhausting!

marmiteontoast76 Sat 26-Mar-16 12:41:48

Yes 10 and they are all sailing through their pregnancies.....one of their dh's told me she was finding pregnancy easy and already planning to ttc the next one asap after the birth.

Must of been tough for you yesterday, was she sympathetic and thoughtfull to your feelings? Hope so.

I'm fed up with feeling sad too and can't see an end to it now that we've decided not to try again. It's shit. This has been the worst pmt ever, but hoping now period has arrived my mood might lift a bit.

FadedRed Sat 26-Mar-16 12:42:39

Agree with pp's that you need more time off work. Also consider asking for or using A/L to go back on less days for a while, so you go in for a shorter day/ fewer days per week to start with.
flowers

marmiteontoast76 Sat 26-Mar-16 12:44:36

......none of those 10 have ever miscarried and most already have dcs and are late 30s, but I wouldn't wish mc on any of them. SO WHY ME AND WTF AM I SUFFERRING DOUBLE WHAMMY LATE LOSS...ARRGGHHHGG!!!!

KittyandTeal Sat 26-Mar-16 12:50:34

They tried to be but it was a family thing and everyone was so excited with baby talk. DH and I just switched off tbh. It does somehow feel extra shit once you've decided not to try again.

It seems so unfair that this could happen twice. I still don't seem to be able to wrap my head around it and understand. My counsellor said maybe I won't ever understand or get my head around it because it's such a huge thing. Maybe I shouldn't!

I saw a heavily pregnant woman at the park yesterday chuffing away in fag after fag. I know it's non of my business and nothing to do with me or my losses but I just wanted to shout with all my might 'are you fucking kidding me!'

I'm definitely more angry this time round, or maybe I'm just more comfortable letting it out and not pushing it down.

marmiteontoast76 Sat 26-Mar-16 12:59:01

Yes I'm more angry this time too and seem to hate people. Have to keep pinching myself that this has actually happened twice, it just seems so totally bizarre.

Yes how awful at the park and so unfair. I spent two years getting my body ready for another dc...in that time I weaned myself off of my ads, stopped drinking, starting exercising and taking folic acid/multi vits. And still had two late ones.

KittyandTeal Sat 26-Mar-16 13:30:49

Yep, it's about as shit as it gets!

Def get yourself signed of longer. There's no point battling on when you're feeling this crap, no one gives you credit for it anyway.

MaybeDoctor Sat 26-Mar-16 14:00:50

I am so sorry.

The only thing I can think of is to ask for a phased return, or maybe to work at another desk for a few days when you first go back?

nailsathome Sat 26-Mar-16 17:32:15

I'm sorry you're struggling. I agree you should take more time off. I know what you mean about not wanting to be on stage but you need time to decide whether resigning is the right decision for you.

I've just had my second mmc and I'm dreading returning to work next week after three weeks off.

marmiteontoast76 Sat 26-Mar-16 18:38:40

Thanks Nailsathome. Sorry to hear about your second mmc. I hope your return goes ok once you are over that hurdle of the first day back.

Chottie Sat 26-Mar-16 19:37:04

flowers for you and I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your two babies.

I agree with everyone else, please go and see your doctor and get signed off work. This is the time to be kind to yourself and return when you feel strong enough. Don't make any final decisions which you may later regret at the moment.

BTW - I had a very difficult time last year and had to return to work after an awful family tragedy. I asked my boss to let everyone know and also ask them to respect my privacy and that I did not wish to discuss it at all. For me this was my way of coping. People were kind and left flowers on my desk and said how nice it was to see me back again. I was dreading it, but it was ok.

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