The club that no one wants to belong to.

(60 Posts)
Loki17 Sun 27-Dec-15 08:02:27

I'm supposed to be 11 weeks and 2 days pregnant. We went for a private scan on Wednesday 23rd so that we could surprise our families with our happy news on Christmas eve and tell our 4 year old dd she was going to be a big sister. The scan revealed that our baby stopped growing at between 7-8 weeks. I had no indication that anything was wrong. Super strong nausea even made me think it could be twins. I never had nausea in my first pregnancy. I've struggled though the last couple of months, being sick and completely exhausted. Every day I told myself that I could handle it if it meant my baby was healthy. We had planned our surprise announcement to a tee. A special breakfast with the ils Christmas eve morning. A special tea with my parents Christmas eve night. We had special calenders made with photos of dd. We were going to attach a copy of the scan photo to the date of July 15th with a little message saying 'Due today!'. DD would give it to her grandma and nana, she would be in on the surprise. DD would make sure they looked at the July page. The grandparents would think it was because DD's birthday is in July. Every one would cry and be so surprised because we had kept it so secret. We'd even tricked mum into baby sitting so that we could have our scan. Instead, we had to tell them that there was a baby, but it had died. My dad cried. He never cries. I knew about 3 seconds after the scan had begun. I'd had a scan at 10 weeks with dd. I'd also spent the last few days googling scan pictures at 10 weeks 5 days so I knew what I was supposed to see. What was on the screen was too small. Not the right shape for 10 weeks 5 days. I burst into tears before the sonographer could even ask if I was sure of my dates. My poor dh stood there utterly confused. He didn't realise what I knew immediately. The sonographer explained every thing to him. They were so lovely. The placenta was functioning and so the blood flow made it look as though there was a flicker of a heart beat. I knew it was impossible - I can tell you the date of conception. I was tracking my cycle desperate to conceive. It just wasn't possible for the dates to be wrong. DH was momentarily given hope. They did an internal to confirm and it did. I'd lost my baby 3 weeks ago but my stupid body still thought it was pregnant. Still made me throw up. Still gave me achy boobs with blue veins all over them. Still gave me a small bump. And it was Christmas. We told our parents so that they would understand why we weren't ourselves. But, I wanted to be normal for dd so we pushed on with all of our plans. Special breakfast but without the announcement, pantomime, special tea but without the announcement. Trying to be jolly and festive because we hadn't told my brothers or dh's sisters and their partners because I didn't want to ruin Christmas. Every one came here on Christmas day. My family for breakfast, the in laws for lunch. I cooked, I threw myself into trying to give dd the Christmas we had been planning. Had a bit of a sob when I had a tiny bleed but it stopped so I ploughed on with the festivities, albeit watched very carefully by my mum and mil. By the end of Christmas day I was impressed with my own strength and then promptly fell to bits. Now I'm sat alone downstairs, we have no plans for today, no family to distract me. I'm in bits. My hospital appointment is tomorrow and I'm terrified. There will be another scan which will be awful. Mostly, I'm scared they will tell me to wait and see and I just can't. My baby has died but is still inside of me and that is just heartbreaking. I can't grieve when it is still going on can I? I'm terrified of it happening at home. I can't just flush the toilet and wash my baby into the sewer. Every time I go to the toilet I hold myself just in case my baby comes away so that I can catch it in my hand. I hate my body for not realising. I had another dmall bleed yesterday and some water came away but it all stopped again. I know that other people have it far worse than me. The two things I have been truly grateful for since all this has happened are that I have a healthy dd and that this has happened earlier rather than later in pregnancy. This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me, but is not the worst thing that could have happened. I'm grateful for that. I keep telling dh that I'm going to allow myself to feel whatever I need to feel and that we will get through this. The truth is, I just want to wave a magic wand and make everything ok. I'm angry at myself for planning such an elaborate announcement. I almost feel like I challenged fate or something. I'm terrified of even the thought of trying again. Counting cycle days. Tracking. Peeing on a stick. I just wish this could be different.

