how does life just go on?

(4 Posts)
Ljialnye Sat 09-Aug-14 08:29:51

My dating scan did not detect a heartbeat on the 21st of July, meaning that my precious second child was already living with the angels. another scan 8days later confirmed this and I attended hospital on Monday the 4th and then all day on the 6th to give birth to my baby.
I know I am not alone and plenty of women have suffered as I am, but how do you manage to carry on and live life afterwards? Simply, I can't cope. I tend to put on a brave face and tell people how I'm looking forward to this and that but I'm in turmoil. Knowing I'll never hold my baby or smell his newborn smell haunts me, and I keep on picturing him somewhere without me to look after him and be there if he ever needed me. I'd probably had contemplated suicide if I didn't have a 20month old baby but obviously would never leave her without her Mummy.
Please anybody who has been through this or knows of any, give me some advice? Maybe I'm just looking for somebody else who understands because nobody around me seems to. the amount of people who have told me that 'I will have more children'(!!!!!!) how can I just replace my precious angel with other babies? it's horrendous to even think about!
I may sound pathetic but I'm so desperate for somebody to just listen and talk to me.. I have never felt so lonely in my life. and I sure have never hurt so much before. I know I'm lucky as I have my little girl who brings me endless joy even when I'm hurting but that isn't going to take away the grief of my Angel Baby

Xxx

bakingtins Sat 09-Aug-14 08:54:37

I'm sorry you lost your baby. It is all so recent and so raw for you, there is a process of grieving that you need to go through but it does get easier. Not that you will forget or replace your baby, but that the loss becomes easier to live with and that you'll be able to feel happy again. someone posted an analogy that I found helpful that initially a MC can feel like a millstone round your neck, as you take little steps to move on it is gradually worn away until it's a small pebble you can slip into your pocket, still with you but no longer dragging you down. Writing down your feelings helps, allow yourself to move through whatever emotions are thrown up over the next few days and weeks and look after yourself physically. I found it enormously helpful to do something to honour and commemorate the loss e.g. Plant a tree, release a balloon, write a letter or poem, choose a piece of memorial jewellery...
The people around you love you and are trying to help. It is hard to see someone suffering and it's a natural reaction to try to minimise the loss by saying "at least" you can get pregnant/it was early/you can try again etc. Experience says the only thing that is appropriate is "it's a really shitty thing to happen and I'm so sorry" but you probably will come up against a lot of "at least"ing.
There are lots of us here to listen whenever you need to post. flowers

MockingJayBird Sat 09-Aug-14 23:22:22

I'm so sorry for your loss. Your are not alone in this, but it is very difficult to see how life around goes on like normal, when you find yourself in this deep pit of despair that does not seem to have a way out.

Don't push yourself, trying to go back to 'normal'. There is no 'normal' right now, and it will never be the same again - you will have to redefine it for yourself.
Most of all - give yourself time to grieve. Your loss is very recent, everything is still raw, and your hormones are all over the place. Don't try to 'get over it' or 'get on with it', allow yourself to be sad, angry, desperate... Your lost your precious baby, and no one will know how that feels except you. Don't be hard on yourself, do what you need to do. Baking made some excellent suggestions, some of which I have also done in the past to help me come to terms with my miscarriages.

Be kind to yourself, be selfish - this time is the one time where you have every right and reason to just think of yourself.
Do you have anyone IRL to talk to? I know it's a very personal thing, but I found that it really helped me to just be open and tell people around what had happened - and I was absolutely astonished how many had been in the same situation! This happens to so many people, so you are definitely not alone.
Maybe you might want to consider counselling to try and help you deal with the grief?

Little steps right now, one day at a time. The loss will never go away, but you will find that you will start to be able to deal with it, accept it and still enjoy life. I'm sorry I can't tell you when that will be, but it will happen. For now, don't fight the grief. It hurts, it's awful and soul-destroying, and you will have the scars for the rest of your life. But your are not alone.

Shroomboom Wed 13-Aug-14 16:49:24

Oh I'm so sorry for what you're going through sad It is heartbreakingly difficult to carry on, but somehow life continues, and very slowly the pain you feel now will start to ease.
I've had 8 losses, and am all too familiar with the feelings you're experiencing now. There doesn't seem to be a reason to carry on living, but I can assure you there is. Take comfort in your 20 month old, she needs you and you are her world. As Mocking said, just take little steps right now, go with how you feel and you'll get there.
I'm thinking of you sad

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