It's now been 3 weeks and 2 days since we lost our beautiful little boy Alex at 21 weeks. He had died at 16 weeks, but I had no idea until my 20 weeks scan. I was induced, and he was born sleeping on 30th of May.
And life is going on, as it does. I have an energetic 22 month old DS who keeps me busy. I decided to go back to work last week - I'm self employed, and work 2 days a week. There was a financial part to the decision, with being self employed, but also part of me just wanted to get it over with. I've been coping ok at work, and everyone keeps saying how well I'm doing, how brave I'm being. But what the hell else can I be? There are still nappies to change, bedtime stories to read, supermarket shopping to do, fish fingers to cook, clothes to wash, money to earn... I feel a bit like I'm on a treadmill at the moment. On the outside I probably look like I'm doing ok, but on the inside I'm really really not. I feel like I'm exhausted, and could do with a break, but as soon as I stop being busy I start to think, and then I start to cry... I'm also having nightmares and not sleeping well, which isn't helping.
I'm fully aware I'm bottling it up, but I don't know how else to cope with normal life, and I'm trying so hard to be normal for DS. I know I need to allow myself to grieve for the little boy we have lost, but it's like I don't know how. The grief is so massive, I'm so frightened that if I stop pretending that I'm ok, I will just go to pieces all together. And then what effect will that have on DS? He needs his mummy to be strong and his life to be normal and happy.
We're still waiting for post mortem results to come back, and then we can have a little service for him and put him to rest. But I've been told it can take 2 months or even more.
How do you get over something like this? How am I ever going to be able to stop imagining 2 little boys instead of one, or be able to see friends with newborns and be happy for them? How can I stop being manically busy, and allow myself to grieve?
Part of me wants to get pregnant again ASAP, I just feel so empty without a baby in me. But I'm honestly not sure if it's the right thing to do. Apart from anything else, I have an underactive thyroid and am quite overweight, and frightened that could be why we lost him. I really want to get a bit healthier before I get pregnant again, but I hardly know where to start - I don't have the mental energy right now. And so I feel worse than ever.
Sorry for the long post, but people were so helpful last month. No one in real life, with the exception of DH, knows how I'm really feeling, and he is coping with his own sadness.
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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss
Grief after losing baby
6 replies
SpanielFace · 22/06/2014 12:57
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