Seems silly to mourn after I have a 23 month old

(14 Posts)
Deenamumof1 Tue 01-Apr-14 00:58:08

Hi everyone this has been playing on my mind all the time lately, in June 2011 I had a missed miscarriage I was completely devastated and just keep reliving the words the nurse said to us "sit up, I'm sorry but I can't find a heartbeat" 2 months later I was pregnant again my little baby boy is now 23 months old and I adore the life out of him. But even though I have him I still feels so emotional that I lost the other little angel they said the baby died at 6 weeks and I just keep trying to remember what I was doing at 6 weeks into my pregnancy, I used to work in costa coffee and it was such a demanding job that I think was that it? I read though some other threads that people have posted and I feel ashamed posting this as I have already got the most adorable little boy ever but I really just wish I could have at least held my other angel or known wether it was a boy or a girl, my heart says it was a girl but I don't know and it just makes it 10 times harder as I would liked to have named her, I'm finding it hard to grieve and it's been nearly 3 years?
Sorry for the long post just trying to get it all out

wifey6 Tue 01-Apr-14 09:50:32

Sorry for your loss. There's no time-limit on grief & having another baby does not divert the pain & loss of your other baby. It's a void that can never be filled.
It's so hard when there are unanswered questions, the gender of the baby & why it happened. Please do not blame yourself.
Have you considered chatting to a bereavement counsellor?
I had a MMC in 2012, I already had a DC & went on to have another DC in 2013. But as my baby's anniversary approaches & in honesty, each day, I have that sadness that I never got to do all with that baby as I am doing with my other DCs.
Losing a baby is so incredibly cruel.

bakingtins Tue 01-Apr-14 11:52:31

Hi deena You have nothing to be ashamed about. Having a baby doesn't magically take away the feelings of loss. I had my first MC in 2009 and went on to have DC2 in 2010. Of course now I love him dearly and would not have it any different, but I loved the baby I lost too, and she would have been just as special as part of our family.
It's very, very unlikely that the loss was anything to do with anything you did or didn't do at the time. Most early losses are due to a random chromosome problem in the embryo that means they can't develop past a certain point. There is nothing to stop you naming the baby or doing something in her memory even several years down the line. I guess as you fell pregnant again pretty quickly you focussed quite rightly on the new pregnancy, but unresolved feelings can need to be dealt with even a long time later. If you are finding it difficult then wifey's suggestion of a bereavement counsellor is a good one, you could start by contacting the Miscarriage Association helpline and talking to one of their advisors, I expect they'd be able to point you in the direction of someone local if you want to see someone face to face.

Hardtothinkofanewname Tue 01-Apr-14 11:56:54

I have 4 children and still think about my two miscarriages. I think it's entirely natural, I had hopes for them too. I still remember the image of the first one on the ultrasound - and I'm grateful I got to see that.

It is such a private grief and not one that everyone understands. I would talk to someone about it.

I hope you can find some comfort

Deenamumof1 Tue 01-Apr-14 13:50:14

Thanks everyone, I have good and bad days. As you can tell yesterday was a bad one I was awake until early hours just thinking about it. Thank you all for the suggestions im going to give miscarriage association helpline a call. Thinking of all your precious stars in the sky girls x

marshmallowpies Thu 03-Apr-14 10:02:02

I'm in the reverse of your situation -had a stress free first pregnancy, DD is nearly 2, but I'm experiencing my first MC now.

Having DD to hug and kiss and make a fuss of has made all the difference in the world. She has probably been more smothered in love this week than ever before!

I can't imagine what it would have been like for it to happen the other way round, and not have the comfort of knowing I have one healthy happy child already.

My long term worry is that I'm 38 this year so I'm aware I may not have many rolls of the dice left, and I hope I don't end up regretting we didn't try for this second baby sooner. I just didn't want them too close together.

We used to say that if DD ended up an only child, we'd just get lots of pets instead - she loves animals - but the reality of contemplating that we might be a family of 3 is very different. I know lots of only children who are happy and outgoing and have tons of friends, and deep down I hope that as long as DD is happy, I'll be happy, but so much going through my mind right now. Thinking of you too, OP x

StampyIsMyBoyfriend Thu 03-Apr-14 10:06:24

In some ways... I think it can be harder, when you have a child, as you realise the enormity of what could have been & what you've essentially lost.

My MCs were sad, but I then went on to have DS. Losing a pregnancy now, I know what it's like to be a parent & the joy a child brings.

ouryve Thu 03-Apr-14 10:07:36

You need to do what you need to do.

I wouldn't have DS2 if I hadn't miscarried the pregnancy before his at 7 weeks, but I still do, occasionally, have a brief moment of "what if".

Your loss has clearly stirred up some deep seated feeling, though. I wonder if some counselling might help you.

Armadale Thu 03-Apr-14 10:20:52

Deena, I'm sorry for your loss.

I don't think it is silly for you to mourn, that was your baby. You love all your children, and having another one doesn't mean you love your first any less.

I also think the timing of things might have meant that your grief has been pushed down as you have other things you have had to deal with in the meantime- I lost my first at 20 weeks and got pregnant again 2 months later and it was only when I lost the second one that I realised how heartbroken I was about the first one, as the second pregnancy had been occupying my thoughts until then. I can imagine a newborn would be all encompassing in terms of mental energy.

Some counselling might be really useful for you. I'm having some at the moment and it is helping me come to terms with things. I'm having it at a place that specialises in pregnancy loss and so there is a lot of understanding there.

I don't know if this is helpful or not, (so ignore if not) but it is still possible for you to name your baby, even if no-one was able to confirm the sex for you. I have lost five and we have named them all. Three were late enough for the sex to be obvious, the other two were not. Dh and I felt we needed to know so we could name them. We felt in our hearts we knew the sex and went from there. We do talk about them now and refer to them by name and it has been a healing thing for me. (We chose quite unusual names and I think that was possibly a good thing as occasionally when I hear one of their name on a bus etc it does give me a little shock, if we had used a very popular name I think that would have been trickier). I know that isn't for everyone, though, and there is no right way to deal with things like this.

I am 22 weeks pregnant today and I know if this baby survives it will in no way diminish my feelings of love and loss for my other five.

HSMMaCM Thu 03-Apr-14 10:27:39

My mum has 3 children and 4 grandchildren and still talks about the 3 babies she miscarried.

Grief doesn't just disappear, but do get some help if you need it.

StampyIsMyBoyfriend Thu 03-Apr-14 13:45:37

Armadale, I'm so sorry for your losses but very happy to see your news. Have everything crossed for you.

Yes, in my head my 2nd mc was a girl, just an instinct. I have a name in my mind too.

Deenamumof1 Thu 03-Apr-14 17:41:50

Thanks everyone, im sorry to hear of all your losses. But ive thought of something, that our babies were to good for this earth and they are all playing together with other family members that have been taken from us, ivr decided to name her gracie. This is helping me come to terms with loosing her. All the best to you all x

wifey6 Thu 03-Apr-14 19:09:58

Gracie is such a beautiful name. I think that's a lovely way of looking at things.

Armadale Thu 03-Apr-14 19:26:22

Gracie is a beautiful name

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