Not sure how to deal with this

[perrinelli]

I had a mmc discovered at private 8 wk scan a couple of months ago . It had been an unplanned dc3 but I had got my head round it and was excited, DH wasn't thrilled but seemed to be getting used to the idea, talking about bigger car etc! Soon after it happened while he was comforting me he said 'we can try again' and I've been really holding onto that. I had a cm between dd1 and dd2 but conceived dd2 fairly soon after and I guess that was the way I got over it and dealt with it. I was waiting for my period to come back which has taken a while and now I'm mid cycle. I thought we were both on the same page trying again but it now emerges he thought I was back on the pill, that it was a long time ago now and we're all fine and back to normal, no dc3 on the cards.
To be totally honest I have been to-ing and fro-ing a bit as to whether a 3 rd child would be right for our family but I think deep down I would love another. And him saying no makes me want it more (or realise how much I do?). I know that guilt-tripping him into it isn't going to work. But since this came out its like I'm grieving again for the mc, the 3rd child we'll never have now. I was getting through it by focusing on trying again and now I'm not sure what to do with myself. We were so nearly a family of 5.

[AndIFeedEmGunpowder]

I'm so sorry you lost your baby. It must have been a big shock.

Have you told your DH exactly how you feel? It sounds like he is being very practical, maybe he hasn't understood how much you want another baby.

[perrinelli]

We're not great at talking through stuff like this. He is totally practical, you are right, and pragmatic. The trouble is I can't argue with his rational arguments. On a practical level it probably isn't a great idea.

But I just wanted to try again without thinking about it too much, just to get us back in the position we were a couple of months ago, to sort of put right what went wrong. I don't know how else to deal with it really.

Yes we were a bit shocked and apprehensive but we were going to make the best of it.

If I try to talk him round/beg/persuade him I think I'll feel that will take away my licence to feel anxious (or at least express that to him), and to find it difficult when the baby comes. Basically I liked it being foisted on me without having to make a decision!
And I don't cope brilliantly with the newborn stage so it will have quite an impact on DH.

[AndIFeedEmGunpowder]

I understand the conflict! I am pregnant with much wanted DC#2 at the moment and feel a bit like every time I moan about trials of pregnancy (even more newborn bit) DH will say: 'but you wanted this!' He is v. Practical too.

I think it's ok to want something and still find it hard. And if it comes down to rationality I think the whole thing of having DC is completely irrational, especially having more than one. It is expensive and stressful and tiring.

Could you explain to him how you feel without begging/talking him round? At least then you know he is completely aware of what page you're on.

[AndIFeedEmGunpowder]

Sorry meant to say I don't think we have DC for rational reasons, it's more primal and emotional than that.

[perrinelli]

Yes, you're right.
And I should have a talk with him and make sure he knows where I'm at. I've been thinking he knows but I've made that mistake before when he's been blissfully unaware that I've been brooding and moody around him!
There is a chance it could happen this month, owing to the whole misunderstanding where I thought we both knew we were trying but he thought I was on the pill... It's also complicated by the fact that he doesn't particularly like condoms, doesn't want a vasectomy as someone told him you can be left with untreatable lifelong pain, and I'm quite enjoying having the pill out of my system so don't particularly want to start again (plus am rubbish at remembering to take it which is how we got in this situation in the first place!)

[AndIFeedEmGunpowder]

I always think DH knows what I'm thinking. It's usually not the case!

I hope things work out so you can have a baby and both be thrilled.