Loki17 Sun 27-Dec-15 08:03:24

I'm not expecting anyone to reply. It felt cathartic to get that all out. As garbled as it all is.

honeysucklejasmine Sun 27-Dec-15 08:10:27

Oh Loki flowers You did marvellously giving your DD a wonderful Christmas. You should be so proud of yourself.

I'm so sorry this happened. Nothing I can say to ease the pain really. Be clear with the hospital about your options and your desire for the remains to be respected. And take all the time you need. There's no limit on grief.

lonelystarbuckslover Sun 27-Dec-15 09:53:05

Heartbreaking how your life can change so suddenly

I'm a club member since February of this year and I still struggle navigating my way through this grief but if I can be there for someone then my pain isn't for nothing. The only good thing about this club is that we are very, very lovely.

You've done good this christmas. Anyone dealing with it that managed to get out of bed has done good. Anyone who stayed in bed all damn day and has just breathed that day has done good.

Much love x

Nishky Sun 27-Dec-15 09:57:02

You didn't challenge fate, it was nothing you did or didn't do.

So sorry you had to join the club x

Nishky Sun 27-Dec-15 10:00:03

Sorry, that last sentence seemed wrong, I am 10 years down the line from the last of 3 m/c all were different, all horrific.

It's hard to give advice, I think you have to just accept the grief. Many years afterwards I bought jewellery to represent my list babies, which I wear every day. This brought me comfort, but as I say it was many years down the line before I could do it.

Nishky Sun 27-Dec-15 10:00:20

*lost

SeriousStuff Sun 27-Dec-15 11:19:07

Loki we had already told our parents and siblings because there was no way I was going to be able to hide the fact I wasn't drinking all through Christmas! Everyone was so excited and to have to tell them on Christmas eve that I'd lost my baby is something I will never forget. Don't beat yourself up about your plans - you were an excited expectant mother. xx

Eminado Sun 27-Dec-15 11:24:54

So so sorry to read this Loki

flowers

I know exactly what you mean about the ongoing symptoms only to get the shock of your life at the scan. It's awful.

flowers

ktkaye Sun 27-Dec-15 11:35:50

Club member since last month - our first baby, planned and desperately wanted. We were so excited. It's an awful awful time OP and my heart goes out to you. No one can say anything that 'helps' the incomprehensible grief and shock that comes with a loss, particularly one that you had no indication about. Mine was a mmc at 12 weeks so I understand the heart stopping moment of recognition that what is on the screen doesn't look right for how many weeks you've been planning and cherishing your baby. You will find a way to carry on, but take time to do whatever it is you need to do to find your balance. You don't mention whether or not you are waiting for a natural
Mc or a procedure. If it helps, I opted for a Medical Management of mc (ERPC) and it wasn't nearly as scary as I thought and (for me) meant that I had some control over an otherwise uncontrollable situation. If you are worried about what the hospital will do with your baby I believe you can choose what happens to the remains. As a previous poster has said, no one wants to be in this club, but all the members are truly lovely. Much love to you and your DH. Xx

Loki17 Sun 27-Dec-15 12:20:14

Thank you everyone who has replied. It is really comforting and I feel less alone. It's hard trying to be brave so that others don't worry too much. I'm really hoping that the hospital will do an ERPC tomorrow. In reality the baby died 3 - 4 weeks ago and my body is only just starting to spot. I just want it over. I'm hoping if that happens then the hospital will cremate the remains. I couldn't put my family through a funeral but cremation seems at least a dignified ending to a very short little life.

