I'm sat sorting through DS's baby clothes to give to my friend who's pregnant. She's due almost a year to the day since I miscarried my baby girl. I thought I was dealing with this but as happy as I am for her I feel like my heart is breaking. The world's kept turning and everyone has forgotten about my baby girl. No one remembers. Everyone thinks I'm okay and I'm strong but I'm not. I'm packing up clothes I should be dressing my baby girl in and giving them to someone else. I should be exhaustedly juggling my 3yo and 1 month old and instead I'm pathetically sobbing into a baby grow that I'll watch one of my closest friends dress her baby in. It just feels so cruel. I've been holding it all together and today I've run out of strength. I just don't know how to be okay with this 
Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum.
Miscarriage/pregnancy loss
Not strong enough
WannaGoToTheSeaside · 25/01/2016 15:29
Oh love. I'm so sorry. This is awful for you. How kind of you to give your friend the clothes.
There are no rules about getting over this. No should be betters or time limit when it stops making you sad. You say no-one knows how you're feeling-is there anyone irl you can talk to so they do know? I found having just one friend who knew to squeeze my hand when everyone fussed over a pregnancy or new baby meant the world to me.
to you and a hand squeeze.
Thank you for the flowers and hand squeeze 
The only friend I had that understood is the one that's pregnant now, and I could never tell her how I feel. I think she knows to a certain extent and she's been very sensitive, but I could never tell her how I'm struggling with it. She deserves all the joy this baby is bringing her and I could never put a downer on that.
None of my other friends understand. I think they think I'm over it.
My partner left a few months after the miscarriage which was about 2 weeks before my friend told me she's pregnant so I don't have him anymore either.
I do have an appointment wih my gp on Friday which I'm petrified about. I've kept on going for DS while my life has fallen apart around me and everyone thinks I'm okay. Everyone says how strong I've been but I haven't. I'm so scared to admit I'm not dealing with this.
This has turned into such a pity fest. I just don't know how to pick up the pieces right now
I am so sorry for your loss. Take as long as you need to mourn and grieve your baby daughter. There are no rules.
I'm so so sorry for your terrible loss.
I think it's a very brave and sensible thing to see your GP.
Your world was torn apart last year and it so hard when people just... forget. Or when your appearance of strength is so convincing that they believe you.
You need time and help to deal with your grief- for your little girl, and for the ending of your relationship with your DP and the possibility of more children in that particular life you had.
It's not a sign of weakness to need help. It is a sign of you being honest with yourself and admitting to your absolutely natural heartbreak. Your GP will be glad to help you, I'm sure of it. And there IS help for you. Life can still hold such joy and delight even though you have been through such pain.
I wish you the best OP. Keep talking to us here if you need it, and for as long as you need it. There is no time limit on grieving, even if the world around us sometimes thinks there is.
Well I'm home and I've just sobbed my way through all of your messages.
I'm so sorry to everyone else who's suffered a loss
Kitty I'm sorry for your loss and congratulations on your surprise baby! No I've not had any counselling, I've not really even admitted to myself how badly I'm dealing with this until this week. I do feel very much like I need to give the clothes away. I was planning to give them away to this friend before I fell pregnant as I knew she was ttc. My miscarriage has delayed it all slightly but it's still something I need to do.
Every time someone says I'm strong I want to scream. I'm not strong. I don't feel strong. I have no choice but to get up every day and go through the motions. I have no option but to keep everything as normal as possible for DS. I'm barely keeping my head above water most of the time but I'm all DS has and he needs me to keep fighting through this.
This week everything seems to have accumulated and made me realise quite how shit I feel. My ex has been in touch which just reminds me of what I've lost. And a few nights ago DS asked me if he was going to have a baby sister like his friends. His innocent little face looked heartbroken when I explained he wasn't.
My gp is lovely but I'm so scared to say out loud how I'm feeling. I've just been pretending to be okay for months now and I don't want to let that guard down.
My friends don't know what to say to me if I mention my baby. They all seem to clam up and not say anything and that's worse. I just want someone to say 'do you know what, it's fucking shit and I can't say anything to make it better but I'm right here holding your hand'. I don't want to do this on my own. I want my ex to give me a hug and tell me he's in this with me and he's not going anywhere. My whole future has crumbled away from beneath me and I don't know how to fix it on my own. I didn't want this to be about my ex but when he left I feel like he took away a little bit of my baby, and he took away my safe place to grieve.
Thank you all so much for your kind comments. It's so bitter sweet but knowing I'm not totally alone makes everything seem a little better
I've just seen your update and wanted to bump for you so you might get some more handholding.
You're absolutely right. It is shit. Utterly utterly shit and I can't imagine how much the shiftiness is magnified by your DP leaving. Sometimes a cuddle makes such a difference, if only for a short while.
So I'm sending you a big virtual bear hug- a really big squeezy hug for all of the awful shit you've been through.
Listen to Kitty, she speaks with experience. Counselling isn't you failing, or letting the side down. it's you reaching out for the help you really do need. Be honest with your GP- you're not going to disappoint anyone by asking for some hands to pull you out of this desperate hole.
We're all here rooting for you.
Hugs, , 
. Keep talking.
I totally understand the needing to give the clothes away. Is counselling something you would consider? I know it's not for everyone but I found it a really safe place to grieve and learn what grief is. I found having a great counsellor a life saver.
I guess I'm also lucky in that my friends are of the 'it's fucking shitty, I can't do anything but I love you' type which is exactly what I need. It's hard to tell people that's what you need though.
It really sounds like you need a safe space to go through all of your loss (including that of you exh too)
in the mean time keep talking, we're here for you
Just been to see my GP, I think that's one of the hardest things I've ever done. I was feeling a lot better today and I almost didn't go but I read back over this thread and it made me realise I needed to do it. She was so lovely and just said a lot of what you've all said to me. We had a chat about how the people around me have reacted to my miscarriage (not knowing what to say so saying nothing). She thinks the problem is that I have no one to talk to, and said that I can keep going back to talk to her but she thinks that won't be enough, so I have a phone number to ring for some counselling services. I'm just sat at home now looking at the phone number. I don't know if I have the strength to keep admitting to people how I feel. Usually when I feel down I go for a run and don't really let myself feel sad, so telling people how I feel is pushing me out of my comfort zone and its the opposite of how I've been dealing with things.
Today started off a good day, I've got a day off after yesterday's deadline and ds is in preschool, and now I just feel scared and alone. My house feels so sad and empty right now
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.