Missed miscarriage at 9 weeks, feeling guilty that I'm not more upset.

(7 Posts)
SloanePeterson Thu 12-Jun-14 13:52:59

I had a scan yesterday at what should have been 9 weeks, as I had some bleeding overnight. Nothing huge, but I wanted to get checked out. The scan showed the baby stopped growing about two weeks ago, and I'm booked in for an ERPC tomorrow. Yesterday I was in pieces, we don't drive so if gone to the hospital on my own on the train and had to come home alone after I'd been told this. My dp is devastated. This would have been my fourth, but his first. He left work straight away and has been given leave for the rest of the week. He's always wanted dc of his own, though he is fantastic with my three and we're already a great little family.
The thing that's upsetting me is that I'm thinking, well, we don't really have space for another, no car, no time. Despite it being a very much wanted pregnancy I'm almost relieved. Am I perhaps just in shock? I'm almost waiting to come crashing down. Maybe I will after tomorrow. The thing is, I really can't see myself wanting to try again. I'd foolishly already bought some of the bigger equipment we'd need and I already want it out of the house. They've said they'll out a coil in tomorrow if I want them to and I'm thinking I'll have it. Should I actually take more time to think? I feel like the worlds worst mother because I hadn't really given this baby much thought. I'm very busy with the others and hadn't really been thinking about being pregnant, I'd just been getting on with things. Dp is a star but I, worried because I need to support him too. It feels like his loss is greater than mine iykwim. I just want tomorrow over and done with.

firsttimekat Thu 12-Jun-14 14:00:06

I'm sorry for your loss. I think it can be a big shock and sounds like you just got on with the practicalities, I'd give yourself some time for everything to sink in before you make any big decisions. I know after I found out about my MC I just wanted to work out the basics, e.g. Erpc, getting rid of baby things that were around and after all that was done it just sort of hit me.

SloanePeterson Thu 12-Jun-14 14:33:54

Thank you Kat. I haven't really thought beyond tomorrow. This time tomorrow I'll either be coming round or in theatre. The weekend is going to be tough as we have no one who can really take the dc to give us a break. Dp is amazing, I'm in bed now and I know he'll let me stay here as long as I need. But he needs looking after too and I just don't know what I can do for him

firsttimekat Fri 13-Jun-14 12:17:16

I hope everything went ok for you today, sounds like you have good support from you DH. Take it easy and be kind to yourself.

SloanePeterson Fri 13-Jun-14 12:53:02

Thank you x am all prepped and have to wait til about 3.30 for the op. Have had my tears but the nurse was wonderful. Have a stonking headache but am hoping to get something of a snooze before things happen. I'm
Still scared but looking forward to being home in my own bed.

littlepeas Fri 13-Jun-14 13:39:30

I have 3dc already and lost my 4th in April at 9 weeks - so very similar circumstances. I felt very much the same - already have a lovely family, not sure I want to try again. It's been 7 weeks now and thoughts of another are creeping back in, but there are so many things to get past before we get to having the baby I am finding it hard to think beyond them (worries about miscarrying again, get spd in pregnancy, have had 3 sections and would need another, all the other worries about pregnancy/ the baby, trying to time things so it doesn't impact on my dc too much - have reception starters this September and next, plus dc1 already in school, Easter was totally rattled by the miscarriage and want to avoid being in early pregnancy for our holiday in August just in case - worries about the age gap being too big compared with the others.....many many things to consider).

The situation with your dp must make things so much harder - my dh wants to try again, but will leave it up to me as it would be our 4th together and he can appreciate all I've said above. Do give yourself some time - initially I was adamant I did not want to try again and almost saw the mc as a sign we shouldn't, but, as I said, thoughts of a 4th are creeping back in now, 7 weeks on.

SloanePeterson Fri 13-Jun-14 16:11:06

Little peas thank you, you've made me feel much. Ritter and more normal. I'm all done, having my cup of tea and I'm in no pain which is pretty remarkable and a relief. I really have been treated so kindly I'm in awe of the nurses and lovely surgeon. They are all angels. Trying to get the appetite to eat my biscuits and then I can go in an hour or so. I woke up from the anaesthetic and cried which apparently is completely normal but I feel much better now. Onwards and upwards x

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