Missed miscarriage

[Pandapops8]

Hi, I'm writing this as a way of just letting it all out.

Up to Wednesday, I thought I was carrying a healthy little 11 week old baby - pregnancy was fine, a bit of sickness and a lot of tiredness but no complications we were aware of, , we had even called out unborn "sesame" after one of its size stages in life.

Wednesday midday at work. I suffered a lot of unexpected heavy bleeding and clotting. Straight away we went to the local hospital which sent us to another hospital as there were no sonographers, turns out there wasn't sonographers in the other one either - do they not work weds afternoons in Hertfordshire?! Anyway the doctor checked me out and said I had a closed cervix but couldn't tell me anymore without a scan.

Managed to find a private clinic who could scan at 8.30pm that night, we managed to get through the next few hours in a daze, not thinking about the worst. At the private clinic, there were two other pregnant ladies which made me feel so jealous - I just wanted to know my little sesame was okay. Finally we were taken in to a room for the scan, what should have been one of the happiest moments in my life turned in to one of the worst. What came up on the screen was just a large sac where my baby should have been in it, instead a tiny blob (fetal pole) was there measuring about 6 weeks, I think we must have got to 8 weeks and then it starts to shrink. My body in absolute denial so thinking everything's okay and growing at the rate it should be. No heartbeat found. An internal vaginal ultrasound done as well just to double check and confirm everything.

My baby had died and my body didn't know.

Everything after that just seems like a surreal blur, I hardly slept in between the fits of tears and fierce cuddles with my partner, both absolutely devastated. The cramping and heavy bleeding came back with a vengeance at 6am yesterday, passing so much blood and large clots, I thought I was going to pass out at one point. Back to the hospital for another check, the cervix had opened up slightly but not fully so I still have a lot of the physical miscariage of the sac etc to go I thought most of it was already out that morning. Next scan booked in for Weds to see what is left in there. Hopefully nothing as I can't carry on with this pain.

Back home and in to bed where I've been ever since. Trying to rationalise things I my head but the thinking how unfair the world is. Reading up on missed miscarriages, I'm in the 1%. That just feels so ridiculously cruel. I know these things happen and it wasn't anything I have done or could have changed but all natural, I still wanted this little sesame more than anything in the world. It is just so shitty. 48 hours ago I was blissfully unaware and still stroked my growing tummy with so much love, and my partner giving it a kiss and a cuddle, to now, where the feeling is just empty. Nothing. My baby is now no more. I don't have a baby anymore.

Thanks for reading and listening to me vent, it's quite cathartic to get it all out. No one seems to really talk about it but more people need to be aware. I want a baby more than anything now and after a few months getting back to normal and recovering, we'll try again and hope that it's a much happier outcome.

Xxx

[stargirl1701]

Thinking of you ??

I had a MMC in 2009. It's just so cruelly heartbreaking.

[babyangelbean20315]

My mmc was September it is a major head fuck to know your body carried on and ur baby didn't
I'm sorry for your loss things do get easier with a lot of time xxxxxx

[ArseForElbow]

Sorry for your loss. I had a missed miscarriage in between my 2 pregnancies so can empathise with you are feeling.

[Lauren83]

So sorry you are going through this, I had a mmc last week of twins at 8.5, it had taken me 7 years and 4 ivfs fir that pregnancy, it hurts so much doesn't it x

[lauraa4]

I had a mmc January last year and didn't find out until my 12 week scan. Was utterly devastated beyond belief to be told by the sonographer that there was no heartbeat and baby had died at 10 weeks.

It's not something you ever get over but I promise you it gets easier and you learn to deal with what has happened

[lilac3033]

I had a mmc in March last year. Unfortunately we found out bat the 12 week scan. No warning, no signs. It was a blighted ovum, so there had never been a baby. Just the amniotic sac. It was horrible and a real shock. However we tried again and we have DD now.

I hope you get a happier outcome next time. I just wanted let you know it can happen. Makes sure and ask for an early scan. It helped me to worry less with my subsequent pregnancy.

[Pandapops8]

Thanks all for your kind words, this forum does give me hope for a much happier outcome next time xxx

[spad]

I am sorry for your loss.

We suffered a mmc in November 2011. Since then we've had two healthy dc and are expecting another one very soon! Whilst our mmc was utterly devastating it made way for our children and, now that they are here, we can't imagine it any other way.

Best wishes for the future.

[canucks1]

If it helps I read your message and it felt like it was me that had written it, you're not alone, as awful as what you have gone through is. I had a mmc at 10/11 weeks at the end of April. The shock was awful to go from so blissfully happy to so incredibly sad. Like you we had also nicknamed our growing bean 'peanut' and though we were incredibly careful not to get over excited, just naming it made me feel so devastated afterwards knowing it was gone.

As others have said, I don't think you will ever 'get over' what has happened, but I like you have my fingers crossed that it will all get easier and we'll be blessed with much wanted babies soon.

Sending you lots of love.

xx

[evelynj]

So sorry this has happened to you OP. I had a mmc just over 6 months ago, it was heartbreaking. I had a thread on it then & felt totally betrayed by my body as everything felt fine & I was so sick & tired throughout.

