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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

How did you tell your family about missed miscarriage?

19 replies

EmberElftree · 08/09/2014 14:46

I've posted a couple of times on this board and I had some nice messages of support when I had my mmc in May.

We haven't told either sets of parents yet as we live thousands of miles away. At first we couldn't believe it ourselves and went from an ecstatic high of planning and looking at prams etc. to being in the depths of despair. Once it had sunk in and I finally miscarried it didn't seem right to tell them over the 'phone knowing how upset they would be also.

Now I feel that I will be able to talk about it rationally, we talk about our little one all the time just between us and can now do so without crying.

My problem is that we're going back to our home country soon for a week before we go on another weeks holiday by ourselves.

My mum has been constantly hassling me about "giving me another grandchild" etc etc since we got married 3 years ago. She is obsessed. I did not tell her that we were ttc in the first place in order to avoid the pressure, I mean at the moment every time we speak on the phone/face time she ask "are you pregnant yet". And this is after I have told her we may try in the future, not sure yet if we want to ttc yet, I do not want to talk to you about that etc. hasn't worked.

She loves to boast about how she got pregnant with me and my brother at the drop of a hat and how my SIL also managed to get pregnant first try both times with my nephews and they are gorgeous and healthy.

This all makes me feel inadequate and a failure of course.

Now, I want to tell my mum when we see her to get her off my back. I have had countless conversations with her where I have told her that I feel the whole topic is personal and I do not want to discuss it with her. Today I received this text: Great news that the Duchess of Cambridge is pregnant again. Good to see they're cracking on with it.

It makes me aaaarrrrrghh! I know she doesn't have a clue obviously about what we've been through but I didn't want to tell her as I couldn't handle her grief as well as our own. I just couldn't figure out a way to tell her that our baby died.

So this is my chance to tell my parents about it and to ask my mum to stop banging on about how fertile and lucky everyone else is.

My problem is that I don't want to have to discuss it with my ILs either, I mean it feel way to personal for me to chat to them about my reproductive system. I also feel that they will blame me as in well DS did his job but she couldn't keep the baby.

It wouldn't be fair for us to talk to my parents and not his about it but the whole thing makes me want to curl up. I cannot say this to DH as he will be upset. He was devastated and still is and he didn't tell anyone about it. I had told 2 friends as I started to really bleed while at work and had to tell my colleague who covered for me. My other friend had asked how about you do you think you might want kids soon? I couldn't stop smiling and she obviously knew and that's how she found out as my poker face sucked!

So after a long, ramble post I am asking how do we tell our family about it? I cannot continue fielding off my mum without letting her know but I would rather curl up than speak to DH's parents.

It cuts me up remembering him crying and saying how he wished he had someone he could talk to about it and how he felt. He was so amazing while it was going on and while we waiting for me to actually miscarry. I want him to be able to chat to whoever he feels like about it as he needs to vent also.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

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PacificDogwood · 08/09/2014 14:54

So sorry to hear about your loss Thanks

Personally, I just told my parents, MiL and wider family.
"I've had a miscarriage" - the reactions were nothing but sympathy.

I had 4 MMCs in total, 3 of them before I had DS1 so it got pretty grim and I could not have coped with having to hide it from anybody. Like yours, my parents live in a different country from us and it was important to me to have intrusive questions off my back.

Now that I also have 4 DCs 'under my belt' Wink, I do talk about my MCs when the subject comes up because I really don't think it deserves to be a taboo subject. So many people talked about their own MCs when I told about mine - many of my parents' friends came out with stories of early (and not so early Sad) losses.

So my advice would be to just tell them. Get that elephant out of the room by talking about it.

Best of luck.

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PacificDogwood · 08/09/2014 14:57

I also think you need to overcome this idea of it being 'your fault' - between 1:3 and 1:4 pregnancies don't end in a healthy baby and if it is anybody's 'fault' it's Nature's.

I think it is perfectly valid to say "This happened, and I'd appreciate it if we could not discuss it further as it's too painful. As soon as we have good news, we'll let you know when we are ready".

I don't think it is unfair for you to tell your parents and leave it up to your DH what he wants to tell his.

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EmberElftree · 08/09/2014 15:11

Thanks Pacific and so sorry to hear about your losses. How wonderful for you to have your 4 lovely DCs now. I agree that I feel like it should be talked about and I actually want to tell my parents about it and to talk to them. They will just be heartbroken for us and it seems too much to handle on top of our own heartbreak.

The future seems so tainted now with the thought of never being able to have our own DCs. I know that is a negative thought process but I think about it every day.

My gyn who is amazing told me that 1 in 3 pregnancies end in miscarriage. I couldn't get my head around that it seems like such a huge number. I know of family friends who have had mcs but no-one in my immediate family has which is where my feeling of inadequacy comes from.

