Feeling horrendous anger towards DP over miscarriage nearly 5 years ago

(6 Posts)
prawnypoos Sun 08-Jun-14 16:55:50

My DP had been separated from his partner for 2 months when we met. He wanted to keep our relationship under the radar for a little while longer before coming out as an item which I thought was fair enough as his ex had been pretty upset by the split.

Anyway 3 months later I received a text of DP more or less saying 'I'm so sorry Beth (name change) is having a baby, she is 5 months pregnant and she has only just found out, we can't see each other anymore please try and be happy for us, she didn't think she could have kids.'

Of course I was shocked and devastated tht he had called time on us via text! He changed his number after that and I could only presume that he had gone back to her ( which he had).

Anyway I missed a period, thought it was maybe stress but took a test just to clear my mind. It wa very much positive.

I didn't know what I was going to do next. I was 16 years old, had just started sixth form but knew that there was no way I could abort this baby. That decision was made for me around a month later.

I had running blood tests and it was confirmed that I had miscarried and I was referred for a scan. Luckily I didn't require any further treatment.

I spilled all to a friend one night when I was finding it difficult to cope/believe with what had just happened to me. She confronted my ex and he denied any relationship with me.

I ran into him a few months after and he said tht he'd heard that I'd been in hospital and that he was sorry and felt really bad. All the while gushing about his partner and telling me how excited he was about their new baby's imminent arrival and how he loved feeling the baby kick and hearing the heartbeat at appointments.

We are together again. I have asked him if he was stringing both of us along but he says absolutely not. He said that he stood by her because she didn't think that she could have children so this was a 'miracle baby'. He also said he was worried about what people might think if he left her as a single mother and that he didn't want another man bringing his child up.

I told him nothing was going to happen between us until he had split from his partner and pushed him to the back of the mind to concentrate on my studies.

As it turns out his partner was cheating on him so they split.

The other day our friends came round to announce their exciting news - baby on the way.

They seemed so happy an it bought back memories of the miscarriage and when we found out that I was pregnant with DD.

Neither were happy experiences (he told me that I had 'trapped him' when I fell pregnant with DD even though I had been on the injection at the time). I spent the first 4 months of my pregnancy feeling forced to have a termination ( thank god I stood up for myself and refused) and being made to feel like a horrible, manipulative liar. He made me feel like this baby wasnt as special as the baby he already had and still to this day insists that 'nothing beats the feeling of your first child being born not even the birth of subsequent children'. I know it was a long time ago and he loves our DD but I just feel robbed of what should've been an exciting and happy time and I feel bitter about the miscarriage. I questioning why I am still with him. He knows its a sore point and we went over it last night.

I just feel so undervalued and pissed off at what has happened

Rejjie Sun 08-Jun-14 19:39:53

I am so sorry you've feeling so bad. Miscarriage is always difficult and it sounds as if you didn't have people to talk it through with.

Excuse me if I'm stepping out of line but I think anyone reading this would question what you're doing with this man. His insensitivity seems to know no bounds.

I would seek some counselling if I were you and think about whether you want to spend the rest of your life with a man who makes you feel shit about yourself.

Good luck.

bakingtins Sun 08-Jun-14 19:43:05

Having a MC forever taints what is for most people a very happy time. Your unpleasant experience of early pregnancy with DD when he was so unsupportive must compound that. I'm not surprised you are jealous of couples being happy and excited about a pregnancy when your experience has been so different.
The rest of it belongs in 'relationships' and I have no doubt you'd get the usual Mumsnet advice LTB I suppose he gets some credit for standing by his ex and his child, I would not have forgiven him for getting you pregnant at 16 then denying the relationship, or his behaviour over your pregnancy with DD. You undervalue yourself allowing him to treat you like that. Does he have redeeming features?

prawnypoos Sun 08-Jun-14 19:53:28

He's a great dad and he is usually the most loving partner.

Its just dragged up horrible memories that I thought I had blocked out. DP doesn't like to talk about it, presumably down to guilt (and the fact that he accused me of lying about the MC! I had doctors letters and scan appointments to verify though).

I didn't even want him to find out.

bakingtins Mon 09-Jun-14 06:26:53

Maybe you should go to counselling together then. It sounds like there is a lot of unresolved hurt surrounding those two pregnancies, it's going to keep resurfacing until it's dealt with. if you have a good relationship and a DD together then it's worth trying to sort it.

prawnypoos Mon 09-Jun-14 09:17:49

It's worth salvaging. We have a good relationship on the whole and he would do anything for DSD and DD.

He says things he doesn't mean in the heat of the moment as we all do. He can be quite nasty when he's revved up but I always know at the time that when he calms down he will be much more amicable and willing to see both sides of the story, its just the initial confrontation with him.

He is generally approachable about anything but regarding miscarriage and early pregnancy with DD he admits that he doesn't like to bring it up. I don't bring it up as a result but this is the problem, I bottle it up!

I remember at the time of the miscarriage feeling so mad and angry that everything was working out for him and he was off playing happy families and gushing to everyone ably how happy he was, whilst, on the other hand he had left my life in tatters and left me a shadow of my former self.

I look at DD now and feel so blessed to have such a beautiful, clever and loving little girl. She's 10 months old and wakes up every morning with a huge, beautiful smile on her face.

Thank god I put my foot down! I wonder if he ever looks at her and feels guilty for ever considering a termination. I know that I would

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