Moving on...

(8 Posts)
ToastieWarm Wed 21-May-14 12:49:42

I don't know how quite to be begin this but I feel I must write this as a form of therapy and my way of saying goodbye.

Up until Wednesday last week I was on cloud nine. I wonderful husband, a gorgeous 3 year old DD and just hit that 12 week "safe zone". There was nothing to tell me otherwise, I'd started to feel better but just put that down to getting closer to the 2nd trimester. That day I noticed a teeny spot of blood, I wasn't going to panic, no reason to, women bleed all the time and it was nothing. The next morning however I woke up with a start and found that I had been bleeding. I spoke to the midwife who advised to rest and wait for my scheduled scan later that day and sought comfort with my friend who had bled in all 3 of her pregnancies (and was ok) and convinced myself that this could be ok. Yes there were tears but even whilst waiting for my scan my Husband and I talked about our family's future.

I then had the scan and the sonographer said those dreaded words "no heartbeat". I had had a missed miscarriage and the baby had stopped growing 4 weeks earlier at 8+1. Devastated is not the word. They were so good at the hospital, the midwife gave me hug and let me have a picture from the scan (in a strange way I am blessed to have had a missed miscarriage otherwise I would not have got this picture). I then had to go and collect my DD and pretend that everything was ok, luckily I didn't tell her she was going to become a big sister, I am a very cautious person and wanted to make sure everything was ok first.

The next day was back to the hospital, they booked me in for a ERPC for the following Tuesday (yesterday), but said nature could take it's course. Obviously it had but I just didn't realise it. I tried to carry on as normal for the sake of our DD, but when you find yourself bleeding in a public place, you suddenly realise it is not possible. DD was then carted off to my Mum's, she didn't need to see what I was going through, nor could I be a Mum to her at the moment in time. Over the next 24 hours my miscarriage happened, it was heartbreaking to know I was flushing my baby down the toilet. I dread to think how hard it can be though, I feel that I got of lightly in terms of physical distress. So because of this I no longer required surgery and now I feel I have to move on.

The trouble is I don't know how. I have taken this week off work to adjust, but I don't think I can come to terms I have lost my baby. I have lost my baby, I have lost my baby, I have lost my baby, oh God that hurts so much. Yes each day is getting easier, but in some ways I am scared of the pain going away, this pain reminds me my baby was real, I can't ever forget them.

Hearing myself this seems so over the top, I never understood how women felt after a miscarriage, especially early ones, I would say the old clique "it wasn't meant to be" etc. I never realised in the little time you are pregnant you plan a future with them, they are already part of your family. I have so many friends/family that this has happened to and I feel their pain, I feel your pain too.

But this is it, time to say Goodbye, move on and live life. I have the most amazing family already, I have great friends and need to let myself be happy. Yes I will get sad with pregnancy announcements and morn my loss on their EDD, but I can celebrate the few weeks they were growing in my belly.

Thank you for taking your time to read this and if you too have suffered a loss big hugs xxxx

Celestria Wed 21-May-14 12:59:57

I'm so sorry you lost your baby. My heart hurts for you sad I lost a baby at eight weeks too, back in 2009. It was a shock as we had three already and the first few weeks I convinced myself I wouldn't cope. But then we spoke and decided to have the baby. I was sooo excited for two more weeks. And then I started to bleed. After going through so much already about having it, I was desperate to keep it. I miscarried nine days later on my daughters birthday. I buried the sac in my garden and planted sunflowers.

5 years on, I have a special pendant I bought. It has a real mini sunflower in it. I have photos of my pregnancy stick but never made it to have a scan photo. Every year on my daughters birthday I feel sad for the baby I lost, but these little tributes make me feel better. You never ever forget. But it does get easier. I felt pregnant two months later on purpose this time and had my fourth dc. Sometimes I like to think he is the one I lost, just went away for a few months. Daft I know. Big hugs to you, be kind to yourself.