Yes I do need to get my act together and it seems perfectly reasonable when you say leave it up to DH but we have to stay with them in their house for 3 nights. They are not an open family and it's all bait sterile and forced at times, makes me cringe to even think about it!

It's already not something I'm hugely looking forward being in their place for so long - far less telling them about our mmc and the subsequent awkwardness.

Do I need to (wo)man up?

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EmberElftree · 08/09/2014 15:15

I surprised myself with my lack of knowledge when we began our ttc journey last November. I hadn't even heard of a missed miscarriage. I thought I knew about miscarriage and the risks involved but I didn't know that the baby can die without you actually knowing about it and have the placenta continue to grow and still have positive tests.

That's why I did it naturally because I thought I can see 'him' on the screen then perhaps they just can't get his heartbeat yet. I didn't want to do it surgically in case there was even a chance. My DH was convinced that the doc was wrong but I sort of knew deep down and thought that the pain & anticipation of waiting for it to actually happen would be preferable to thinking what if…

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PacificDogwood · 08/09/2014 15:21

No, I don't think anybody needs to 'man up' about this kind of thing.
At all.
And, just to make it clear, nobody must talk about it - it's a deeply personal thing and I suppose I am more of a 'have it all out on the table' kind of person (me DH's family not so much…)

I think the heartbreak is part of the problem: I found me equilibrium again when I stopped thinking 'Why me?' and realised 'Why for heaven's sake NOT me?'. I am no more and no less deserving of having my own children as anybody else and it is it in the nature of human (or in fact mammalian) reproduction that some fertilised eggs never really get v far - or get a little bit along the way and then stop growing Sad.
So for me (apologies, I know that this does not apply to many people who suffered MC and who in fact find it hurtful) it did help to think 'this pregnancy was not meant to be' and to remind myself that 'at least I could conceive'.

I am just saying this because you have to find a way to make your peace with the hand that fate dealt you and move on from it. Then it becomes easier to talk about it because it is less of a catastrophe (although it feel like one, I know that).

The other thing we started talking about loss No3 was should be just stop trying? I was in my late 30s by then and it would have been quite relaxing to Just. Stop. Trying.
So, again, having considered that, we decided to keep going because neither one of us could imagine not trying.

Have you had any counselling after your loss?
Have a look at the Miscarriage Association - good website and a lively forum.

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PacificDogwood · 08/09/2014 15:23

Ah, x-post, sorry.

See, I opted to have surgical treatment because I needed it to be 'over'.

No right or wrong there either.

Everything your describing is although deeply personal also entirely normal and has been felt/thought before.

You are not alone in what you are going through - and nor is your DH. I think the father-who-didn't-get-to-be-a-dad (on this occasion!) is often forgotten a bit.

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lavendersun · 08/09/2014 15:33

You must remember that you only have to tell them if you (both) want to.

Sadly I have had 9 miscarriages (I do have an identified reason for them and have a blood disorder that makes pregnancy difficult). After the first three I don't think I told my family, because I didn't want their opinion or need their approval.

They would have told me to be happy with my only child and forget about trying for more (and did just that after the third m/c). I didn't want to hear it.

Fortunately we live a long way away from both sets of families so it didn't crop up.

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ToriB34 · 08/09/2014 20:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EmberElftree · 09/09/2014 05:53

Yes Pacific that is a good way to look at in "why NOT us" and my gyn just said that (I know it upsets people) "at least we know the system works" which I found comforting also.

I had my hormones tested on day 3 of my first period after the mmc and all came back fine. I was wondering if I perhaps had some issue with progesterone or something but everything came back within the 'normal' range.

I am not worried so much about telling them what did happen more about how much pressure will be put on us for the future as in are you pregnant again yet and if not when and if you are then how is it going y'know? The thought of that makes my skin itch.

My age also concerns me as I'll be 36 in October I know there is a bunch of fear mongering around this but it does concern me. My DH says that is a load of rubbish! He is very positive that we will indeed have our own little person or people very soon. Thank God for him, he has been amazing.

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EmberElftree · 09/09/2014 05:57

Hi Lavendersun I'm so sorry for your losses. I'm sure it doesn't make it any easier no matter your circumstance.

I am still thinking about it and will bear in mind that we don't have to share. I just know that FIL is very over the top emotional (unlike MIL who is hard as stone!) and I don't want him blabbing to all of his side of the family. It feels like too much.

I do want to chat to my parents about it - to get my mum off my back from all the pressure - but also as I usually discuss any big life changes/plans etc.

Thanks for your advice and best wishes to you Thanks

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EmberElftree · 09/09/2014 06:00

Hi Tori

My DH was desperate to get on the blower as soon as I told him that I was pregnant bless him he wanted to shout it from the rooftops!

