Missed MC at 20 week scan

[SpanielFace]

I had my 20 week scan today, although I'm actually 21+1, and there was no heartbeat. The baby is measuring 16 weeks so has been dead for some time. We're devastated, we have a 21 month old DS but this was a much wanted 2nd pregnancy. I've been worried that something was wrong - my bump felt softer than last time, I've been feeling really well since 14 weeks which was not the case last time, then I've had a tiny bit of spotting after sex this weekend, but had convinced myself it was nothing and just usual pregnancy jitters.

I have to go in tomorrow for a tablet, then on Friday for induction with pessaries. I just wondered, has anyone else been through this? I'm worried about the pain (I had a CS last time as DS was breech so nothing to compare with) - the thought of painful labour & no baby at the end is awful. Will I be able to see the baby? Should I, if it died 5 weeks ago? Will it even look like a baby, or will it upset me more? What happens to the baby afterwards? - I hate the thought of them being treated as clinical waste when they were a real little person, if only for a few months.

I'm feeling quite numb at the moment, just want the next few days to be over so we can start to come to terms with what happened. Obviously don't know the baby's sex, but somehow I had it in my head that it was a girl, and if it was we were going to call her Lucy. I'd started to picture a little female version of DS, and can't get my head around the fact that she (or he) has been dead inside me for over a month. :-(

[Only1scoop]

Oh Spaniel I am so very sorry to hear your devastating news.

I went through a MMC at 18 wks. baby had died around 16 to 17 weeks so about the same gestational period. Like you I had never laboured.... had dd by elective section and was petrified.

The bereavement midwives were amazing and can offer a wide range if pain relief.

We chose to spend time with our tiny boy and we found that comforting.

We had a little local private cremation just the two of us.

Right now you just need to get through this difficult time. I will be thinking of you.

Please pm me anytime.

[SpanielFace]

Thanks for the reply, that's really reassuring.

I'm lying in bed but can't sleep. DH has fallen asleep, I think he's exhausted from looking after me as much as the loss he's also experienced. I've been to watch DS sleeping. I just can't stop imagining the baby dead inside me and that's such a horrible thought. Last night we were talking about finding out the sex, so hard to get my head around it.

[SpanielFace]

Sorry to keep posting, it's helping me to write it down. I've managed about an hours sleep, but have woken with strong period type cramps. No bleeding, not yet anyway. I had a tiny bit of this on Sunday, but then it stopped - I was just planning on mentioning to MW. They are not strong enough to need any painkillers other than paracetamol, but something is obviously starting even though I've not had the tablet yet.

I'm worrying about telling everyone. So many people know I am/was pregnant - not just friends and family but clients at work, my hairdresser, random mums at toddler group etc - I put it on Facebook after the 12 week scan, as you do. I'm dreading the questions.

[Roshbegosh]

So sorry to hear this OP, what devastating news for you and DH.
If people ask could you just say that you lost the baby and don't want to talk about it? Most people will respect that but you might sadly get some distant acquaintances falling over you in tears.
You could ask the MW what will happen but I believe they might be able to take footprints for you to frame. Just to warn you, they may ask to do a post mortem to find out what happened. You could ask to see the chaplain and discuss some kind of service, they offer multi faith support.
If it helps you to post then post. You could also contact SANDS, a charity, for support. It is and will be an utterly grisly time for you so do reach out.

[springbabydays]

So very sorry for you spaniel and wishing you strength for the days, weeks and months ahead.

Try not to spend time worrying about telling the people in your life, it is the last thing they would want. Concentrate on your own grief for now, and that of your DH, and think about everyone else later. I hope you have got some time off to process everything.

for you, and also for you scoop

[CanISayOfHerFace]

Just wanted to say I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I had something horrible happen to me recently which would have caused a lot of questions in the office. I told my boss and whilst I was off he called my colleagues into a meeting room, explained the situation and said I didn't want to discuss it and please could everyone treat me as they always did. Everyone did exactly that and it made work much easier.... Like an escape even. Do you have someone at work who could do this for you?

