Feeling a bit down 5 months on.

(5 Posts)
damselinthisdress Fri 25-Sep-15 06:38:16

I miscarried in April and returned to work 2 weeks afterwards. On the day I returned, a colleague announced her pregnancy. Of course I was sad but tried to hide it as I wanted to be happy for her. For a few months, whenever she spoke about her pregnancy I'd find some excuse to leave the room. After a while things started to get easier and I was able to sit and listen to her talk about her pregnancy.

I then found out I was pregnant again but mentally prepared myself for it to all go wrong again. When I MCd again in June, I just tried to suck it up and get on with it, carrying on conversations with her as normal.

We then had the summer holidays (we work in a school) but now we're back and she's so visibly pregnant and excited about her slowly approaching due date, I'm beginning to feel down all over again. I thought I was fine but now I feel the same as I did when I first MCd. It's awful because I really want to be excited for her but I don't feel I can fake smile and talk about pushchairs and childbirth much more.

There's not really anything I can do about it, I suppose I was just looking for some hand holding!

Tootsiepops Fri 25-Sep-15 07:14:53

Hi Damsel - being around pregnant women is bloody difficult after a loss. I used to burst in to tears on the train in the morning if a visibly pregnant woman got on the carriage I was in. Nice awkward start to the day for the other commuters!

Are you able to say to the colleague that you are thrilled for her, but finding it difficult to be around her for now due to your losses? Acknowledge that you realise it's entirely your issue, and apologise, but say you need to self-preserve for a little while?

I took this approach with a good friend of mine who got pregnant by accident, whilst on the pill, as a result of a friends with benefits type set up. This was about a year after I'd had a first trimester loss, and two years of infertility. It was tough going, but she was very gracious and kind about my feelings. Perhaps your colleague will be similarly understanding?

damselinthisdress Fri 25-Sep-15 18:17:40

Thank you for your reply tootsie. The colleague doesn't know about my MC but other members of my department do. Everyone is really excited for her baby to arrive (the first "department baby") so the conversations are constant. It would be a case of telling everyone which would be awkward.

I think those that do know about my MC think I'm fine as I was having the conversations before the summer holiday. I think with my due date soon approaching things are just getting a bit harder all over again.

Hairballs Sat 26-Sep-15 19:27:48

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can't say anything to make it easier for you, but I can offer massive hugs as this must be fucking hard. After my MC I found pregnancy announcements heartbreaking and avoided any pregnant friends (shitty, I know...) but to have to be with your colleague and try and share her happiness whilst you're hurting so much is just awful.

I experienced delayed grief - I was ok immediately after the loss but four months after my MC a friend announced her twin pregnancy and I reacted to this by screaming and throwing things around the kitchen. It's fucking hard.

I would encourage you to talk to her, OP. Just the two of you. You don't have to tell everyone. A chat over tea and cake so it's not 'formal' or anything might be somewhere to start. And just explain you're having a bit of a tough time after what happened to you and finding it hard to share in her joy as much as you would like to...etc. I did this with my friend who was pregnant with twins, although I wimped out and text her. Turns out she'd had two previous MCs.

I really do feel for you and I'll offer as much hand holding as you need flowers

damselinthisdress Sun 27-Sep-15 12:52:03

Thank you hairballs, I think I will mention it to her. I get the feeling she's beginning to notice how quiet I become during those conversations.

The worst thing is before the summer holidays I volunteered to plan her a baby shower. I think I done it as a way of proving to myself I was fine, but now I'm massively regretting it. There's no backing out of it now though as everyone keeps on asking me for details about it. I think I'm just going to have to suck it up on that one confusedsad

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