I said I would rather wait until we have our scan and hopefully we get a photo and then we would have something tangible to share with them (although I really wanted to wait until I was 12 weeks).

We had our first scan at 9 weeks on Easter Sunday which like yours, was not good news. Still my DH was hopeful but then at 10 weeks it was confirmed that there was no heartbeat and development had stopped at 6 weeks 4 days. I finally miscarried at 12 weeks exactly.

Will have a think about it and decide what is best for us to do.

Thanks for your feedback and good luck to you Thanks

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EmberElftree · 09/09/2014 06:01

Sorry Pacific, forgot to say no I have not had any counselling but thanks a lot for that link I will check it out.

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VashtaNerada · 09/09/2014 06:10

Flowers When I had a MMC I sent a group text to the relevant ppl saying something along the lines of "I've had a miscarriage but I'm not ready to talk about it yet" and then dealt with it privately and in my own time.

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EmberElftree · 09/09/2014 06:40

Hi Vashta Flowers it's good that you could deal with it like that. I did the opposite and avoided face-timing my mum as I couldn't do it without crying. I told her that the link was broken until I felt like I could face her.

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lavendersun · 09/09/2014 07:52

Hi OP - the reason for my miscarriages wasn't discovered until after no 7 so it was pretty hard to be honest. Discovery too late to stop no 8 which actually made me v poorly - we gave up after that one as I had had enough and was 40 by then (didn't start trying until 35 so they were all fairly close together with a perfect but premature baby after no 4).

Just had/still having no 9 this weekend after an unexpected pregnancy at 46 - I need to start the drugs before pregnancy and obviously didn't as it was completely unplanned, then there is the old lady factor! We haven't told anyone about this one as again I didn't want to hear their opinion.

My stance on your family situation would be to tell your parents as that obviously feels right for you and seriously consider whether you tell your in laws. You don't have to be 'fair' here. You must do the best for you and tell people you think will give you the support you need. You really don't need any negativity and must never ever feel inadequate or be made to feel inadequate by anyone. Be strong OP.

Warm wishes, Lavender.

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EmberElftree · 09/09/2014 08:12

Oh Lavender I'm thinking of you. What a time you've had of it.

Thank you for your advice, I will take it and be strong like you clearly are.

Take care of yourself x

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EffinIneffable · 09/09/2014 09:53

Ember I couldn't face telling my DH's mum. I said to him that he could tell her and talk to her about it if he wanted to, but I didn't want to. I also asked him to tell her not to try to have a conversation with me about it - she's fine, but we're not emotionally close and I find her difficult to deal with. She more or less stuck to it - said 'I'm sorry you're having a hard time' and then shut up. I really don't think there's a question of 'fairness' here about telling both sets of parents the same/at the same time - it's about you, and your DH and what you want to do. Initially I didn't want DH to tell anyone - his family or his friends. But actually I'm glad he had someone other than me to talk to about he felt - bc he was so busy being strong for me, he couldn't share his loss with me.

Your mum sounds slightly difficult to deal with, but hopefully as you are closer to her you can tell her the situation and ask her to respect that you need some time without being continually asked. Perhaps she's trying to be close with you and not realising she's actually piling on the pressure.

lavender what a journey you've been through. Really feeling for you just now. take care of yourself.

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lavendersun · 09/09/2014 11:06

Thank you both. I really didn't want to make this about me so v sorry OP just wanted to share my experience.

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EmberElftree · 09/09/2014 14:31

Not at all Lavender it really helps to chat to others so thank you for sharing.

Hi Effin, yes my mum really does want the best for me and her nagging is piling on the pressure while she is oblivious obviously as I haven't told her, I just think it needs to be in person. Also I know she will be so gutted so I have also been putting it off until I can handle her reaction.

What you have done is exactly what I would like to do. DH isn't especially close to his parents but they are his parents and he may want to chat to them about it, I just don't want to. Like you, his mum and I are fine we just aren't close and will never be. I cannot imagine chatting to her about this and his dad cries at the drop of a hat.

I also want DH to have someone to talk to although when he said a couple of weeks ago that he wanted to talk to someone about it I asked him who he wanted to open up to and he said he didn't know. Another guy he works with announced his wife's pregnancy and they are all on at him now like c'mon when are you and Ember gonna make an announcement which really upset him privately.

All of his friends have had issues with conception which is as much as we know, some have been trying for years. Who knows perhaps some of their wives have similar tales as us. They may also have kept things to themselves. Maybe he would prefer to share with his friends. One of them has had a successful IVF pregnancy after many failed attempts.

Thanks for your input it gives me more food for thought.

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