Grief after losing baby

(7 Posts)
SpanielFace Sun 22-Jun-14 12:57:44

It's now been 3 weeks and 2 days since we lost our beautiful little boy Alex at 21 weeks. He had died at 16 weeks, but I had no idea until my 20 weeks scan. I was induced, and he was born sleeping on 30th of May.

And life is going on, as it does. I have an energetic 22 month old DS who keeps me busy. I decided to go back to work last week - I'm self employed, and work 2 days a week. There was a financial part to the decision, with being self employed, but also part of me just wanted to get it over with. I've been coping ok at work, and everyone keeps saying how well I'm doing, how brave I'm being. But what the hell else can I be? There are still nappies to change, bedtime stories to read, supermarket shopping to do, fish fingers to cook, clothes to wash, money to earn... I feel a bit like I'm on a treadmill at the moment. On the outside I probably look like I'm doing ok, but on the inside I'm really really not. I feel like I'm exhausted, and could do with a break, but as soon as I stop being busy I start to think, and then I start to cry... I'm also having nightmares and not sleeping well, which isn't helping.

I'm fully aware I'm bottling it up, but I don't know how else to cope with normal life, and I'm trying so hard to be normal for DS. I know I need to allow myself to grieve for the little boy we have lost, but it's like I don't know how. The grief is so massive, I'm so frightened that if I stop pretending that I'm ok, I will just go to pieces all together. And then what effect will that have on DS? He needs his mummy to be strong and his life to be normal and happy.

We're still waiting for post mortem results to come back, and then we can have a little service for him and put him to rest. But I've been told it can take 2 months or even more.

How do you get over something like this? How am I ever going to be able to stop imagining 2 little boys instead of one, or be able to see friends with newborns and be happy for them? How can I stop being manically busy, and allow myself to grieve?

Part of me wants to get pregnant again ASAP, I just feel so empty without a baby in me. But I'm honestly not sure if it's the right thing to do. Apart from anything else, I have an underactive thyroid and am quite overweight, and frightened that could be why we lost him. I really want to get a bit healthier before I get pregnant again, but I hardly know where to start - I don't have the mental energy right now. And so I feel worse than ever.

Sorry for the long post, but people were so helpful last month. No one in real life, with the exception of DH, knows how I'm really feeling, and he is coping with his own sadness.

Catlover2014 Sun 22-Jun-14 16:35:14

Hello,

I just wanted to say how sad I was to read your post and how awfully sorry I am for what you have been through.

I can't imagine how hard this must be and I can see that you're being very brave but it's also ok to cry.

I can't offer advice from experience on losing a baby when being this far along but I would consider the following for now:

1. Wait for the hospital test results to come back before trying again, this will give your body time to recover a little too

2. Join a walking group or aerobics class to slim down a little for your health and happiness, this will also do wonders for your emotional well being and confidence

3. Plant something in your garden like a rose bush to remeber your little boy by. Do it as a family so the plant will become special to you all and a place you can go when feeling sad or happy

4. Take a holiday to the seaside when you can so you can have some relaxation / healing time

5. Confide in a good friend or colleague so that you have someone to check up on you every now again. It can do wonders to have someone there to listen.

You will go onto have a happy and healthy pregnancy in the the future but for now you, DH and DS must just stand together as a family. Time does heal but I know you'll never forget.

Love, hugs and warm thoughts to you all xxx

Rejjie Mon 23-Jun-14 01:40:13

Spaniel I was so sad to read your post.

I had a miscarriage a month ago at 10 weeks and that was absolutely devastating. I cannot even imagine how awful your situation is.

I have still not returned to work as I have an active, public-facing role and I am neither physically or emotionally ready.

I think you need to give yourself a break and think of yourself as well as your son and husband.

I completely understand the desire to get pregnant again and I felt like that up until about a week ago as I just felt so empty. Now however I realise that I am in no physical state to conceive and I need to get myself as healthy and strong as possible. Have you considered getting a dog? It would be something for your family to focus on and you'd get great exercise walking it.

Is there any access to counselling in your area? It could be a big help for both you and your husband. I was told by my GP that there was no point putting me on the list as the wait was so long but then a friend recommended a local charity. There may be something similar in your area. We are going to go as a couple as we feel we need to clear our heads and get ourselves into a place where we can consider trying again. The fear is enormous at the moment, as I'm sure you can imagine.

I really wish your family well and hope you find the strength to get through this.

utterlyconflicted Mon 23-Jun-14 03:45:40

I'm so sorry to read of your loss. I know someone who was desperate to conceive after her baby was born sleeping at 22 weeks, it took 6 months but she now has a lovely little son. He doesn't replace her daughter in any way but she did help with her awful feeling of emptiness.

SANDS were also very, very supportive and helpful in her darkest times.

ChristopherRobin Mon 23-Jun-14 13:58:07

So so sorry for your loss.
I had a missed miscarriage at 11 weeks on Thursday and I know what you mean about feeling empty inside. I know logically that I could try again and hopefully have a healthy baby but it's so hard to get the picture of your baby and the family you would have had (I have dd 14mo) out of your head.
There are no words to say as I have realised, just try and take every day as it comes and concentrate on the beautiful DC we have. We will find the strength to get through this xx

rainbow9713 Tue 01-Jul-14 14:11:32

I am so sorry to hear of your loss, reading your post bought me right back to when I lost my little girl phoenix at 28 weeks.
Everybody grieves in different ways and although I have experienced the loss of a baby and having to go through labour knowing my baby wasn't alive, it is so so hard to give advice.
For me I was very similar to you, I wanted to go back to work and bottled up my grief, I just wanted to feel 'normal' whatever normal is after going through such a loss.
The thing that was easier for me is I didn't have any other children so I can imagine that is even harder.
It took me 3 months for my grief to actually surface, when it did I was beside myself and was inconsolable, I refused anti-depressants and councilling, however looking back I wish I did contact SANDS for help.
My mom contacted them but I still refused to speak to them. So that is the only advice I could really give to be honest.
One thing I did do which made me feel better was I raised money for the hospital maternity and baby loss wards in my daughters name. I believe every life has a purpose and I wanted my baby girls short life to mean something.
I hope things are ok for you and if you want to talk then message me. Xxx

helgaw99 Wed 23-Jul-14 16:45:36

Hi Spaniel,
I have just read your post and it could have been me that wrote it. Two weeks ago I miscarried at 21 weeks. We are still waiting for postmortem results and today I have organised the babies cremation for next week.
I am so exhausted- I feel exactly like you that trying to be normal for my 2 year old son is wringing me out. I keep repeating a mantra to myself that says "act normal and soon it will normal." But now I'm not sure if that's the right way to do it.
I keep crying all the time and am having awful trouble sleeping. I don't seem to be able to rustle up the energy to see anyone talk to anyone or do anything other than be with my husband and my gorgeous boy.
I also am desperate to be pregnant, I feel like I've been kicked out of a club that I was so desperate to be part of. It took us six months to get pregnant with this baby and was the most planned thing we have ever done. I am surrounded by friends are pregnant with their second or third children and now they look at my with pity and don't know what to say.
I literally ache with grief and I don't know what to do to make it stop. I guess time and maybe another pregnancy is all that will make me feel better.
I just want you to know that you are not alone and there are other people feeling exactly the same way as you are feeling now.
Much love
Hx

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