How do I deal with this...my story :(

[evilfairy99]

I just needed to tell my story..I guess put it down somewhere, it's hard to talk to people that don't really understand or are full of what feels like empty "sorry for your loss"-es...I find it easier to talk to people I don't really know..I'd like if this helped other people going through the same thing, to know what my experience was to help them to know what to expect..but also to help me and get some advice too...


Found out I was pregnant on the 7th of January..we were delighted. It was a welcome surprise after being told we had slim chances of conceiving,and having tried previously...
We couldn't wait until 12 weeks and went for an early scan at 8 weeks. We found we had twins but that one wouldn't make it.The scan was bitter-sweet for this, we accepted it, happy one baby was doing so wonderfully well. We needed to keep being watched as the twins were identical and to make suer there was no communication between cells causing later issues. I got ill from a kidney infection, being taken in for a day on a drip, but finally got sent home.. Our other little bean was a fighter though, and grew strong. Our 12 week scan and he was there, moving and wriggling and full of life. We were so excited. We joked how it was the most well photographed baby having scans at 8 weeks, 9 weeks, 10 weeks and 12 weeks...We had another scan at 14 weeks as twin 2 that hadn't made it, still hadn't fully gone like he was supposed too. We were relaxed about this scan, confident almost... and then the screen came on for the scan.. and straight away it just wasn't right. Our little bean looked, well, squashed. The midwife looked worried and the confirmed our worst fears... He was gone!
Just like that.. My heart completely broke. How??! How in two weeks could it have changed so dramatically?... less really, as the scan showed he stopped growing about 12 +4 ... Our world just flipped... It was surreal and like a complete slow motion movie, I didn't feel like me...
We got taken into a private room, handed leaflets and words thrown at us.. a missed miscarriage.. needed to be induced... nothing really registering.. the next steps seemed so far away. The compassion and care of the doctors and midwives was undeniable. They seemed so genuinely sorry for us and couldn't look after us enough. I got sent home, due to come in on Weds the 18th to be induced with medication... I couldn't have d & c due to the size of the sac. I was terrified, sad, angry, disappointed... every emotion that was possible flooded through me.
Tuesday came, I finally felt enough energy to run a bath and pack my hospital bag. I literally undressed and went to go get in the bath to relax and try ignore what was happening for just five minutes, and the blood started flowing.
It wasn't an awful lot, but enough of a gush and a flow down my legs to scare the daylights out of me, I started crying and couldn't stop, again everything went in slow motion, my OH rang the hospital and had to go in, I was bagged up and shipped to the hospital. I'd never had to stay in the hospital overnight, that concept alone was scary, let alone the reason why I was there. Originally I was to be sent home, but after a scan, they were worried again about the size of the sac so I had to get kept in. The next morning I was induced after a night of worry and no sleep. Drip put in, collapsed a vein taking blood, tired and not looking forward to the day. I was given my first tablet vaginally
The cramps started, the clots came.. a lot. The nurses all seemed to think this was normal. So I guess my advice for that bit for anyone having the same thing, don't panic... It's so difficult, and you just want to scream.. I hope if you have to go through this, you have the care I had in the hospital I was in, from needing the toilet and being walked there, to coming in and making sure I was ok with the air con.
I had paracetamol and it didn't touch the pain, I got given an injection in my butt ...I will say at this point I just went hysterical... I hate needles, the situation I was in.. it was too much, I broke down and wouldn't let them come near me... although I don't recommend having a breakdown... it's ok to do it... you're in a horrific circumstance with horrible outcomes... All I could think about is how pointless this whole thing was, the pain I was in and I would have no baby to show at the end of it....
I was in full blown labour, I don't think I'll ever forget that pain, or heartache. I felt dizzy and faint from the pain (this was my first child) and at that point they brought in the doctor... I gave birth to my beautiful little boy Michael...along with a lot of clots.
The pain stopped almost instantly... apart from light cramping... they took my little one away to clean him up so we could see him.

I would say, if you question whether to see your baby or not at this point... do it... you won't ever regret it. So perfectly formed at 14 weeks, image of his dad, and just beautiful. It provided so much solace and comfort to see his tiny little body. They had him in a little sleeping bag and looked so relaxed like he was sleeping.. and of course then it hit we weren't getting to keep him, or take him home.
The love and sadness we felt in that moment.
The loss and hurt... He will always be our first born....

