WIBU to tell her I cant be her bridesmaid 2 weeks before the wedding

(164 Posts)
ots Mon 02-Jun-14 23:22:54

It was the hardest thing ever to tell her. sad . One of my oldest friends is getting married in less than 2 weeks. She asked me about a year ago to be one of 6 bridesmaids and I was so excited.

We're not as close as we used to be, and only stay in touch via Facebook, and occasionally meet up. She doesn't have a mobile, and they dont answer their landline incase it is debt collectors!!

Anyway, I found out last wednesday that I had had a missed miscarriage. I was 8 weeks but baby died at 6 weeks. Had ERPC today to remove the pregnancy. We are devastated, and on top of the emotional pain I am bleeding, and likely to be for at least a week. My bridesmaid dress is tight, uncomfortable, and a pale colour.

I sent her a message on Facebook (as cant bloody ring her!) and told her I couldn't do it. Waiting for a reply and feeling very nervous. So... WIBU and WWYD?

ots Tue 03-Jun-14 07:55:11

Sorry not sure how I reposted the same post confused

diddl Tue 03-Jun-14 07:59:39

Of course yanbu.

You don't think you'll be able to do it & that's that!

And prisoner-don't you dare go!

Mrsjayy Tue 03-Jun-14 08:00:55

Oh lovey im sorry for your loss just tell her you cant do it

ots Tue 03-Jun-14 08:01:05

Also, when I told her last Wednesday about my mmc, she of course was really sad for me, but then followed itup with "at least you weweren't further along" as if that means it hurts any less! And then "there was probably something wrong with it so its better this way" again, that in no way helps us! angry

diddl Tue 03-Jun-14 08:03:37

Oh I'm afraid I wouldn't be bothering at all then.

I thought that that was the sort of patronising crap that only my GPs generation & possibly my parents would have come out with.
(I'm 50)

ots Tue 03-Jun-14 08:04:29

Oh and, I had told her I was going into hospital yesterday for ERPC, she knew how worried I was about it, yet didnt wish me luck before, didn't message to say she's thinking about me, and hasn't asked how it went since. I know she's got a lot on her mind with the wedding, but how many minutes does it take to let someone close to you know that you are thinking of them!

Mrsjayy Tue 03-Jun-14 08:10:17

Oh god why do people think its ok to say that I wouldn't do it if I wasnt up to it just tell her you cant manage she will probably be huffy about it but thats not your problem

Hoppinggreen Tue 03-Jun-14 08:12:02

Something similar happened to me but i wasn't a bridesmaid.
I was put under pressure to go and I did but it was a very bad choice, especially since the Bride was pg and the vicar talked about how babies complete families etc!
I got through the ceremony and went for the meal, where as soon as I walked in someone I hardly knew came and congratulated me on my pregnancy ( DH's Aunt had decided to tell her friend and then forgot to tell her that I was no longer pregnant)
We left shortly after the meal but it was probably one of the hardest days of my life.
Look after yourself and do what's right for you - I'm aftaid that unless The Bride has been through a mc she is unlikely to understand.

Tinkerball Tue 03-Jun-14 08:18:14

Prisoner what does your DP say about it?

OP It sounds like you are preparing yourself for her being pissed off, if so please dont take it to heart. It all sounds for show anyway.

MrsMaturin Tue 03-Jun-14 08:22:34

OP - from what you say about the bride I think she is going to be pissed off about this. She just doesn't sound like she has the sensitivity to remember it's NOT all about her.
I wouldn't go to the wedding at all tbh. I don't think it will be helpful to you.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Tue 03-Jun-14 08:34:31

Oh you poor love thanks

Just tell her, anyone decent will understand completely and if she doesn't well, stuff her!

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Tue 03-Jun-14 08:35:35

You could tell her 'the consultant told me I have to rest' if you think she will try and pressure you.

ots Tue 03-Jun-14 08:35:44

That's what DH says Mrs, he thinks we should stay away from the whole thing. But they don't really get on anyway, mainly due to her letting me down many times in the past. I just feel sad if it comes to that, we were so so close. She was my bridesmaid (back when we were close), we've been on holiday together twice as teenagers, and she even lived with me and my parents for a while when her parents split up.

We started to drift apart when we had children, I'm not sure why to be honest. But still stayed in touch things just haven't been the same.

