Pressure to 'carry on'? (pretty much a rant so please ignore)

[seasavage]

I had my second miscarriage at the end of July. I had avoided mentioning the pregnancy to my mother (she has definite theories about what I did wrong with the first pregnancy this year).
Anyway today she asked if I 'had any pregnancy news yet'.

I said no. Actually I'd had another miscarriage and as I'm not pregnant now and we have plans for a big holiday with my DD's next year I wouldn't try again. (Also I turn 40 next year).

Now she is cross. She can't believe I won't try again. She insists I go to a Dr to "sort" it. She doesn't understand there is no 'it'. There are no answers. What do I say?

When she realised I was trying she went ballistic over trying at my age. Now she seems to think I'm not trying enough.

I hate that I cannot have a baby. Of course I do. But now I feel so selfish for prefering to not go through the horror again. I know husband wants to try again but at least he realises we can't with a holiday in place. I know this means pushing my 40 deadline.

I just want to scream. It is selfish. But I need to look forward to real life and stop fantasising about what I apparently am not getting.

[bakingtins]

The short answer is it's none of her business. Only you and DH get a say in whether you TTC or not and I'd say you have the casting vote (if he's happy to try) because it's you that potentially is in the firing line again.

However, there is a possibility of there being an 'it'. Officially you're not eligible for testing until after 3mc but there are several ladies on the RMC thread who have had some NHS testing after 2 on the basis of being older or having fertility issues as well. NHS tests find a cause in about 50% of cases, and there are further tests only available privately that identify immune causes in some of the remainder. You could have tests and still be unexplained, which leaves you in your current position, or there could be treatable factors that improve your chances. Lots of advice available on the RMC thread of it's something you decide to pursue.

I had 3 MC trying for DC3 and have been round and round the question of whether to try again. In the end my problem was identified and treated and I had a lovely DD in May, I'll be 40 at the end of the year.

Your most recent loss must still be raw, it sounds like you need a break to decide what you really want, and if in a while you are settled in the decision that your family is complete then hopefully you can move forward.

[anotherdayanothersquabble]

You get to make this choice. Your Mum is foisting some of her own feelings on you, it is odd that she berated your choice to have another child and is now berating your choice not to. These are her issues, leave them with her and know that it is OK to do that and use your energies instead to work through the myriad of emotions you are feeling that are your own.

[dancestomyowntune]

i have had 11 miscarriages, 10 of them between dc1 and dc2. i had literally given up. i looked into fostering and adoption. then i fell when i wasn't ttc and had wonderful ds1. he is 8.next week. and then i had ds2 & dd2 in quick succesion with no issues. i am now 8 weeks with dc5.

be kind to yourself. do not let what your mum said upset you too much. she may have been excited by the idea of another baby and she may be disappointed.

[seasavage]

Thank you for responding. It was unexpected actually. The more I think about it. It's very hostile.
Yes. I am extremely 'raw' about it. I do realise that in a small % there is a reason. And then a small % that then is treatable (to an even smaller %)
But. I just feel this isn't going to happen for ME / not meant to be. (Partly there are "faith" issues and partly the statistics are now against me - all this plus menopause goes early in my family).
I really think I owe it to my daughters and husband to focus on real life. Next years holiday, improving my 'career', being a focused parent and wife. Pregnancy and miscarriage have made me lose my focus.
I am frustrated that the few people who know about this second miscarriage ALL want to know when I get pregnant again. They are confused I can't contemplate it. I guess I can't handle this pressure, nor that by implication, I let them down. As well as my husband.

[seasavage]

(DD are 8 and 6 with a different dad, but even with that I don't think I get any kind of fertility referal in my area, certainly none of the medical staff have mentioned it). I know my daughters have been alarmed by my hospital stays. I don't want them going through those emotions again (no idea about pregnancies or miscarriages).

[dancestomyowntune]

you know yourself best, op. i realised after about my eigth or ninth miscarriage that each one takes a little bit out of you. it was slowly destroying me. and then.every time i fell pregnant i was petrified! i still have the same epu nurse in this pregnancy that i have had in all my pregnancies. she cannot believe i am still putting myself through pregnancies. but i do have four beautiful children and they are worth everything we have been through.

be kind to yourself. let your mind and your body heal and dont let other people guilt trip you.