I had to stay in that night, and the next morning a scan showed I still had tissue... this nightmare just isn't ending... and this is where I need help or advice if anyone can..
I don't know what to do next.

I was sent home with 3 tablets to try pass the tissue and now have to wait for a scan in two weeks to see if anything that was left is gone.. if not I have to go in for a d & c... has this part happened to anyone else before?
I feel like I can't move on because this is hanging over me like a noose...ignoring the fact I'm weak and tired at the moment.
I'm supposed to keep taking my folic acid until a doc appointment in July..but that feels like some hideous torture and a daily reminder of what I've lost...I can't bear to go out in case I see other people's children and I get angry at SMA adverts...is this normal? how long am I going to feel like this for?!
I know it's a loss and I have to grieve, but I haven't felt like this before even when I've lost family members.I don't know how to process it... I don't want to even consider going back to work(I'm written off for 2 weeks)and just want to actually quit..I just want time to stop so I can stay still for a while and catch up with myself and what is going on...I feel so utterly lost and empty.. literally feel like my stomach is hollow...
I'm still bleeding and cramping and have no idea how long this is going to go on for...
I still feel so raw...and I know it will for a while, it hasn't even been a week.....but I don't know what the future holds, who to talk to, what next.. I feel like everyone is being falsely nice, I think I'm a bit paranoid, but I know they don't know how it feels and I feel like in a few weeks they are going to expect me to just get over it and move on...people's patience only lasts so long... and it just makes me mad...I think I feel like that because I'm angry anyway, but is that even normal?!

How do I deal with this? What do I do with a broken heart?


No farewell words were spoken, no time to say goodbye,
you were gone before we knew it, and only God can tell us why.
It broke my heart to lose you, but you didn't go alone,
for part of me went with you, the day God called you home

[jassS]

Did not want to read and run.... last Friday I had the same scan experience - my baby had just died, in fact probably the day of the scan. Just lying there in the scan screen, no movement, perfectly still..... It is just so horrible. And of course what follows. This forum is full of women who unfortunaltely understand how it feels, even if the rest of the world never does......

[evilfairy99]

JassS I'm so sorry for you, it is a horrible thing
The stillness is so daunting.
hugs

[LuckyAugust]

So sorry to read this. We lost our DD last year at just over 15 weeks. The heartbreak and grief was agony. It takes time but it does get easier to deal with and remember. We were so lucky in that when we started to try again I fell pregnant very quickly and we welcomed our DS in January. I have an 'Isabelle' box which holds all of our scan pictures (we had also had 3 scans before 12 week scan), hospital letters and a book which I had hoped to read to her when she was born. Inside I wrote her a letter. I hope you have lots of real life support. You won't forget but time does help. Sending big hugs and good wishes for your future x

[Dovetale]

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I had a missed miscarriage at 12 weeks 4 years ago. All the emotions you describe I remember feeling.

You ask how do I deal with this? There are 2 things I hold in my mind when I think about that time, one is "Just keep breathing" I told myself this a lot, when getting through the next hour seemed impossible I clung to that. The other is "be kind to yourself" for me that was walking, culture, nourishing food, friendships, try to care for yourself as you would a friend.

You ask how long are you going to feel like this for? My experience was that I miscarried in November and Christmas was horrible, January I resigned my horrible job, February I slept, cried, healed by April I found a new job and got pregnant with my daughter who is now 2. I held my breath throughout the pregnancy and never believed I would have a baby at the end of it but I did. The other day we were having a sort out of our filling cabinet and I found the letter for my 12 week scan for the baby we lost and I paused and remembered what we went through but it didn't hurt.

I send you lots of hope for a happy future.

[evilfairy99]

Thank you everyone.

Still cramping quite horribly which makes me worried for my hosp appointment on Thurs.

It sounds odd but I've been distracting myself with a new little venture which is actually making little girls dresses...learning new stuff so it's keeping my mind busy and seems to be helping.

Our little remembrance stone arrived yesterday and got some beautiful flowers to put around it...small things have helped, the scary thing is not knowing what's going to happen next..