Hi ladies,
Sorry if this is quite lengthily but I really need some advice and support, I've never felt more alone and heartbroken.
Thursday, I had some light pink spotting of which I thought nothing of. I haven't had a period since January, and after countless visits to my GP about my concerns, it was always put down to them repeatedly taking pregnancy tests, and when they turned up negative, insisting it was just hormones.
About 2 or so months ago, my breasts starting producing colostrum (I even tasted it, and it was sweet like breast milk). My breasts were also getting huge. Again, no period. Flash forward to yesterday and I got these agonising cramps, so bad like nothing I've ever felt before. (I thought I could have been perhaps around 8 weeks but wouldn't know as I say due to lack of periods). I was sitting at my desk at work, and then felt dampness and immediately ran to the loo. To my shock, there was lots of clotted, heavy blood. I decided A&E was needed since I was in so much pain in my left hand side of the uterus and the bleeding was getting heavier.
After waiting 6 HOURS to be seen, I had a vaginal examination, and a scan confirmed that there was a sac of around 10+ weeks gestation, but no baby to be seen. Many emotions ran through my head, and I was told to wait outside so the (relatively rude) doctor could put my notes together.
I was then called in briefly to be told I could either let things come away naturally, have a medical procedure or take some medication that'd help move things along. I opted for the medication, took the tablets and was then advised I needed to come in for another scan to make sure things were moving along swiftly, otherwise I could risk infection and may need a D&C if things weren't clearly considering the age of the sac. My scan is on Tuesday. I left the hospital after 9 hours in total of being there.
Nothing was explained to me, not even what 'type' of miscarriage it is. If I asked, my doctor just said everything would be confirmed Tuesday. Her only reply to my upset was ''I see it a planned pregnancy then?'' no it wasn't but it would've been wanted.
I didn't even know I was pregnant, but I feel like I've just lost a loved one I've known for years. When I arrived home and announced the miscarriage to my partner, his initial reaction was ''You're only 17, behave!'' Then he went on further to say ''But it's just a sac''. My reply was yes, but there was something inside it before. Miscarriages are severely painful no matter your age, if they hurt, they hurt big time.
He realised he'd been very hurtful and hugged me and told me everything would be okay. And realised his mistakes but then looked like a little lost boy of 21, facing me on the bed with no a clue what to say and told me he didn't know what to do, he was too immature and had never been in this type of situation before (like I have..) (I haven't).
I'll give him his due, he did dote on me all evening but every 10 minutes there was an ''are you okay now darling?'' And I felt guilty for making him upset. My initial reaction to his ''I'm really sorry'' was NO YOU'RE NOT! YOU DON'T HAVE A CLUE WHAT THIS IS LIKE.. but then I realised he is really sorry for me, just not the situation.
I'm going through all this all alone and it's devastating because my DP is in no way apart of the emotional trauma. A lady before me outside the ward lost her baby (at 5 weeks) and was in tears with her partner who'd been TTC with her for a few years.
Today my partner is very much less forgiving and is starting to get impatient with my upset. I've been told to be prepared for a big bleed, so have been wearing these black, size 22 on my size 10 body, knickers. He found this hilarious and was borderline furious that I couldn't take the joke. (I don't think he put 2 and 2 together that I was wearing these because the contents of a lost pregnancy were expected).
Now he's just got off the phone from his Mum who's returned from holidays, and announced 'We're going out tomorrow'. Quite frankly, I don't want to go anywhere.
Am I being unreasonable? I know it's best to surround yourself with friends and family but I don't feel capable at all just yet. It hasn't even been 24hrs since I found out. He was all happy this morning and said ''I know what we'll do today, have a huge clear out!'' My head went numb, I'm in lots of pain, the last thing I want to do is be sparkling the loo.
How can I make him understand things a little better for me, emotionally and physically? He isn't being very understanding and I don't know what I can say to make him see sense, because if I try to explain he gets annoyed.
I wish I had someone to talk to, most of my friends are work mates etc with children and have very busy lives/doing things this weekend. I'd talk to my best friend, my Mum, but she isn't back from holidays until Monday and I'm exhausted after work.
Thank you all, and sorry if I'm being too 'hun and hunny' for mumsnet x x x
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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss
How do I manange this? I feel so alone and lost.
Voovinnie · 22/08/2015 18:39
Oh you poor thing... I've been there. I've had 2 MCs and a stillbirth and I came away with two things: our lovely, adorable men are just CRAP at this stuff. They just are. If you can take that on board without resenting your other half, well, you're half way there. I will never forget sitting in the car park in a wheel chair after our stillborn daughter (don't get me wrong, DH and I shared so many, many tears and hugs and he was my rock in many ways), and he's standing there in the hospital car park, getting all impatient and shtty... my wheel chair starts rolling down the slope, no breaks, he watches, huffs and walks off. I could have strangled him. But in his eyes, it had all been too much. Life needed to move on and move on pronto away from the trauma. But on top of it all, I now had a blood clot, couldn't walk and had to go back in for treatment of this clot. And my DH was a complete wanker about this to say the least. He'd done his bit, done his grieving. Could we just move on? It's a bit like that with guys. They set a grieving time frame. Also, they just don't get it because biologically, they are not connected to a pregnancy the way we are. We go from being a vessel of life to carrying a death within, and I don't care if that sounds melodramatic, that's what it is, a death, a loss, a child already loved and dreamed of who will never walk this path alongside us. And it's sad and empty and we are left broken. It's a blessing unfulfilled. A hope extinguished, so coldly and abruptly. And it's all managed so clinically at hospital, professionally and properly too, but healthcare workers just crack on with it. They are not emotionally engaged at all.
The final straw is the hormones left behind to remind us physically and emotionally of this loss. The hormones leaving your body contribute to your low mood, so that in itself is a bit of reassurance that the darkest days will pass as your hormone levels stabilise.
Hugs and love to you. I don't remember what I did other than cry, watch loads of whatever crp I wanted to on TV and I just took it easy. The stillbirth was of course harder and not so easy to move on from (not saying that miscarriages are minor by comparison, they are not). But delivery of our sleeping daughter was just so difficult.
Horse put it better than I did. And horse, I am so, so sorry you went through that.
Not sure what to post which wouldn't be insulting to the man you love here, and I don't want to do that.
Being charitable I suppose, could you tell his mum and ask her to explain it to him? Not that you should have to do that at your ages.
If you have the energy, it might be worth reposting a version of this on the relationships board.
I'm so sorry for you and thinking of you today
Hello voo - I am so, so relieved that your mum and partner are there for you - and so sorry of course for everything you're going through.
All I can say from personal experience is to keep being kind to yourself. If you need to cry, cry. If you need to sleep, sleep. You've been through a horrible shock mentally and physically, and you're grieving. In time you will feel "better" because your body will heal, but it's ok to grieve over a lost little one for as long as you need to, and it might keep surprising you how much you do.
Keep talking to your partner and mum, and talk to your friends or write a diary if you can bear it and feel like it, it helped me a lot. You've lost someone and it can help to process it with others sometimes. Brace yourself too if you can for more silly remarks from silly people. One day they might sadly understand all too well, but not everyone does, especially when you're young.
Is there anyone at all you can confide in at work? This seems to be more difficult in some teams than others, but my manager understood brilliantly which helped. If you have some older mums around, I'd bet they could be supportive, even if usually they're not your best friends or anything.
And remember that you did nothing wrong to cause this. It's so, so frequent and its heartbreaking and I'm really sorry for you. You will get through this x
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