If you decided not to TTC after your miscarriage...

(19 Posts)
Gumblossom Fri 19-Jun-15 11:47:14

How did you come to terms with it?
A week ago I had a erpc after I learnt that my baby had died the day of my scan. I was 9 weeks (according to my dates), but the baby measured 8+2 (which was in line with an earlier scan) and didn't have a heartbeat. I had been concerned as I had an earlier scan and ws told the baby had an enlarged yolk sack and 1/3 of those pregnancies end in the first trimester.

It is my 5th miscarriage in about 5 years of ttc. I had my last baby at almost 42 years old, and this last pregnancy at 48 yrs.

I always knew this would be a difficult journey, I was always realistic about my chances of having a healthy baby at my age, but I was willing to give it a go.

But, now it is time to stop ttc. My DH won't try again, and after a very anxious pregnancy, always worried about symptoms and highly anxious that it wouldn't work out, I don't want to go through that again. It doesn't mean I don't want another baby, I do, but I can't ttc again, so I can't have another baby.

As heartbroken as I was with the other miscarriages, I knew that I could ttc again and so, somehow, that helped me get over the grief, and get on with life.

I just want to know how others were able to "move on" if they didn't TTC again after miscarriage. It feels so final, and although I know I should be ready to move onto another phase of life (like my DH wants to) I just don't feel ready.

I'd really love to hear how others have coped.

Also, how did you bounce back physically? I feel so lousy at the moment. I was fit and healthy before getting pregnant, but the worry about miscarriage, the nausea and the tiredness meant I stopped exercising and my healthy diet became a diet of toast,crackers,cake and sugar (yuck) and now I am finding it near impossible to go back to healthy eating and exercise when I feel tired, sad and like a foreigner in this body. sad

Looking forward to hearing for others. thanks

Leaflitter Fri 19-Jun-15 19:22:43

I'm in a very similar situation.

flowers and waiting for others' words of wisdom.

Gumblossom Sat 20-Jun-15 00:32:35

Hello Leaflitter. Can you talk about why you have decided to stop TTC? Please don't feel you have to if you'd rather not.

I went to the GP yesterday: he asked me to see him a week after the erpc to see how I was. He asked lots of questions, but I really didn't need to see him as I am fine: no excessive bleeding, just really tired and headaches daily, most likely an after effect of the general anaesthetic. The feeling fat and unfit part is a result of the pregnancy, and I suppose in time I will resolve that.

We discussed contraceptive options. God, that was difficult. I know I have to take out the wondering and hoping that goes hand in hand with using no contraception: it means there's always a chance, no matter how slim. But 1) I don't know that my DH would have sex with me again unless I used contraception, and 2) I need to move on rather than live with the possibility of it happening again.

But the idea of preventing pregnancy is just heartbreaking. The GP talked matter-of-factly about the options whilst I just felt crippled with sadness at the idea of never ever being pregnant and having the opportunity to have a baby, again.

I wish I was one of those women who had X number of kids, knew it was all she wanted and was happy to move on to the next stage of life. Almost everyone I know is in that category, I don't know why I'm wired differently confused

The other thing is that most women who miscarry go on to try again, which I think helps with the healing.

Leaflitter Sat 20-Jun-15 00:47:38

Still in the throes of the MC here so MN-ing to distract me. Can't really get over the apocalyptic amount of blood and placenta...

I have (several) older children and this was not a planned pregnancy. We were vaguely thinking about it but it took us by surprise. We were pleased and excited but also quite daunted. We're v v busy w older children, one of whom has health issues, and we've also recently learnt (after genetic testing due to these health issues) that there's a bit of a question around DH's genes too.

I'm also in my 40s and just not sure I can do it all again. Was quite sick and tired earlier in this pregnancy and it's so much harder now I'm a bit older.

And my babies tend to be non-sleepers...

BUT having said all that I was looking forward to the baby and my older ones (who we'd told) are v v sad and disappointed.

I don't want to stop on this sad note but OTOH I know I'm so lucky to have the children I've got. DH and I initially said that we'd try again but now I'm not so sure. He doesn't seem keen and I'm quite conflicted for all the reasons I've mentioned.

Sorry, prob not much help!

Gumblossom Mon 22-Jun-15 10:35:18

Hi Leaflitter - how are you? I hope the miscarriage is resolving (physically). I haven't been through the "natural" route, all my 9/10 week pregnancies were mmc, so I had erpc's, which physically are not nearly as awful.

One of my miscarriages was at 6 weeks and it was just like a heavy period.

