Hi, I'm writing this as a way of just letting it all out.
Up to Wednesday, I thought I was carrying a healthy little 11 week old baby - pregnancy was fine, a bit of sickness and a lot of tiredness but no complications we were aware of, , we had even called out unborn "sesame" after one of its size stages in life.
Wednesday midday at work. I suffered a lot of unexpected heavy bleeding and clotting. Straight away we went to the local hospital which sent us to another hospital as there were no sonographers, turns out there wasn't sonographers in the other one either - do they not work weds afternoons in Hertfordshire?! Anyway the doctor checked me out and said I had a closed cervix but couldn't tell me anymore without a scan.
Managed to find a private clinic who could scan at 8.30pm that night, we managed to get through the next few hours in a daze, not thinking about the worst. At the private clinic, there were two other pregnant ladies which made me feel so jealous - I just wanted to know my little sesame was okay. Finally we were taken in to a room for the scan, what should have been one of the happiest moments in my life turned in to one of the worst. What came up on the screen was just a large sac where my baby should have been in it, instead a tiny blob (fetal pole) was there measuring about 6 weeks, I think we must have got to 8 weeks and then it starts to shrink. My body in absolute denial so thinking everything's okay and growing at the rate it should be. No heartbeat found. An internal vaginal ultrasound done as well just to double check and confirm everything.
My baby had died and my body didn't know.
Everything after that just seems like a surreal blur, I hardly slept in between the fits of tears and fierce cuddles with my partner, both absolutely devastated. The cramping and heavy bleeding came back with a vengeance at 6am yesterday, passing so much blood and large clots, I thought I was going to pass out at one point. Back to the hospital for another check, the cervix had opened up slightly but not fully so I still have a lot of the physical miscariage of the sac etc to go I thought most of it was already out that morning. Next scan booked in for Weds to see what is left in there. Hopefully nothing as I can't carry on with this pain.
Back home and in to bed where I've been ever since. Trying to rationalise things I my head but the thinking how unfair the world is. Reading up on missed miscarriages, I'm in the 1%. That just feels so ridiculously cruel. I know these things happen and it wasn't anything I have done or could have changed but all natural, I still wanted this little sesame more than anything in the world. It is just so shitty. 48 hours ago I was blissfully unaware and still stroked my growing tummy with so much love, and my partner giving it a kiss and a cuddle, to now, where the feeling is just empty. Nothing. My baby is now no more. I don't have a baby anymore.
Thanks for reading and listening to me vent, it's quite cathartic to get it all out. No one seems to really talk about it but more people need to be aware. I want a baby more than anything now and after a few months getting back to normal and recovering, we'll try again and hope that it's a much happier outcome.
Xxx
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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss
Missed miscarriage
13 replies
Pandapops8 · 29/05/2015 10:41
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