I don't have any advice other than be kind to yourself & talk about it on here. This is the first post on the subject I've been able to post on since mine. I've been quite down this past few weeks as baby would be due now. It's normal to feel devastated. For me I had to go into hospital to be 'cleared out' & afterwards the first 3 days were the worst & then it slowly got better.

I read an article the other day about foetal cells staying with the mother & helping her recover from illness even onto old age which was a small comfort to me as it's nice to think there's something to hold onto.

[janeelliott]

I'm so sorry for what happened to you. Here's my story, if it helps at all: you're not alone.

Like you I had a missed miscarriage, when I was 20 weeks pregnant. I went for my 20-week scan thinking everything was fine (it was my first pregnancy, so I didn't know any better, and I thought I had felt the baby move every day) and the sonographer couldn't find a heartbeat. I don't need to describe how it felt - unfortunately, you know. It's the worst pain I've ever been in. For me the most painful thing was that the baby had died at 15 weeks. For 5 weeks I had been carrying a dead baby, and I hadn't had a clue.

Like you I had no idea missed miscarriages even existed. I was staggered that my body could keep silent after something like that. It was unimaginable! I felt betrayed, and guilty that I hadn't spotted any signs, but there were none. At 16 weeks my midwife had tried to hear the heartbeat and couldn't locate it, but she had reassured me that it was hard to find it at that stage, she had felt something moving etc... I didn't question it at the time. Looking back on that day, I felt so angry and so sad that the loss of my baby wasn't spotted then.

The following weeks were a haze of pain, the ache inside me was unbearable. Because the loss happened so late, we had the baby delivered at the hospital and we were offered a postmortem. It took more than 2 months for the results to come back, and in the meantime I agonised over what could have caused the loss, whether it was likely to happen again... I was thrown into a world I had never known existed. I was aware of miscarriages but I thought they always happened early and were little worse than a period. Reading up about it, I suddenly realised that the whole issue was a lot more complex and painful than that.

It did help me to realise that I was far from alone, not an isolated case at all. The loss remained brutal and searingly painful but at least I wasn't by myself. I couldn't talk about what had happened with anyone other than my husband as I just couldn't find the words, so others' words really helped.

Every 'first' after that hurt more than I can say - first period especially. I was very keen to conceive again as soon as possible. I couldn't contemplate getting to my due date and not being pregnant again.

When we finally were invited back to the hospital for the postmortem, I had just found out that I was pregnant again. This new pregnancy felt like an incredible gift and the most terrifying thing ever, all at the same time. I was so worried that it would happen again.

The postmortem found no cause of death for our baby and we'll never know why we lost her (we also found out she had been a girl). On the positive side, there was no health issue with me and nothing to say I wouldn't have a successful pregnancy again.

Maternity services in my area were amazingly supportive and I got consultant care, reassurance scans and midwife appointments throughout my pregnancy. It wasn't an easy road, especially as we had an early scare, and it took me months to get excited about the new baby. I was just so scared. But despite the stress and the worry everything went well and I gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby boy in January.

I love him so much. If we hadn't lost his sister, we wouldn't have him. It doesn't make her loss any more acceptable, but we can't imagine our lives without him and he has made everything better.

I really hope this gives you some comfort. All you can do is look after yourself, allow yourself to grieve in any way that helps, and remain positive that this awful experience will not be repeated. hugs if you want them.

[Sarah1992]

Hi I'm going throught it too sounds exactly the same as mine basically last Tuesday had tiniest amount of spotting so went to dr,s he sent me for early scan next day I should have been 11 weeks ultra sound couldn't see baby or hear heartbeat did an internal too nothing jus six week sac so they rebooked scan for week later in case dates were wrong etc.

Got to sat and till no bleeding spotting sat night then Sunday hit ! Extreme pain from 6am with if say light period bleeding the severe pain lasted till I passed a massive clot then had a gush of blood then light period bleeding and severe pain I was certain the clots were stuck so went to a and e they couldn't do anything as when examined me was going to help me pass it if my cervix was opened but it was closed they told me so have to wait for scan Wednesday coming . Well today I've had very heavy bleeding lots of clots felt very dizzy and faint no energy have been in bed all day the only thing that is helping is that I am in no pain as I'm on coocdomol it is horrible and I hope it ends has anyone got similar experiences or can tell me how long this will last :(

[Pandapops8]

Oh Sarah how are you feeling now? what did the scan show? I had the same feedback that my cervix was mainly closed, but this was after I actually had the miscarriage, the doctor still thought it was all to come (as I didn't have a scan, they just did an internal check) but the scan a week later, showed nothing left in there. Hopefully the worst has gone and you'll start to feel a bit better soon.

jane your story really gives me some hope, that after all of this misery, there can still be some joy afterwards.

I'm still surprised that I am coping at work, some colleagues who know are surprised I'm back but I'm quite a strong character and have come to terms with most of it - although I was absolutely devastated for the few days after I found out. The fact that it all happened so quickly for me helped the grieving in that it wasn't drawn out. Talking on here and everyone being so open with their own experiences really helps.

I had a nice long weekend with my DP and we will try again once my body is ready. We're both so sad but we have so much hope for next time.