I am guessing by the lack of response that I am in a minority group: women who don't go on ttc after a miscarriage. It seems most people do go on to ttc again.

It's now just over a week since the erpc and I am beginning to wish I could ttc again, but I know I can't. My Dh won't agree and I can't blame him: all the uncertainty and anxiety, and for what? Another miscarriage. However, the natural instinct seems to be to desire a baby as a balm for the grief and loss.

This is such a tough place to be in. I can't help thinking, "Oh, I would be 11 weeks tomorrow, I would have started to feel more like I was going to have a baby".

Then the reality hits me and I feel so sad again.

Reading mumsnet tonight, about someone who was choosing termination, which is absolutely her right, just made me think how shit life can be: there are so many of us who just want a healthy baby, and then all those women who get pregnant and for whatever reason, just can't have the baby. It's a pity we can't just transfer the unwanted baby into the mum who wants one smile...

Leaflitter Mon 22-Jun-15 16:18:02

Thx for asking. I'm on the mend I think. Bleeding has slowed although I'm still getting cramps.

I'm seeing pics of newborn babies everywhere...

I think not having more children is hard for many women. My friend whose DH has had the snip said she's feeling really broody. I don't know any answer...

I've been thinking about terminations too, realising that the abortion pill must feel similar to what I've just gone through. Absolutely horrible.

Would you be interested in fostering? Not for the faint-hearted I know... I don't think I could.

All the best.

Leaflitter Mon 22-Jun-15 16:30:18

Just had a couple more thoughts.

I feel exactly the same about my body post MC. Avoided exercise for several weeks bc of tiredness/nausea, then for fear of provoking the MC. Now I still look pg bc of lardy belly... Think I need to ease back in to exercise and be kind to myself.

A friend who had a couple of MCs encouraged me to name the baby, which I have (had to choose a unisex name so it's a bit silly). I do feel better for that and that I'm remembering and honouring the baby.

I read about a church service at Portsmouth Cathedral remembering babies who had died before birth. Too far for me but I thought that was a lovely idea. I'm struggling with the idea of the baby's remains going into the sewers. So sad.

Purpleprickles Mon 22-Jun-15 23:34:41

Hello I feel the same as you Gumblossom in that I don't know how to move on either. I was having the exact conversation with a friend last week and knowing others feel like this makes me feel less crazy.

I got pg with dc2 after 4 years of trying and giving up. Then I miscarried but dh and I have agreed not to try again. The pregnancy was a shock as we felt we had got our life a bit sorted and for me I felt like I'd come out of the infertility rage. But we were so excited and amazed too. We feel like we can't do another 4years of trying or face another loss.

I've had such good support on this forum but must people seem to say ttc to move on. I just don't know what is going to help me move on. I had been offered a promotion at work but had turned it down (previous to being pregnant) because I didn't think it was right for me. Now I wonder if I should do it as it is still a possibility to have a new chapter but I know it will be for the wrong reasons.

I'm just hoping time will make it seem more ok.

Purpleprickles Mon 22-Jun-15 23:37:37

Leaf the church service sounds lovely. I was thinking about candles in check tonight and it hit me again that I had lost a baby. Like a punch in the stomach.

My stomach is hideous (how can it go so stretched when I couldn't even grow the baby properly!?) but I have brought a bike so am trying to use that to get fit. Today I ate a box of maltezers in about ten mins though blush

Gumblossom Tue 23-Jun-15 05:56:13

Hi Purple. Yes, it never ceases to amaze me how my tummy is still enlarged. I suppose, by 9 weeks, my uterus was apparently as big as a grapefruit (and as I've had 10 pregnancies in total - probably a bit stretched!), so I suppose it isn't going down overnight.

Leaf,I too, have decided to name my little lost baby, it helps to think of "her" as a "child" I lost, not just an "embryo". With my other losses, I would light a candle on my due dates and on the dates I lost them. It helps.

I have also resolved to count my blessings every night before I go to sleep, and when I do I realise what a wonderful life I actually have. I also think of all the things we can do as a family without a baby in tow. Planning holidays and other things has helped a little. However, I know I'd give it all up in a heartbeat if I could have my precious last baby, healthy and whole.

I have a meeting at work, so must dash. It really is nice to talk to you both. flowers

TheCunkOfPhilomena Fri 03-Jul-15 12:36:00

I am currently going through a miscarriage and am pretty sure this is it for me. I am 37 and have a DS and this has just been one of the worst times ever. I feel as if I can't grieve until it's over (waiting to miscarry 'naturally' but think I'll ask for the tablet as it's taking forever) and I hate it and the thought of going through it again scares me.

