WIBU to tell her I cant be her bridesmaid 2 weeks before the wedding

(164 Posts)
ots Mon 02-Jun-14 23:22:54

It was the hardest thing ever to tell her. sad . One of my oldest friends is getting married in less than 2 weeks. She asked me about a year ago to be one of 6 bridesmaids and I was so excited.

We're not as close as we used to be, and only stay in touch via Facebook, and occasionally meet up. She doesn't have a mobile, and they dont answer their landline incase it is debt collectors!!

Anyway, I found out last wednesday that I had had a missed miscarriage. I was 8 weeks but baby died at 6 weeks. Had ERPC today to remove the pregnancy. We are devastated, and on top of the emotional pain I am bleeding, and likely to be for at least a week. My bridesmaid dress is tight, uncomfortable, and a pale colour.

I sent her a message on Facebook (as cant bloody ring her!) and told her I couldn't do it. Waiting for a reply and feeling very nervous. So... WIBU and WWYD?

TestingTestingWonTooFree Fri 06-Jun-14 07:08:49

Your friend's reaction sounds pretty poor, although largely due to the choice of "pissed off". If she hasn't shown any concern for your welfare, I'd be rethinking this friendship.

WiIdfire Thu 05-Jun-14 22:29:17

I think you have made the right decision here, as evidenced by her reaction to you. However, I would like to offer an alternative viewpoint for anyone else in a similar position.

I found out my pregnancy was failing two days before I was due to be bridesmaid at my best friends wedding. It was confirmed on the morning of the wedding. It never occurred to me not to go as I wanted her day to be really special and I had been looking forward to it for such a long time. It was a lovely ceremony and meant that what could have been the worst day of my life was instead filled with some happy memories along with the sad ones. It really helped me get through it, otherwise I would have just sat at home in tears.

Just saying don't automatically not go, it may help to go.

(I didn't think it fair to tell her what happened on her actual wedding day though, and am not looking forward to doing it when she gets back from honeymoon. I'm sure if I had though, that she would have reacted very differently from this case in the OP.)

IonaMumsnet (MNHQ) Thu 05-Jun-14 19:08:34

At the OP's request we are going to be moving this thread to the Miscarriage board shortly.

Sadjules Wed 04-Jun-14 16:44:22

YWDNBU.

But I do have to say in defense of your friend, if she's never been through it herself, then she likely doesn't have a clue what you're going through; she might think it's nothing more than a bad period and that you're being melodramatic, how could you possibly be that upset, you were barely pregnant etc etc, and now you're being totally selfish and ruining her Big Day.

I say this because when my friend got married a few years ago, her sister (best man's wife) was maid of honour and nearly pulled out a few weeks before as she was having a MC. The best man had been going to announce the pregnancy in his speech, which my friend (bride) and I had been bitching about as it was totally hijacking the wedding day, how dare she... and then for the sister to even consider pulling out due to a mere mc, how selfish of her...

Just shows how little we knew about MCs. I recently miscarried at 11 weeks so now I do know, and I am amazed in hindsight that the sister showed up, looked great, smiled lots, performed all her duties etc, a mere three weeks after a MC. Three weeks after mine, I was back at work but resenting it, emotions all over the place, crying at the least thing, and still bleeding heavily and in a fair amount of pain and discomfort. Not what you want to be bringing to someone's day of celebration. Maybe your friend needs that side of it pointed out to her.

Anyway, much thanks and hugs. Hope you are ok.

ots Wed 04-Jun-14 15:30:11

She said "I won't say I'm not really pissed off that you're not going to be a bridesmaid, but I do understand"

Thing is, I can understand her being disappointed, I really can. But if it was my wedding and 1 of my bridesmaids had a MC 2 weeks before, I would say "don't worry if you are not up to being a bridesmaid" as soon as they told me about their MC. I wouldn't wait for them to have to say it.

Lariflete Wed 04-Jun-14 15:23:48

Just adding some support - I had an early mc late 2012 and it was devastating. 9 month DS currently asleep on me, but I still think about the little baby who died.
I hope you are ok. Don't worry about your 'friend'.

diddl Wed 04-Jun-14 15:21:21

The point of the wedding is to get married.

Which will happen with or without the OP.

Of course the bride's entitled to feel pissed off/put out, but to convey that to OP is bloody horrible imo.

The thing is, when you are planning any kind of big event, whether that's a wedding, a birthday party or a stage performance, you have to be aware of the possibility that someone may be unable to come. People get ill. or have accidents. Sometimes, invited guests are inconsiderate enough to actually die just before the ever so important event.

If you are the one whose Big Day it is, it's not unreasonable to feel a bit put out that your chief performer/best mate/person doing the catering couldn't have managed to hold off on his/her bizarre gardening accident/kid's chickenpox/hideous family crisis necessitating three fire engines and five ambulances until after your event, but you just have to suck it up, wish them well and tell them not to worry about your stuff, concentrate on their own.

NoodleOodle Wed 04-Jun-14 14:54:42

What did your friend say she was pissed off with, pissed off with the shite that life can throw at us sometimes, or pissed off with your decision, or pissed off with??

