WIBU to tell her I cant be her bridesmaid 2 weeks before the wedding

(164 Posts)
ots Mon 02-Jun-14 23:22:54

It was the hardest thing ever to tell her. sad . One of my oldest friends is getting married in less than 2 weeks. She asked me about a year ago to be one of 6 bridesmaids and I was so excited.

We're not as close as we used to be, and only stay in touch via Facebook, and occasionally meet up. She doesn't have a mobile, and they dont answer their landline incase it is debt collectors!!

Anyway, I found out last wednesday that I had had a missed miscarriage. I was 8 weeks but baby died at 6 weeks. Had ERPC today to remove the pregnancy. We are devastated, and on top of the emotional pain I am bleeding, and likely to be for at least a week. My bridesmaid dress is tight, uncomfortable, and a pale colour.

I sent her a message on Facebook (as cant bloody ring her!) and told her I couldn't do it. Waiting for a reply and feeling very nervous. So... WIBU and WWYD?

wafflyversatile Mon 02-Jun-14 23:24:49

Sorry for your loss. Of course you are not unreasonable. Even if she was your bf or sister it would not be unreasonable.

I hope she is understanding.

Famzilla Mon 02-Jun-14 23:27:28

I am so sorry about your MC. Any decent person would never expect you to be a bridesmaid or even attend the wedding at such a horrible time. Sending some big unmumsnetty hugs to you.

No, not unreasonable at all. Sorry for your loss. If your friend is unsympathetic then she is a twat.

AlpacaYourThings Mon 02-Jun-14 23:33:59

So sorry for your loss. I had a MC in April, there is no way I could have faced being a bridesmaid. YADNBU.

BlackeyedSusan Mon 02-Jun-14 23:34:38

sorry for your loss. not unreasonable. shame you had to use facebook, but as that was the only way...

thanks

gimcrack Mon 02-Jun-14 23:35:12

Not at all unreasonable. You need to rest, relax and spend time with your partner.

You cannot be someone's bridesmaid if there's a possibility you may still
be bleeding from a miscarriage on the day. That is a practical point and she would need to be nuts to take issue with this.

As per above, you'd be perfectly entitled to give the whole thing a miss if you don't feel up to it. I hope your friend is reasonable. thanks

LittleprincessinGOLDrocks Mon 02-Jun-14 23:37:13

So sorry for your loss. It is understandable that you don't feel up to it, and not at all unreasonable of you to resign your duties.
Please be kind to yourself, you need to just concentrate on you and your DH right now.
Take care ((hugs)) x

Why on earth are they having a big, presumably costly, wedding (six bms?) if they are hiding from debt collectors?

I am very sorry for your loss. I hope your friend has a more reasonable attitude to you than she does to other people's money.

Beavie Mon 02-Jun-14 23:40:59

Yanbu, I had a mc in October, I bled for a month and was exhausted and drained the whole time, and then was ill for the next 6 months with every lurgy going, it completely took it out of me.

You need to rest as much as you can. Sorry for your loss.

ots Mon 02-Jun-14 23:50:25

Thanks for opinions. I didn't think I was BU but judgement is all over the place at the moment. She didn't speak to me for a few days after I didn't go to her hen weekend (2 hours on a train from where we live!) as I had horrendous morning sickness that lasted all day, which is why I'm a bit nervous about this.

Thanks for the well wishes everyone, its very hard but taking each day at a time. Luckily we've got our perfect 3 year old DS to keep us smiling.

Eleanor don't even get me started on this!! And yes, hugely expensive wedding in a fancy barn conversion. I do believe most has been paid for with credit cards angry

ThePrisonerOfAzkaban Mon 02-Jun-14 23:51:10

I could of wrote this myself, I just lost my baby at 24+4 weeks, but mil is still making me be bridesmaid to dp sisters wedding. Really don't want to do it, mil has been so awful not letting family members see me etc so the first time I'm going is on the wedding day, I just know they are going to mention the baby and of course I'll get upset, but she doesn't care one jot

ots Mon 02-Jun-14 23:54:26

So sorry for your loss prisoner. Just don't go! She can't force you xx

TwoAndTwoEqualsChaos Mon 02-Jun-14 23:54:37

Prisoner do you live with your MiL, is that why she has stopped people seeing you? I've been there (with a later loss) and the first time you see people is often excactly as you describe.

TwoAndTwoEqualsChaos Mon 02-Jun-14 23:56:42

Sorry, ots, wasn't trying to hijack. You have been through a lot, both physically and emtionally and YDWNBU not to go through with being a BM.

ThePrisonerOfAzkaban Tue 03-Jun-14 00:05:15

Sorry really didn't mean to hijack, just hit a nerve. Mil pretty much runs the family, everything goes though her, even things like aunts/cousins etc we have just recently moved so family have been asking her for our address to drop off flowers cards or just to pop in, she turned round saying that SHE doesn't want anything like that happening and told them all no. With me being bridesmaid she is putting great pressure on my DP who just isn't with it just yet, he's grieving and she's going on at him.

OTS Don't go, really just look after yourself ((hugs))

ots Tue 03-Jun-14 07:34:25

Thanks, I want to go to the service if I feel up to it! But I know I can't go through with being a bridesmaid. I'm worried she'll be angry as there are 6 of us, but 3 pairs of matching dresses if that makes sense, so the 5th bm will now look odd! Unless she can find a stand in in my size! Oh well! As I say, we're not really close anymore, and to be honest, this is the last thing on my mind at the moment.

Only1scoop Tue 03-Jun-14 07:41:36

Yanbu....sounds like you are all for show bridesmaids anyway if that makes sense.... as you don't seem to be in touch much. Also if she was a true friend you wouldn't even be posting or worrying about it because she WOULD understand without question.

I'm so sorry for your loss thanks

Only1scoop Tue 03-Jun-14 07:43:19

Prisoner that's disgusting behaviour on your Mil part....surely the bride would understand full stop.

I'm so so sorry.

ThinkIveBeenHacked Tue 03-Jun-14 07:43:50

Even if you were extremely close, you should not be expected to go and be BM so soon after a MC.

I had a MNC at eleven weeks and whilst emotionally I started to reciver after a week, I was in physical pain forat least three - heat pads on all day, alternating p'cetmol and brufen as well as hot water bottles on my aching legs.

Look after yourself. Make the ceremony if you can, but dont think on it if you cant. Hope you feel ok soon x

Booboostoo Tue 03-Jun-14 07:44:15

Of course YANBU. I am very sorry for your loss, take care of yourself.

Oh prisoner I am so sorry to hear this. Sounds like you are having a truly awful time. Perhaps your DH has to stand up to his DM and not back down even if she strops.

5madthings Tue 03-Jun-14 07:44:24

Yanbu and prisoner I cannot believe your mil, what a vile woman. Do not be bridesmaid if you don't want to!

Only1scoop Tue 03-Jun-14 07:46:38

I can't believe how some people are so worried about show and pomp ....they would expect a bereaved mother to shut up and put up. I'm so angry on your behalf prisoner....I know your Dh is grieving but he needs to back you up here!

ots Tue 03-Jun-14 07:53:17

Thanks, I want to go to the service if I feel up to it! But I know I can't go through with being a bridesmaid. I'm worried she'll be angry as there are 6 of us, but 3 pairs of matching dresses if that makes sense, so the 5th bm will now look odd! Unless she can find a stand in in my size! Oh well! As I say, we're not really close anymore, and to be honest, this is the last thing on my mind at the moment.

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