I lost my baby 5 weeks ago tomorrow, at 16 weeks. Nobody knew about the pregnancy apart from family, partly because of problems in the pregnancy which meant there was only a two week window when we thought everything was OK before we were told the baby had died. So already having issues over who to tell and how and feeling increasingly like I want to shout it from the rooftops because I'm sick of hiding it.
Anyway, visited ILs last week. It was the first time I'd seen them or spoken to them since the mc, we were there for a good few hours, there were times when the kids weren't around and it wasn't mentioned at all. I came away thinking this is how it's going to be isn't it from now on, everybody just forgetting about it. I should say my PILs were around looking after the kids the weekend of the mc and there was a brief 'how are you' phone call to me during the day after my discharge, it's my SIL and family we were visiting.
Just sounding off really and feeling fed up, it's not like I want to be the centre of attention but this is weird. It almost makes me feel did I really go through hell/ am still going through hell or have I have I dreamt it??
I'm still getting round to deciding who to tell and how but this has made me feel I want to tell more people, so far it's only my mum and DH I talk to.
It's such a specific and unusual type of grief isn't it, you carry it found all the time but you can't mention it in the same way you would if say a relative had died or something, not that I'm in any way saying that's a better thing to happen.
As I say just sounding off a bit, but anyone else feeling the same way?
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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss
Other people acting like nothing's happened (just sounding off really)
eastegg · 17/09/2015 12:00
I'm so sorry for your loss.
My pil are the same. We lost dd2 at 22 weeks. My mil said to me a few months after 'so are you over all that stuff drop the start of the year' my reply was 'you mean R being born? No, I'll never get over it up we will learn to be ok with it'
She cried and I fumed. After that I decided that my dd2 will NOT be one of their weird family things that never gets spoken about but spoken around (like bil affair and marriage breakdown. We all pretend he's never been married now)
I now make sure I refer to dd2 at least once while they're around, just in passing, as conversation. A bit like 'oh gosh yes, I really went off X when I was pregnant with R' type thing. Or a 'we did X but of course we weren't expecting to be able to now as R should be with us'.
I am determined to normalise speaking about her, she is my second daughter and she will not be forgotten!
They still find it a bit odd but I have found that mil has spoken of her sister after me talking about dd2 a bit more (her sister died of cancer about 10 years ago but you'd never know she had a sister, she never talks about her. Her choice but I think it's more fil doesn't know how to handle emotion and so she's just kept quiet about it all)
I'm so sorry you're going through this, it makes a horrid time so much harder 
egg, I am so sorry for your loss. My own experience is different to yours as I didn't get as far and I didn't have the trauma of going through CVS, but I relate to how you are feeling. It is just utterly utterly sad. I have had several friends go through miscarriage but never realised how heartbreaking it is. I have made an active decision to talk about the miscarriage openly, partly because I am consumed in it, but also because I want to break the taboo. Miscarriage is so common but just hushed away. I understand if you don't want to talk about it, but I wouldn't not in order to avoid making others feel awkward. Sometimes you have to be a bit selfish.
Having said all that, I am talking about it and have a very supportive husband and family (mostly), but I still feel so utterly alone. I just want to shout STOP, MY BABY DIED AND YOU ARE ALL CARRYING ON AS THOUGH NOTHING HAS CHANGED. I feel so overwhelmed by the sadness that I feel like someone is sitting on my chest and I can't breath. Three months on I keep dreaming that I'm bleeding again.
For now life goes on, it has to. I am taking Kitty's approach and acknowledging my child and pregnancy so that it doesn't get swept under the carpet. I hope that this sadness gets easier.
Please sound off as much as you need to .
Sorry for your loss , it is so hard to not express yourself with those yoi believe you're close to. It has massively damaged my relationships with my mother and some friends having had 3 miscarriages over a year, because I am unable to be genuine / they really don't want to discuss it (I have been firmly closed down in fact). As a result I am now 17+6, terrified and my husband and 1 friend are the only people I can really express how it is to. Because this pregnancy is coloured by the previous losses, every milestone amazing and terrifying. I told my husband I'd tell them after the 20 (21) week scan. But I find myself creating excuses already.
The need to acknowledge loss is part of the process of moving to acceptance. It shocks me thst apparently emotionally sensitive people can clam up because of their discomfort.
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