Don't think I'm coping too well...

(17 Posts)
SimplyComplicated Thu 10-Jul-14 13:11:44

Feel like I'm in a really dark place just now and don't know how to get out of it sad

Miscarried at 12 weeks and should be about 22 weeks now.

Today I have found myself looking up how my baby would be developing at this stage, and even looking at pictures of bumps at 22 weeks imagining how I should be looking now. I keep thinking about what I should be buying and should be doing. I know this isn't healthy, and honestly don't know why I am doing this to myself.

I have also recently split from my partner, which I know is adding to this feeling of being so alone and having nothing (even though I know it was a relationship that I had to get out of.)

Haven't had a day as bad as this for a long time, but just feel like I am never going to be truly happy and feel 'like me' again. I have got quite good at 'smiling' and just getting on and telling people 'I'm ok' when I'm not, but honestly now feel that I can't keep this act up any more.

Everything just seems so pointless now, and I genuinely feel that my life as it is now has no purpose or meaning. Can't get away from the feeling that if I was still pregnant it would keep me going and have something to look forward to sad

leanne963 Thu 10-Jul-14 13:30:27

'Im ok' is the hardest thing to say when you feel you are NOT ok. Talk to a close friend or family member and let it all out. It is normal to be thinking about what you would be doing 'if' the pregnancy carried on. I estimated i would be due around Christmas and got so excited thinking about how amazing it would be with our first child, bringing the family together and having a great time. So i get exactly how you feel, how can you smile again when you lost something that was making you so happy?
You will be OK soon though, i had to take up a hobby and start volunteering to get my mind off it, the more i sat around at home the more sad i got. Do something for yourself now, go have a holiday or buy yourself something you would deem as a luxury, you need to treat YOU.

Big hugs, look after yourself!
xxx

SimplyComplicated Thu 10-Jul-14 14:37:36

I don't know how to actually speak to anyone to open up - saying 'hi, you know how I make on all the time that I'm ok? Well I'm not and am fed up pretending to be!' Doesn't exactly seem right.

My family all live a good bit away (about a 6 hr drive) and although my mum and sister came up to support me just after the MC they are back home again now. I wouldn't want to call and worry them as they have their own lives to be getting on with and don't think it's fair on them to be worrying about how I am or am not coping.

I have a few good close friends but also don't feel like I want to burden them with this. Had to rely on them a lot after leaving my partner and almost feel as if I went to them now to let them know that I'm struggling might almost be seen as taking advantage of their kindness and seeking attention/sympathy.

It feels as if everyone else has forgotten about the fact that I miscarried, and just expect me to moved on and gotten over it too.

Hate that I'm feeling so shit, and feel like I'm wallowing in self pity - buy just can't see there ever being an escape from feeling like this.

YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime Thu 10-Jul-14 14:49:40

you are grieving - its ok to feel down.

I miscarried a few month ago and dealt with it very well at the time but am very much avoiding anything related to pregnancy/babies recently.

there is no right way to grieve so don't be hard on yourself.

Elsiejean23 Thu 10-Jul-14 15:00:02

Hey, firstly can I just say how amazing you are for having the balls to say these things in a thread, i couldn't say it out loud for ages after mine. Let's not lie, it's the lowest you're ever likely to feel, especially as it's so fresh. It is so normal and okay for you to feel this way, I felt miserable but (not sure if it will work for you) I focussed on the fact that 1 in 4 pregnancies ends badly, but because of you 3 babies made it. They'll never know it but YOU DID THAT, next time it will be your time. My mama said mine happened for a reason but at 21 I refused to accept it, I gave birth to a healthy little girl 20 weeks ago, she is the reason I was made to wait. It won't seem like it now but it does get easier, don't get me wrong it's no bed of roses and I still have antidepressants but I'm coping. I hope I have helped, please feel free to get in touch, good luck Angel xx

SimplyComplicated Thu 10-Jul-14 15:25:28

Thanks for the kind words.

I do keep trying to tell myself that things will get better and it's ok to be feeling like this, but I am struggling to convince myself.

Just wish someone would notice how much I'm hurting and give me a big hug and tell me that everything is going to be ok and I'll actually believe them.

YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime Thu 10-Jul-14 17:30:20

Just wish someone would notice how much I'm hurting

you are trying to hide your grief from people. which is ok. but you are going to have to let you guard down with someone in RL if you want more support.

SimplyComplicated Thu 10-Jul-14 19:21:31

I know that's what I need to do... it's just the actual being able to do it that I'm struggling with.

