Feeling guilty

[Emerlily]

I am new to posting online but I'm really needing to get my thoughts out of my head and I'm hoping posting on here I will help.

I had an unconfirmed miscarriage in June (very painful bleeding 3days after a positive test, hospital said I could have taken the test wrong as they got a negative result or it was already getting ready to come away when I did the test.) I then became pregnant again straight away and sadly at the 12 wk scan there was no heartbeat after the agonising week waiting for another scan to confirm I chose the surgical route to bring it to an end.

I am now left with heartache and an overwhelming feeling of guilt. I had hated being pregnant (feeling tired, getting bigger etc) and I didn't hide it but I had had no pains or bleeding so assumed everything was ok.

I know it was not my fault what happened but I cant help the feeling that I wished it, I never wanted to be pregnant, was planning to adopt from before I met DH but in Jan we decided to start trying, but have always been scared of pregnancy. However I still rub my belly like I'm pregnant nearly a month later.

Thank you for listening feels nice to have it out don't have many people to talk to and those that knew, I feel that they think, I'm still going on about it and I need to move on.

[bakingtins]

I'm so sorry for your losses emerlily and they must still be very raw. Nobody who has experienced anything similar would expect you to be over it a month later, it's a massive thing to go through and many people need a prolonged grieving process. I've had 4 miscarriages and it's taken me until the due date has gone by to feel significantly better, particularly after the first one when, like you, I had no reason to think it would end badly and had so many hopes and dreams for our life as a family. The guilt thing is a really common reaction but nothing you did caused the miscarriages, how you feel about a pregnancy has no bearing on the outcome and so many women find first trimester pretty tough. If you feel it would help to talk to someone who gets it try the Miscarriage Association helpline or keep posting. There is no need to be isolated in your feelings as there are so many women who have been there and can understand.

[AlpacaYourThings]

So sorry to hear about your losses Emerlily

I echo bakingtins. No one who has had a miscarriage would expect you to have 'moved on' by now.

It is a very traumatic experience for a lot of women, don't be too hard on yourself.

I had a miscarriage in April and I still think about it everyday, I still can't talk about it without getting upset.