Last week the Star Trek movie was on tv. I last watched it in hospital while bleeding 2.5 years ago. Watched it, and watched it and watched it. Saw it repeatedly while there was stil hope, saw it when there was no hope and after the operation (couldn't sleep). About 6 times in a few day. I thought i knew that film inside out.
Couldn't remember three-quarters of it when i watched last week. Part of me relieved that i could bear to watch without freaking out and part of me so sad for myself 2.5 years ago watching through unseeing eyes and so very traumatised.
Just wanted to post to say to anyone in the thick of it that you are not going mad or over reacting - it's horrible. Look after yourself, treat yourself kindly. Take the time and space you need. But also to say you never forget or "get over it" but it does become a memory that's easier to remember. Not sure that makes sense but i know i sobbed to a friend when the grief was raw and asked how i would cope. I had to trust her when she told me to hang on and i'd make it through and she was right.
It's such a horrible time, I had an ERPC on Christmas Eve 2007, I had to stay in overnight and have I.V antibiotics because I had a high temperature. I lay awake in a room all on my own all night and just cried it was truly horrible. Just thinking back to then and typing this now has brought tears to my eyes.