Saying how I feel on here, where no-one knows me is easy - Just never been great at showing my feelings to others in RL.

MrsGranny Thu 10-Jul-14 20:24:30

Elsie, I found your words to be so comforting. I had a mmc 3 months ago and each cycle since has been heartbreaking as I'm still not pregnant again. I know it's still very soon after, I just thought it would happen straight away like it seems to for a lot of women after a mc. I too am struggling to come to terms with what happened and feel bad about burdening other people. But your words about how I lost a baby so 3 others could keep theirs is a good way to turn something so horrible into a positive. I actually know 3 people who are pregnant/just given birth so I can totally relate. Thank you for making me feel a bit better after a tough weekend (got my period hmm)

twilightstruggle Thu 10-Jul-14 20:34:44

Hey Simply. Hugs to you because it is awful.

I've historically been quite a private person when things are painful. I guess as a society we're taught that we should be stoic and 'strong'. I've had several miscarriages over the past few years and its been absolutely horrendous. But, the silver lining has been learning how to open up to people and get a bit of support. I'm not going to lie, some people I let in said the stupid stuff we all know isn't helpful. But some have been amazing and sharing painful stuff with them has brought us closer. That side of it has been lovely.

I also take comfort from the idea that in being really open about miscarriage, and how painful it is, is my but towards counteracting how much miscarriage is shrouded in secrecy, as it is that shrowdednrss that contributes to us feeling so isolated and like we should just 'get on'. Does that make sense. In being open you also learn how many people have been through similar things.

Take care though, and massive hugs. flowers

twilightstruggle Thu 10-Jul-14 20:36:13

my bit not my but!

SimplyComplicated Thu 10-Jul-14 21:55:11

Thanks Twilight thanks

Yeah letting people see that you're struggling is what's difficult. Its much easier to paint on a smile, put on a front then fall apart when you're alone. It's something I'm definitely going to have to work on though as I don't know if I'll manage to get through another day like today on my own. I'm going to contact my GP tomorrow as I do feel that things have just gotten too much now and think I need some help to get through this.

twilightstruggle Thu 10-Jul-14 22:01:27

You're not on your own. You have 'us'. And we understand completely. But yes, people in rl are probably better. Do you have a good friend/ relative/ work colleague who appears particularly compassionate who you could approach as a bit of an experiment to see how seeking support goes?. GP also sounds like a good bet but ultimately they won't give you a cuddle and let you sob on their shoulder I think its frowned upon!

twilightstruggle Thu 10-Jul-14 22:09:51

P.s if your mum, sis, friend came to you wanting to talk about a miscarriage I bet it wouldn't even occur to you to see it as a burden/taking advantage/ seeking attention. You're a good person going through an utterly shite time.

SimplyComplicated Fri 11-Jul-14 00:04:11

I do have a few good friends that I spoke to soon after the miscarriage who were great, but I suppose because it was a little while ago now I can't help but feel that they might think I am 'dragging it up' and looking for pity just because everything else has gone to shit now too. Deep down I suppose I know this isn't true because they are decent people and am probably just using this as a pathetic excuse to myself to avoid having to open up.

I am so appreciative of the support I have had from people on here today, it truly amazes me how kind strangers can be to someone who is in need of it.

Hoping that after a good nights sleep (if I can actually manage to get one) tomorrow might be a better day and I can find the strength to reach out for some help in RL that I think I need.

gingysmummy Fri 11-Jul-14 16:43:48

Hi simply,i can totally emphasies with you i just suffered my 4th mmc 2nd this year.my dh now lives 100 miles away for his new job.Feeling so so down ,don't feel i'll ever be happy or have any joy again.
In rl my parents don't know i was preg again as they got got so upset when i lost baby earlier this year no one except dh knew and he's not here.
I can't even have a good cry as ds 7 will wonder why i'm cring so have to be strong for him.my dh will be home tonight but i'm working nightshift all weekend so won't see him.Feel so hopeless and numb.
I also posted earlier about fuck up that hospital made so not helping my mood at all

OP, I hope you are feeling better today, and that the GP has helped.
I think you're doing fine, FWIW. Although you're probably being a bit hard on yourself. My last miscarriage was 27 years ago and I still think about what could have been, especially in March when it happened and in Sept when I should have met him. But now, it's with sadness, not with the rawness that originally occurred. (Not that it takes that long....) I have had two live births since. My point is, in all this rambling, give yourself some space and time, and ask for help when you need it. People are usually kind if you give them a chance.
Please PM me if you think it would help.
thanks

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