Sending love and hugs x

[DippyEggNSolders]

Sorry to hear spaniel

Worrying about other peoples reactions is normal; nice people will respect your privacy. Is it worth removing yourself from Facebook for a while? Perhaps speak to a close friend about what's happened and she could filter the miscarriage to other mums etc so you haven't got to worry about physically telling people / seeing reactions?

I understand you are able to see your baby and take pictures etc, only if you want to. The midwives are amazing during this type of labour and should provide you with whatever you need. Don't think anything is silly to request.

I hope you've managed to get some more sleep. Give your DS a big cuddle when you wake up

[Greyhound]

So very sorry.

I remember returning to work after a miscarriage and it was hard but I coped. The only really bad moment was when a lady asked me how my pregnancy was going. She was with a group of her friends and I didn't feel I could tell her I had lost the baby at that point. Later on, I got her on her own and told her.

Most people were kind to me, others just didn't mention it.

[SpanielFace]

Thanks for the replies.

I'm up now, seemed pointless staying in bed as I've been awake since 4am, and thought I'd be more comfortable moving around. This is feeling more like proper contractions now - whole bump tightening every 5 mins or so, and painful although still mild really. I did go into labour with DS as they didn't discover he was breech until I was about 4 cm dilated, then I had CS at that point. I just keep thinking about how it started with DS, and how I was a tiny bit terrified but mostly just so excited to be meeting him, and how DH cried when he was born... Going to be so different this time. I hope the fact I've clearly started naturally means that it will all be over before Friday, I just want it to be over now.

DH called my boss yesterday to let him know, as I'm obviously off work. I'm going to send him a text and ask him to let all the staff know, and that I don't want to talk about it yet - it's a small business, there are only 12 of us, so easy enough to tell them all. There are a couple of them that are "drama vultures" if that doesn't sound too harsh, and I know they will all be talking about it, so I'd rather it was all discussed before if go back. I only work 2 days a week so won't see them until the middle of next week anyway.

I think I'll ask my sister to tell friends locally, and my mum to tell extended family, and then I'll send a private Facebook group message to anyone else who matters and screw the rest of them. I think "leaving" Facebook for a while might be a good idea, thanks to whoever suggested that.

Does anyone know, is my milk likely to come in? I hope I'm too early, I think I'd find that really hard to cope with - I fed DS and loved it, I can all too clearly imagine curling up and feeding this baby. I don't like to buy baby things to early, it's always felt like bad luck, but we'd just bought a bedside co-sleeper crib from a friend who was selling hers for a bargain price, as it was too good an opportunity to miss. It's in pieces in the corner of the room, not yet built... I'm just trying not to look at it.

[Only1scoop]

Spaniel it looks as if nature is taking its course are you going to go straight to hospital now?

I'm not on facebook so i didn't have that to worry about. I just text very few close friends to let them know what was happening.

Following delivery they gave me a tablet to suppress milk so that was one thing less to worry about.

Spaniel I will say that it did take me a few months to get back to work. It's a different healing process for all mothers that go through this, but I would urge you to be kind to yourself and not put yourself under any pressure.

I'm thinking of you and your family.

[SpanielFace]

Thanks scoop. I rang the hospital
and they just said to come in at 11 as planned. I've packed some stuff, my mum is on her way over to look after DS, and I've also packed him an overnight bag just in case.

Thanks for the advice about work. It's really hard to know how I'm going to be - in the past, when there's been bad news, I've found it better to be at work and keep busy, but all of those times have been less personal, and not affected me physically.

At the moment I keep going in circles - one minute I think I'm ok, and that I'll be fine. Then the next I'm in tears, with no warning. I'm still slowly contracting, but keeping busy is helping. No bleeding yet.

[Universal]

I just wanted to say I'm so sorry you have lost your baby. I'll be thinking about you and your family today xx

[DippyEggNSolders]

I went back to sleep after I posted and just come back on after nursery drop off to see how you are; sorry you are going through this.

I would consider getting signed off work for a couple of weeks, returning next week might be a bit soon. By then the "drama vultures" will have had their little chats and it wll have calmed down.