I went to a spiritualist church once. The medium picked me and told me I had lost two babies which is true. And that when I go so cold on one side of my body, it's my babies that I lost, hugging me as children in heaven. It's a nice thought. thanks

WibWoo Wed 21-May-14 14:49:26

ToastieWarm I'm so sorry you are feeling the depth of pain that comes with loosing a much loved baby.
Your post had me crying for the baby I lost almost a year ago, something I haven't done in quite a while. So much of our stories are similar but most significantly the despair, shock and disbelief... "I lost my baby". It is truly overwhelming and I remember being hit in waves of physically painful grief. I too posted here and received the brilliant advice to give yourself all the time you need and let yourself feel whatever you need to. Simple but so important. I had times of feeling happy and relatively 'normal' in the weeks following and then times months later where the pain felt as bad as the day of the loss. Accepting the roller coaster has helped the healing.
You sound like a very loving mother who appreciates all the wonderful things in your world including this little life. Thinking of you.

JBrd Wed 21-May-14 16:47:43

I am so sorry about your loss, sending big hugs. It is a heartbreak that no one really understands, unless they have been through it themselves.

Don't feel that you need to 'get over it'. Because you probably never will. You have lost your baby, and this loss is as real and as cruel as any other, and it will remain with you. You need time to grieve for your baby, time to adjust to all the changes that will now happen, time to come to terms and accept, time to learn how to live with it.

Taking one day at a time has really helped me in the past. Just getting by. Go with the flow and see how you feel on each day - whether you want to throw yourself into a project (gardening is very therapeutic, or baking!), or just sit on the sofa and watch any TV (I watched the whole season of Veronica Mars in about 3 days after my first mc), if you feel like it, do it. Even work can sometimes help - being really focussed on something and getting stuck in.
Be selfish and put yourself first, accept all offers of help from family and friends.
Talk about your feelings - if there are friends or family members who have gone through the same, you will most likely find very willing ears to share your story and someone to cry with. It helps.

It can sometimes help to do something to acknowledge your loss - for example, I have planted a rose in my garden, and I have bought an angel wing charm for my bracelet in memory of the babies I have lost. There are many little things that can help you.

And I promise you, it will get better. EDDs are hard, as are people around you being pg and having babies. But it will get better - just remember, one day at a time.

jbee1979 Wed 21-May-14 22:17:05

I'm so sorry for your loss. I felt like I could have written some of that. Very well put.

Today was the hospital funeral service for my baby (and other babies) that they arranged after my MMC 3rd March and ERPC on 7th March. I didn't go, I'm really clinging on to the "moving on" theme today.

I don't think it would have added anything to our circumstances or feelings at the moment.

We'll remember in our own ways and do what we need to when we need to :-)

Thank you for posting :-)

Tranquilitybaby Thu 22-May-14 00:20:16

Oh your post is heart wrenching, so sorry for your loss. I wasn't as far along as you, I suffered an ectopic pregnancy at 6 + 1 weeks, nearly 4 weeks ago. Two weeks ago all I did was cry and didn't want to leave the house, but two weeks later, although I still have a cry pretty much every day, I'm starting to feel a bit stronger and the pain is slightly eased at times. Hopefully in time you'll be in less pain.

You need to go through the grieving process to come out the other side. Rest lots and take time for yourself. X

ToastieWarm Thu 22-May-14 10:31:46

I am so overwhelmed by your posts and appreciate you taking the time to respond to mine. It is amazing the comfort you can find in the words of strangers, I am sorry for your losses too.

Today is feeling like a much better day, but accept your advice that we will all have good and bad days and to be prepared for that.

I will definitely get a memento to represent my little angel baby and I think I found it after my cancelled surgery. Strangely a pair of shoes which has the sentence "believe in miracles" on the heel. They are so beautiful, so I know I will always have a smile on my face when I put them on.

Take care xx

JBrd Tue 27-May-14 14:01:07

toastie I love the idea of the miracle shoes! Hope you are doing OK xxx

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