JoMalones Sun 27-Dec-15 13:52:32

Oh Loki, so much of your story sounds too familiar. We found out earlier in the month. Unfortunately, we had an scan before that was happy and healthy so had told everyone, including the children. I too was convinced it was twins that they had missed at the first scan as I was huge and full of symptoms. It turns out the sac was v big which is an indicator of abnormalities. On the day of the ERPC, I was still being sick. I've had complications since and have been in and out of hospital for two weeks but I've now finished all the medication and looking forward to getting drunk tonight (will probably only take a glass).
The whole family was devastated, particularly my DS (4) and my mum. I've hated every second of Christmas and have been so hormonal (basically had to have a second procedure this week - just to warn you it is a bit like day 3 after birth). I sobbed my way around town on Christmas Eve as I had the harsh reality check that I had put on weight and none of my clothes fit, I put away he maternity clothes and bought a new wardrobe of outfits 2 sizes bigger than normal. Everything about it sucks. I'm hormonal, fat, everything I see on FB or tv is about babies and I have nothing. To top it off yesterday I had more blood from overdoing it.

Sorry to vent but that felt good to write it all down.

We chose to have the cremation done by the hospital. They will let us know when it is done as it is a communal one (something else I cried about) but something I didn't have to organise and I couldn't face bringing DD back from hospital and burying.

Good luck this week thanks

Loki17 Sun 27-Dec-15 14:15:31

Thanks for sharing your story, Jo. I'm so sorry for all you have been through. It is horrendous and just so unfair. I just want it over with now. As I image you do too, the complications you have suffered are a real twist of the knife. Thank you for your post - you have been a great help and support to me on here and I'm so grateful. flowers I am dreading going back to work too. I'm a teacher and supposed to be going back a week on Tuesday. Everyone will ask if I've had a good Christmas and I'm scared I will lose the plot.

JoMalones Sun 27-Dec-15 14:23:03

Thanks Loki. I hope the bleeding will finally stop today. I dechristmassed the house yesterday and decluttered to make space for the mass of new toys. The children weren't in and the house feels so much better and it means we aren't stuck in the reminder of the time frame of when it all happened. I also can't wait for my cycles to be back to normal although equally dreading trying again as I can't imagine going through this again. I will need a scan every fortnight just to reassure me no doubt.
Good luck tomorrow, what happened to me is rare so don't worry. Take the painkillers offered, I liked the numbness of codeine as well for the first few days. At school just take it a lesson at a time, deflecting and asking questions back works well I've found.
Will be thinking of you tomorrow. thanks

lonelystarbuckslover Sun 27-Dec-15 14:45:25

You don't need to sugar coat it if asked about Christmas but if you do want a 'socially acceptable' one (not that miscarriage isn't socially acceptable IMO, but some people prefer to keep things light) then I'm finding 'hectic and survived it' is working as code for 'this was supposed to be my first Christmas with my baby so I spent much of the day crying and the fact that I cooked dinner for my family is worthy of a Nobel prize of some sorts'. I don't want to go into it with everyone, open as I am but some people can't handle the truth but I find lying difficult too. I survived.

The other club members are providing much comfort at this time in terms of talking about how I really felt and they have helped me so much the last few days.

So many people texted 'have a good Christmas' and I know they were well meaning but I was irrationally pissed off because this Christmas was deeply unpleasant - but people just have stock responses in life and in relation to miscarriage there is some upsetting game of Miscarriage Stupid Platitudes Bingo because they don't know what to say.

GoApeShit Sun 27-Dec-15 16:59:52

thanksthanksthanks

Sending you so much love, Loki. I don't care that it's not the done thing in here.

It will get easier. It will hurt less. I promise.

Loki17 Sun 27-Dec-15 18:06:57

Thank you so much. You are all so lovely xx

MummyC92 Sun 27-Dec-15 22:23:41

Loki I think I remember you from a conception/July 2016 board.. I am so so sorry for your loss sad There is no words to say in this situation but I hope you have the support at the moment.

