So angry!

[Bambi1981]

Just posted this over on the Pregnancy forum and realized I was in the wrong place, so sorry if you're reading this twice

I had medical management about 3.5 weeks ago following a missed miscarriage. As soon as the physical stuff was over I felt kind've relieved in a way, and tried to put it to the back of my mind but now its starting to hit me.

I know my hormones are still all over the place, but I feel so lost, confused and REALLY angry. One minute I'm fine and actually feeling guilty for feeling upbeat, the next I'm gulping down tears hoping that nobody notices, or being a complete cow to everyone.

I think I ovulated last week so AF is probably on the way which doesn't help the mood much, but for the last week or so I have been silently bubbling over with anger inside. I was a moody biatch this weekend which is so unfair on my DH, he's hurting too.

I'm trying to be brave, laughing and joking with colleagues and trying not to think about what happened but there are little triggers everywhere.

I went to Tesco yesterday and at the front of the shop is the clothing section, with little baby grows all hung out. Just a few weeks ago I was browsing, looking at the type of things we would buy when I got past the first trimester, and now I'm here waiting for AF again.

It's nobody's fault but I'm just so angry, it's so unfair....

[KittyandTeal]

I'm sorry for your loss. We lost dd2 at 22 weeks in Jan. I was the same, angry, tearful, pissy at everyone while trying to be 'strong' and 'brave'.

I saw a specialist counsellor, it's taken me a long time but I now realise that being brave and strong isn't about being cheerful and faking happiness when your heart is breaking. It's about saying 'yes I feel shit today, I want my baby back and what's happened to me isn't fair'. You have to allow yourself to feel your greif and emotions. It sounds a bit hippy dippy but I got myself in a right state trying to show everyone i was ok and strong.

I will now happily say to people, 8 months on, actually today I'm feeling really sad. No trigger or reason but I feel sad.

I have also said to pregnant colleagues 'I'm sorry I can't come to your baby shower, it's too hard' rather than trying to put on a brace face.

You need to be kind to yourself. Pregnancy loss is horrendous

[Kinsman]

My first pregnancy ended in MC at 10 weeks. I spent months feeling exactly as you've described and in the end a colleague recommended a specialist counsellor which really helped. I'm sorry this has happened to you. It's one of the few things that people don't seem to talk about and struggle to empathise with so you often end up walking the painful road on your own...

[Bambi1981]

Thank you KittyandTeal & Kinsman, I really appreciate your responses.

This is my second loss, the first being an ectopic back in 2010, and this time I've tried not to suffer in silence but I swing between thinking its a good idea and wishing I'd just kept quiet. People are very kind, of course, but people who haven't been through generally don't know what to say and it ends up making you feel worse.

I've had a lot of "well at least you know now that you CAN get pregnant" or "at least you can try again" but there's no 'at least' about it, to me it wasn't just the baby itself that was torn away from me, it was the love I was already starting to feel and the future we had already started planning for...it's not like losing a tooth

[eastegg]

Hi Bambi. I'm so sorry about your loss. We lost our baby at 16 weeks in August and I've definitely experienced the anger, and also the swings from feeling quite bubbly to horrendous in no time at all. I probably fall into the 'brave face' category but I've also been very mindful of the need not to forget, to talk and to nurture a feeling of pride I have that this was my baby who because it was a late MC I held in my arms, no matter how much some people try to brush it under the carpet.

I really relate to what you say about the pros and cons of having it out in the open. Only family knew with us, and I've wanted to tell other people, and have and will do with a select few. I started a thread a couple of weeks ago about people ignoring an MC as one of my ILs did that, and is still doing it apart from a snotty comment. And even if people are being genuinely kind as they usually are they can still say inappropriate things can't they. It's just so hard.

And as for the reminders they are everywhere; just a mention of a date in the future, especially during the upcoming autumn and winter, cuts like a knife.

My hospital has specialist midwives and bereavement counsellors, if you haven't already you could look into that, and I've found the miscarriage association helpful, so far only read stuff on the website but that alone I found a mine of info/ support.

Wishing you all the best.

[Bambi1981]

Thank you eastegg, and sorry for your loss also.

As it happens I filled out a self-referral form for the Herts Wellbeing Service (IAPT) which isn't specifically counseling or related to miscarriage/bereavement, but I have been told it can be good for generalized anxiety, which I have been suffering since the surgery I had for my ectopic back in 2010. If that doesn't work then I'll certainly talk to the hospital, thank you.