I think she will be pissed off, judging by how she acted when I didn't go to her hen night. I hope she will understand but if not this will definitely be the end of our friendship sad

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Tue 03-Jun-14 08:36:03

I wouldn't go at all.

meditrina Tue 03-Jun-14 08:51:03

You might want to think about whether you attend at all. Because people will notice if you are there and not a bridesmaid, and that might lead to conversations you'd rather not face.

I hope it goes as easily as it can for you thanks

Gileswithachainsaw Tue 03-Jun-14 08:58:04

Just forget about her and the wedding. Don't give any of it a second thought!! Focus on rest and recovery and coming to terms with your loss.

Big deal , five BMs instead of six. Not.

Look after yourself and take all the time you need. Forget about people demanding anything from you! So very sorry for your loss thanks

And prisoner don't even think about going either. Your MIL is a vile human being. thanks for you to.

Truly sorry about your baby.

pianodoodle Tue 03-Jun-14 09:17:38

I think I would have made the decision not to go after she didn't speak to you for not being able to do the hen night.

She sounds very self absorbed so if you do get a frosty response don't feel guilty.

Hope you have lots of rest and support x

AllAboveBroad Tue 03-Jun-14 09:17:56

So sorry for you OP. I would send the bride and groom to be some flowers and a note explaining you are withdrawing completely due to medical advice but that you wish them well etc. It's a little more personal than facebook was and such a kind gesture from you might bring the bride over herself. I think most brides get tunnel vision before a wedding so her judgement may be off too. Xx

Madrigals Tue 03-Jun-14 09:21:00

I've also had a mmc and those awful crass comments are so typical of things people said to me sad

I am so sorry you lost your baby, ots and want to send you some thanks and best wishes for a smooth recovery from the ERPC. IME a lot of people just don't realise how major an ERPC is and it took me ten days just to recover from the anaesthetic.

I think your DH is right - you should miss the wedding and just message her a day before saying you are so sorry but you are still needing heavily and feeling very nauseous so you won't be able to come, sorry and all the best for her big day.

Madrigals Tue 03-Jun-14 09:24:01

I think the pp suggestion to say 'in medical advice' as you've been asked to have bed rest is a very good one.

Btw I had a friend whose hen night I couldn't go to due to ms and she couldn't have been kinder about it. Very selfish of your friend to be miffed.

Meeeep Tue 03-Jun-14 09:25:24

First off sorry for your loss. It's a terrible experience to have and unfortunately people who have not suffered do not think about what is coming out their mouths and how rude and hurtful it can be. I received some of the same comments when I found out at 12 weeks my first baby had died 6. Try not to let the comments get to you a lot of the time it is peoples extremely clumsy and misguided attempt at comfort.

If your friend doesn't understand why you don't want to be bridesmaid quite honestly she's a friend not worth bothering about.

thanks

UsedtobeFeckless Tue 03-Jun-14 09:30:10

So sorry.

My second pregnancy ended at 9 weeks and I only found out at the scan that the baby was dead. It was a horrible time.

Don't go to the wedding. If the bride doesn't understand and gets the hump then she's an insensative git and you're better off without her cluttering up your life. You need to take care of yourself now and a proper friend will absolutely understand that.

Good luck.

PomeralLights Tue 03-Jun-14 09:39:23

Of course YADNBU. You poor thing, it is a terrible thing to happen at any stage.
If she hasn't been through a miscarriage she may honestly not know / understand that it's possible to bleed for so long. I certainly wouldn't have had any idea when I got married. Obvs you don't have to explain your symptoms in detail to her hut it might help her understand if you specifically point out you WILL (don't bother with might) be bleeding heavily in a pale coloured dress, so apart from anything else, you don't want to ruin her pictures.
I know that sounds like I'm being heartless to your suffering but all the girls I've known who've been 2 weeks from a wedding haven't been able to properly absorb anything happening to the people around them.

I'm sure she will be a bit put out not having three matching pairs, but equally she will find a way around it. You shouldn't feel under pressure at this difficult time and you'll probably find that by the time the wedding was a month ago she'll be much more reasonable about the whole thing. It's just a shame she won't be there for you as a friend right now sad I hope you have other close friends who aren't involved in the wedding who can be there for you

NorksEnormous Tue 03-Jun-14 09:52:28

Yanbu at all, do what's best for you. Personally I wouldn't even go to the service. I have had a miscarriage and the amount of times I was told 'maybe it's for the best' afterwards was shocking- people are so insensitive!

AllAboveBroad Tue 03-Jun-14 10:02:05

And to be honest OP I bet only the bride would even notice her bridesmaids don't "pair". All the little details she is obsessed with now will most likely be missed on the day by most people!

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