I was due July 2016 too and lost our baby last month. A lot earlier than you so I cannot begin to understand the pain of having a scan expecting good results, but I do understand the 'tempting fate' as I had thought about how we would tell DS and had thought about the future child without a possibility that anything could go wrong, after time has gone on I try to remind myself that there was probably not anything that I could have done to prevent it.
Big hugs xx

WineSpider Sun 27-Dec-15 22:34:04

I recognise your name from various boards - so sorry this happened to you. It's nothing you did and the truth is sadly it was unavoidable and unpreventable for you.

I had a mmc at 9 weeks this summer and i won't lie it was a really shit time. I know exactly what you mean about the exhaustion of charting, counting and peeing on sticks.

Try to take comfort in your partner and daughter, and there is an overwhelmingly big chance that it was a chromosomal defect as early miscarriages often are which means there is every chance you will get there on the future when you are ready.

You sound like a hero over Christmas, just give yourself time to grieve, it is tough even when the physical side is over.

flowers

JoMalones Mon 28-Dec-15 02:08:19

Good luck Loki. I hope today is quick and easy for you. Will be thinking of you thanks

Lorritay Mon 28-Dec-15 06:54:56

I'm also joining this club and am finding it hard to come to terms with going back to work in the new year and not being able to share the good news I was expecting in January. To know others are coping is helping as I am trying to absorb info on what to expect.

I went for a scan at Epau yesterday due to some bleeding a couple of weeks ago which my midwife thought important (not long lasting, no clots, no pain) my hcg levels had been checked by docs and all fine, no referral. I should have been 9 weeks, but the sac showed 5 weeks + 4 with no sign of a foetus, just a yolk. The blood tests by doctors were at 5+2 and 6+2 so I feel like they should have known. I now have to wait for 2 weeks for a follow up scan but don't know if I'm meant to be bleeding or in pain before that given its already been 4 weeks pain free with no baby.

Waiting for the inevitable with a heavy heart.

Even my DH who hadn't been "excited" about the baby (supportive, just not there yet) was in tears with me yesterday, but I feel alone.

Loki17 Mon 28-Dec-15 07:31:13

Lorritay I'm so sorry. My biggest fear is that they will make me wait for another scan. I'm normally quite an easy going person but I am beyond certain with my dates so I know there is no point waiting. I'm going to insist on surgery because the waiting is agony. Good luck, go back to the gp if you need to and insist they help you. Thanks for the good wishes Jo.

Lorritay Mon 28-Dec-15 07:56:01

Hi Loki. The waiting is hard because it doesn't feel over, physically or emotionally, but I am scared of what comes next.

I am sending you positive thoughts and the hope that we can both hold it together for those post Christmas chats at work. We'll get there. In time. You've been so strong so far, I'm hoping that in the end this will become a footnote in a more positive story.

X

Loki17 Mon 28-Dec-15 11:32:00

I've just got back from the hospital. The scan confirmed that everything is breaking down naturally. The sac has gone from 8.5cm to 2.5cm. It was round but now is sunken with an area of bleeding on one side. I guess this fits with the watery discharge I had on Boxing day.The 'crown to rump' length has gone from 1.29cm to 3 mm. This means that they couldn't offer me any management because they didn't do the first scan. Even though they could see the pictures of the first scan and all of the measurements. If I'd been seen on Wednesday they would have been able to offer me tablets but they are bound by guidelines. The nurse was really nice and seems to think that it will all happen naturally in the next few days. The only saving grace is that there will not be anything recognisable to pass because it's been a month. I'm grateful for that at least. I've got to be re scanned in a week to check everything has happened and ive got open access to the ward over the next week. So I'm back to waiting to miscarry. I just hope it happens soon. They offered me a sick note for next week and I think I'm going to take it so that I don't have to face work straight away.

JoMalones Mon 28-Dec-15 12:08:04

Oh Loki. I'm sorry that you didn't get what you wanted but it does sound like everything is happening naturally and you sound positive about that. Definitely take and use the sick note, they will do another if needed when you go back for the next scan. Do you have everything you need? The fact that so much has happened internally by itself is a good sign X

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