Could you DP take you away for a few days next week? Perhaps a little break to a b&b or the seaside, somewhere to recoup, reflect, cry and plan?

The next few days will be difficult, perhaps going away will help you. Text your mum or sister and ask them to move the side crib somewhere else, to deal with it at another time.

Thinking of you today spaniel.

[fuckinglondonballs]

So sorry to hear this Spaniel. You must be devastated.

I have a friend who lost her baby. After she'd had the baby she sent a simple text saying something like 'Our darling baby daughter has died peacefully. We are of course deeply saddened and just need to be together as a family at the moment. We may have a private family just for us. We will be in touch soon.' I'm sure she was in bits writing it but it explained what had happened and answered all of the questions and said she wanted privacy. Perhaps you could say something similar?

She had initially said she didn't want to see the baby, but later changed her mind so you don't need to make any decisions now. She said the midwives took the baby's foot prints and whatnot and I know now she's really pleased they did.

Thinking of you OP.

[fuckinglondonballs]

Sorry, I meant private funeral below.

[slithytove]

Hi spaniel

I am so sorry for your loss.

I would advise turning to the sands forum where you will find many women who have been through this and will be able to comfort and advise you.

I would hold and name your wee baby, just because they are early and asleep, doesn't mean they are any less loved or wanted. I would also consider getting some tiny baby clothes so he/she is dressed. Take photos if you want, foot prints etc. the midwife will help you.

Little things (Facebook group) deal with tiny angel clothes specifically. It is very comforting and I can link if needed.

I hope the next few days pass gently for you xxx

[ShoeWhore]

Spaniel I'm really so sorry to hear that you have list your baby.

Do be kind to yourself and don't feel you need to rush back to work until you are ready. Perhaps give yourself a few days before you make any firm decisions on that and see how you feel once the initial shock wears off.

Do take care

[slithytove]

And yes, I would consider a cremation to say goodbye. You can keep their ashes in their memory box if it offers comfort.

[ShoeWhore]

So sorry for the silly typo. It should of course say lost not list.

[slithytove]

They can give you a pill to prevent your milk.

Also, take all your sick leave, you might also get bereavement leave. Don't worry about work at this time.

[SpanielFace]

Thanks everyone.

We've had a long chat with the nurse and doctor, who were lovely & really helpful with all of our questions. I'm going to wait until it's over to make a decision on looking at the baby, and a cremation.

This is horrible and sorry if it upsets anyone, but I'm so worried that after being dead for 5 weeks inside me, that it may not look recognisable as a baby, or look decayed... I've no idea if that's the case, but 5 weeks just seems such a long time to be dead without starting to decay, I can't stop having morbid thoughts of dead bodies in water (not that I have experience of that but it's in film sometimes). Sorry if that upsets anyone, it's upsetting me. They said the nurse could guide me through it when it happens, so I'm going to wait and see and be guided by them. If it just looks like a little sleeping baby, I would definitely want to see it and hold it, but if not... I don't know. The whole thing is just hideously awful. Poor, poor little thing. Just keep thinking "why us? Why our baby?" He/she was supposed to be another funny little monkey with mad curly hair and big blue eyes and their Daddy's massive smile, like DS, not this.

I've taken the tablet and been back to bed for the afternoon while my mum watched DS. I feel better for some more sleep. Still cramping and spotting, but no more than over night. Hoping that it doesn't take too long.

[jnl0612]

I had a mmc at at 16 weeks and I chose not to see my baby
It was the biggest mistake I've ever made
I think about him/her all the time and wish id have chosen to see him/her and have a proper cremation or something.
Really sorry for your loss it's awful

[springbabydays]

Oh sweetheart. Your thoughts are understandable and if it helps to get them out on here then please continue to do so. Would it also help to think that although your dear little one has sadly not survived, the two of you have stayed as close as it's possible to be through these past weeks?

I'm sure taking guidance from your nurse is the best thing to do. You will make the right decision for you, of that I have no doubt.

[resipsa]

I have no words to comfort you but wanted to say that I hope it happens soon for you and with as little pain as possible. It is heartbreaking for you, DH and DC. I am so sorry.