I hope you've found more comfort from these messages than your 'friend'. People still manage to surprise me in how inconsiderate, selfish, and self-absorbed they can be. Do not worry about withdrawing from BM duties, you're doing what you need to do.

I'm truly sorry for your loss and wishing you comfort and support through your grief.

SpicyPear Wed 04-Jun-14 11:40:34

So sorry for your loss and that you friend has not supported you. If I was her, I would be devastated for you and completely understand you not wanting to or feeling able to go.

kali110 Wed 04-Jun-14 11:30:28

Op im so sorry for your loss.
There are some weird and utterly insensitive people on this thread, op take no notice.

ots Wed 04-Jun-14 10:56:37

Only just noticed these other responses.
Rebecca I care about her very much, I mentioned that we're not really close anymore, but I still really care about her, which is why I've been so worried waiting for her response. It was a really difficult thing for me to have told her I couldn't do it. You're right, who knows how I'll feel in 2 weeks time, I might be feeling fine. If I'm not though, what could I do? And what would you do? Just get on with it and do it anyway, even if you were in pain and bleeding heavily? Or would you let your friend down on the morning of her wedding, leaving her no time to find a replacement bridesmaid?

sunshine that sounds really tragic and I feel so sorry for your poor friend, and whatthe I'm so sorry for your loss. As I said I wasn't comparing an early MC with the loss of a live child, but doesn't mean that I'm not really hurting.

Thanks to all of you for lovely messages of support, I'm going to get this moved to the miscarriage board.

Ioethe Wed 04-Jun-14 10:34:47

Someone who would not understand and sympathis with my feelings in this situation is not someone I would want to stand alongside during a wedding, tbh.

You have done the right thing. Now concentrate on healing.

lljkk Wed 04-Jun-14 10:33:55

You are both going thru stressful & emotional experiences, OTS. I hope that you can salvage your friendship when all this settles down.

Madrigals Wed 04-Jun-14 10:22:34

Yes, it might be better to move this to the mc board - it may also give support/info to other people who have had mc and don't know what to do about social events they were intending to go to.

slithytove Wed 04-Jun-14 10:19:49

I've had a full term loss. It's only relevance to this thread is that I can understand a bit what OP and other posters are going through.

Therefore that is the only reason I'm including myself on this thread - to be as kind and supportive as I can. There is no need to compare losses, and if I felt that need, it would not be appropriate for me to post here.

OP, still thinking of you, again, you did the right thing regarding the wedding.

Perhaps request a thread move, as Aibu brings out the worst in some people despite the sensitivity of the topic thanks

springbabydays Wed 04-Jun-14 10:17:09

OP as we get older and our lives and priorities change, our friendships sometimes change too. It can take something like this to make it clear when a particular friendship has run its course.

Madrigals Wed 04-Jun-14 09:58:57

I agree thanks thanks

Only1scoop Wed 04-Jun-14 09:50:49

Hear hear thanks

Meeeep Wed 04-Jun-14 09:50:28

OP keep posting as a when you need a bit of extra support. Ignore the posters who are being insensitive. There are many women on this thread who will be on hand to support you any time you need. thanks

Universal Wed 04-Jun-14 09:48:57

I posted before the if read the last few posts. You've got enough going on without people being silly on here. You just take care of yourself and your family. Until I had a mc I didn't realise the pain it caused and how hard it was to get through physically and emotionally. Channel all your energy into getting through each day and make yourself your no 1 priority. I'll not post anymore but will be thinking about you over the coming days and weeks.

OnlyLovers Wed 04-Jun-14 09:46:00

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Meeeep Wed 04-Jun-14 09:45:48

I have never once said that losing a child once they are born is the same as having a miscarriage but she still lost a child/baby. I lost my baby, a hell of alot of women on this thread have lost babies.

You are the one who has drawn a comparison between losing a child through miscarriage and losing a child through other circumstances.

The circumstances are different, the grief is different but don't minimise the effect of losing a child to miscarriage either. Fuck off off the fucking thread if you don't like it. This is not the place for a bun fight or insensitive posts minimising miscarriage and how much it can devastate the parents.

Madrigals Wed 04-Jun-14 09:45:09

Rebecca, no one needs 3 pairs of bm - I have been to weddings with 5 bm and it looked just fine. There is no real need for her to 'replace' ots.

Everyone would have sympathised with the bride, including ots I am sure, if she had been kinder. It is very difficult when people get ill but there is a pleasant way to respond and this is not it.

My DS was supposed to be a in a page boy type role for my DSis but he got a contagious illness just before the wedding. I was very apologetic to my DSis and sorry that she wouldn't have him on her photos, but all she was bothered about was whether he was ok and how his temp was doing.

Universal Wed 04-Jun-14 09:42:20

I'm sorry for your loss. You've had so much good advice on here there is very little I can add. I would say that weddings do strange things to brides and I know I was pretty self absorbed in hindsight. If this friend is a good friend to you and brings joy and laughter to your life then she'll see sense at some point and apologise. Keep the door open for her and I hope post wedding she sees how truly lovely you are (you come across as someone I'd want in my friendship group) and apologises for her actions.

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