I had 3 mcs last year, all around 8 weeks. So when I got my BFP back in January this year, I was very anxious and worried it would happen again. Because of my history, I was very closely supervised and heavily medicated in this pregnancy - progesterone, aspirin, heparin, lots of scans.
The weeks went on, and it was so hard to not go mental - I had some spotting around 6-7 weeks, and a small bleed, at which point I thought it's all over again. But they saw a heartbeat at the 8-week scan, and the bean was measuring right according to my LMP.
The weeks went on, and it was all looking really well. I had lots of symptoms, awful ms etc., and I slowly and cautiously started to believe that this might actually happen. Got the maternity clothes out of the loft, discussed birth options with the consultant and started making plans about mat leave. Great 12-week scan, everything looking really good.
Then my blood results came back, giving me a high risk for Down's Syndrome (nuchal measurements all good, but very low Papp-A). I tried the Harmony test twice because I wanted to avoid an invasive procedure, but it failed, so we decided to have an amniocentesis.
I was so confident that the outcome would be good that I was not overly worried when the midwife couldn't find a heartbeat at my 16 week check (she assured me she had heard movements). Then went in last Monday for the amnio, but they never got round to it - there was no heartbeat anymore. They think the baby died around 2 weeks ago. I had the medical management on Thursday, I would have been 17 weeks.
And now I am trying to come to terms that there will be no baby in October. I will not be going on mat leave. I will not get to wear my mat clothes. We will not get to make any announcements that we had been holding off for so long. My little bump has disappeared, leaving just a flab that I now have to loose again.
I thought I was safe. I thought I had passed all the milestones with flying colours, leaving the awful first trimester behind. I thought that finally, I could start enjoying the pregnancy, and so did DH.
Yet again, I am left with nothing, all the plans just crumbled when the consultant scanned me, and there was no heartbeat.
It sounds childish, but I feel really cheated. Physically, I am fine, it was all straightforward, no complications. I know the ropes, I know it will get better - but all I want to do is to wail 'It's not fair, it was all going so well!' Right now, I can't find the strength or even motivation to believe that I will be able to climb out of this hole.
Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum.
Miscarriage/pregnancy loss
I thought I was 'safe' - second trimester miscarriage
JBrd · 06/05/2014 12:24
You don't sound even remotely childish. I am so so sorry to hear your sad news. It's so unfair. I wish I had some wise words of comfort but I don't 
. Sending you a hug and a hand to hold 
xxx
This reply has been deleted
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
So sorry for your loss
You don't sound childish. This is a place you can let it all out to people who understand 
I had a foot stamping, sobbing, it's not fair!!! Tantrum. Made me feel so much better. Because it's not fair, it's horrible.
Be kind to yourself.
I'm so sorry OP.
FWIW it sounds perfectly normal to feel cheated; I felt the same with both of my earlier miscarriages. You have to adjust your calender and everything that would have happened, the milestones, the due date. Everything changes. Feeling cheated is completely understandable.
You go ahead and wail that its not fair. It isn't fair. You feel all the things you need to feel, don't worry about anything else right now. What you feel is totally justified.
Hi Jbrd - I'm so sorry to see you on these threads. You were so supportive to me back on the posifrickentivity board - and your positivity was contagious, so I was truly shocked and saddened by your news. You're not being remotely childish. It IS desperately unfair - all those hopes and the plans you start making in your head. The statistics were all in your favour, so you are right to feel this way. I hope you have lots of support around you - and I hope you allow yourself plenty of space to process what has happened and to go through all those horrible stages of grief.
It must feel right now that there is nowhere for you to go to improve the way you are feeling.
Was the hospital planning to investigate what happened, to look at your baby and see if there were any abnormalities that might have caused this? Might answers like this help you deal with what has happened.
We miss you on the Posi. board - and everyone there has been thinking of you.
Take care. It's just horrible.
So sorry to hear about your loss . You have every right to feel cheated and rage about the unfairness of it all. It is unfair. The first couple of weeks after my MMC were really dark, one of the darkest times in my life, so I can't even imagine the pain of going through that three times and now a fourth time, just when you felt you had passed the big hurdle of the 12 weeks scan.
Stay on here for support. MN was really helpful to me when I had my MMC. You will find a way out of the hole but it just takes time and a lot of support. I hope that this recent loss leads to you getting more medical tests and help if there is a specific medical problem that your doctors can address to give you the best chance next time you get pregnant.
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.