My miscarriage

[AnnaGGFife]

Ever since I can remember I have always wanted to be a mamma. I helped my mum bring up my little sister and 2 little brothers while she was going through post natal depression pretty badly so from the age of 7 I was able to change nappies and all sorts.
I've always dreamed of having my own little buddy or princess and how they would become mammas little best friend and I as I grew older and I got into a serious relationship I thought this guy would be perfect to settle down with and have our own child together.....I was wrong.

Wed been together 3 years when I said I would like for us to think about our future and when will we be thinking of having a child but it was always brushed aside as like it never mattered to him so I never brought it up again as I hurt me the way he looked at me the way I said it and we started slowly drifting apart after that until we were on holiday and my period was just spotting (usually they are cripplingly sore) and I felt different which made us wonder if I had fell pregnant but where we were on holiday didn't sell pregnancy tests so we were to wait till we got back home to find out. I had all these thoughts rushing round my head full of what ifs and it was making me so happy that just maybe I would have my prescious little baby. As the holiday ended we were arguing over the smallest things, I wouldn't see him till stupid o'clock at night as he was "at his friends". I was so stressed to think what this idiot was doin behind my back from 9am to 3am the next day. Ide still not bought this test as he'd blown all his money on protein stuff and a gym membership. So I thought to myself I was goin to leave, I was goin to quit college and go stay with my parents and hopefully I was pregnant so I could start a new life with my baby and give them the life they deserved with no false hope.

On the 14th of November 2012 I was told that my grandfather had passed away a couple of days previous and they had just had his funeral that day. The news had hit me like I had lost my father, he had brought me up while my father was barely there for me and now I never got an opertunity to even say goodbye to one of the best things to happen to me. Ide hit rock bottom, everything was a blur from all the crying and heartbreak that Ide forgot about the thought that I may be pregnant. I was getting phonecalls from my father saying it was my fault that he'd passed which pushed me to an all new low, I was self harming, not eating, not sleeping and drinking to numb the pain and my boyfriend was barely around to even comfort me.

On the 19th of November 5 days later, I was feelin awful, so sick, so sore, especially my stomach but I never thought of what it may be as I was still in my depressive haze. I was sitting at the college computers when I felt the most excruciating pain and pressure so I tried to go to the toilets but couldn't make it to the cubicle and fell on my hands and knees in agony. When I looked down I noticed blood dripping from my leggings....a lot!
A girl came into the toilets to see me in agony in a pool of my blood crying, she then helped me up and drove me up to the hospital where I was seen to straight away. It wasn't until the doctor asked me if I may be pregnant where I remembered.
So they took urine samples and it turned out that Ide had a miscarriage and I blanked, I can't remember anything that the doctor had said to me and as he examined me I just remember feeling empty, alone and so angry at myself for letting this happen.
I got home around 10pm that night and surprise surprise, nobody was home because yet again he was at his "friends" house. I just curled up on the couch an cried myself to sleep. I hadn't said anything to my boyfriend the next day as he didn't even have the decentsy to tell me he wasn't going to come home and we just argued when he got in.

I was empty. Nobody to talk to, angry beyond beliefs that I had a baby for 10 weeks, a baby Ide always wanted, a baby I would do anything to protect and give my life for, a baby Ide planned their whole life out. The hatred I had for myself was unreal, I continued to self harm and drink, not sleep and not eat until Ide taken my body to a whole new level that Ide collapsed on my way to do shopping. The doctors were surprised I wasn't dead the amount of damage I had made to my body.

On the 1st of December my boyfriend and I were invited to a friends birthday party and me feeling the way I was feeling, Ide drank my fair share of alcohol not caring what the doctors had said. Someone had approached our table with their child and I felt such a horrible jealousy and hurt. My boyfriend had then said how much I live kids so his friend proceeded to pass me their little one and I remember looking into their eyes and wishing how much I could have the feeling of looking into my babies eyes and being able to feel the love. I had to give the baby back and run out the room as I burst out crying. My boyfriend had then caught up with me and asked what was going on with me (as if he cares) so I told him about the miscarriage and how I wanted to just take a bottle of pills and just end myself and all I got I got in return was a 5 second hug and "maybe one day baby, now stop crying you'll make your makeup run. Now let's go see Michaels cake". I felt like I was kicked in the teeth because maybe, just maybe he might have cared but clearly it was time for one of us to call it a day. I was done.

I went on to mope about, argue with the waste of space I thought I loved and needed drink and not e able to look at anyone pregnant or with a baby for the next 6 months until all y friends were having to sit me down and try talk sense into me and I took a good look in the mirror and realised I was killing myself and needed to change, I couldn't be like this anymore so I got rid of everyone dragging me down, got a job and met someone new and I've turned myself around completely.

My new partner is amazing this July he came with me to burn a letter for my little ones first birthday, he's supported me with all my baggage and I couldn't be happier but I still have all this hatred inside and I need to find a way to stop. If someone could help me or just want to chat It would be amazing

Anna

[Cherryblossom200]

Oh Anna you poor, poor thing. I read your message and felt all your hurt and heartache come through, it clearly is still something which is very raw for you. Your new partner sounds amazing and you really do seem like you are on the right track. However, like you said you are still carrying around with this awful pain in your heart. Firstly, you need to stop blaming yourself, there was a big chance your baby had something wrong with it hence why you miscarried early on. I would strongly suggest you see a councillor, not sure if you are in the Uk? But you can get it free ok the NHS if you see your GP? I'm seeing one at the mo to talk about my ex who has walked away from me when I'm pregnant, the sessions are helping me hugely. Go on Monday and get the ball rolling, it will help you I promise.

In the meantime, you just need to take some time out to look after yourself. You have been through a lot, but with a strong, positive attitude everything will slowly get better. And I'm sure one day you will have a child of your own.

Big virtual hug, Cherry xx

[squizita]

Have you contacted the miscarriage association? They have amazing support on their forums, helpline and they list counsellors.

Good luck.

[CherryPie3]

Big hugs Anna. It sounds like to have come a long way since this ordeal but still have a way to go to yet back to being 'you' again. The ladies over on the miscarriage forums on Mumsnet helped me massively when I had a miscarriage, they will be able to offer so much advice. Be kind to yourself, time is wonderful and can heal many wounds.

[IonaMumsnet]

Hi there OP,
Really sorry to hear about your miscarriage. If you don't mind we're going to move this thread to our Miscarriage boards where we think you'll get lots more support and advice from other women who have been through pregnancy and baby loss themselves. All the best for the future. MNHQ