Maybe early days as I know DP wants to try again so we may have a big discussion coming up but I feel in my heart that this is it. I'm now just feeling grateful for having DS.

3luckystars Sat 04-Jul-15 14:05:02

I am just back from holiday and have decided to stop too and take ttc completely off the table until 2016, and then maybe forever.
I have to just recover now. I had 2 mmc this year and am just wondering why I am continuing now at all. I am happy with my decision to stop for now but I have been unable to find anyone in the same boat. I am so glad you started this thread, thank you.

3luckystars Sat 04-Jul-15 14:19:11

I feel huge too by the way! I just got my first period yesterday since my erpc in June so I am hoping to draw a line under I now. I am so sure about my decision to stop ttc for now. I am not physically or mentally able for a pregnancy or baby now.
Miscarriage1 was due to chromosomal issues so I feel like if I would be gambling. Still waiting on results of the second mmc but regardless I am stopping.
I agree its terrible to end on a bad note, anyone I know that miscarried went on to have a baby so I am glad of the company here because giving up is definitely unusual.

MerdeAlor Sat 04-Jul-15 14:43:38

Gum and everyone else in the same situation flowers

I had 5mmc in three years, the last bout of surgery ended with a perforated uterus. That was 5 years ago. The decision to stop came first because we knew that was the right decision but the acceptance has taken years

I had some therapy and that helped with the grieving process, but the acceptance that that part of your life is over can't be rushed. Every few months I recognise that I'm a little bit firther on the journey of acceptance.

In a way, there should be more threads like this. There is so much encouragement to continue but some couples just won't have another child. That's sad but also very lonely. Not everyone has a happy ending despite what we may hear and see around us.
Knowing how to let go and sharing the difficulty in letting go is important.

3luckystars Sat 04-Jul-15 14:48:28

I too am also wondering about contraception, which seems crazy after spending 4 years hoping to get pregnant, but I just cant cope with the uncertainty and I have made the decision now to not get pregnant.
Ttc for me is half a life, I have been in limbo for too long now and I have had enough of it.
My dh suggested we try "twice more" which makes me think that he has absolutely no idea how hard I find it all. I felt totally alone throughout the last miscarriage, I do not want to do that ever again.

I am relieved that a decision is made but, my friend rang last night and told me she was pregnant and I was genuinely delighted for her but I cried a bit after the call. Just a bit and then I was grand. That is progress.

3luckystars Sun 12-Jul-15 20:49:33

Hi just wondering how everyone is.
We had a contaception scare last night, it was our first time having sex since the erpc! When I realised the condom broke I almost collapsed, I was crying and shaking. So I am definitely not over the two miscarriages. The thought of going through another miscarriage is too much for me to risk. That is very clear now.

I hope you are all recovering physically and are in a better place than me today.

Benby Sat 25-Jul-15 22:52:07

Hi girls,
Just found this thread now. I had an erpc 3 weeks ago and I have been bleeding since. Was back to the hospital and I have a blood clot in my c section scar. I have to be monitored till it goes and can't ttc until 1 year. They think there was an abnormality in the last c section scar and when they done the erpc they damaged it which led to the blood clot. Unfortunately after the year there are no guarantees I could have a perfectly normal pregnancy or I could have life threatening complications.
This is my 7 th pregnancy I have 3 dc,lost 4 pregnancies and 5 babies. So that's it I'm done i can't risk my children growing up without me so I can have what I want. I am devastated I knew when she said there was a problem with the scar that I was done.
The hardest part now will be going back and forward to the maternity hospital for the clot to be monitored.
Hope you are all doing well and things are getting a little easier for you all.

3luckystars Sun 26-Jul-15 09:24:53

That's really hard that the decision was taken out of your hands. I am sorry you are going through this, I know what you mean about visiting the maternity hospital, my friend had a baby last week and asked me to go over while she was in labour and I just said no, no! (Not to her, I told her I was working) but it feels like a physical reaction, I am so hurt at the moment I just have to keep away.

Going through another miscarriage would be too much for me. You poor thing, still bleeding after is hard. I hope you will be OK.

Benby Sun 26-Jul-15 23:43:30

The bleeding is the hardest thing cause it constantly reminds me of what's happened.
I had a bit of a new jerk reaction and started packing up the clothes I was keeping from ds to give to the charity shop but my mam talked me into waiting a bit longer till I get my head around things.
It's so hard to accept that I don't have a choice

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