just can't get past the fact that i have carried 7 babies but only have 3

(9 Posts)
annbenoli Thu 27-Mar-14 20:38:49

I have 3 lovely healthy children who are 5, 8 and 11. I have also had 4 miscarriages, in-between the children with the last one being after my last child was born, when i miscarried at 10 weeks. I just can't get over it. I keep thinking that 7 babies have grown inside me but only 3 are here. Husband doesn't understand at all and he saw the last miscarriage as a blessing as this was my only unplanned pregnancy. Has really driven a wedge between us, but I am finding it so hard, still feel jealous of people who are pregnant. Any advice on getting over this and enjoying my 3 children who i know i am very lucky to have.

bakingtins Thu 27-Mar-14 21:26:22

I have also had 7 pregnancies and have 2 children and one currently ongoing pregnancy, now at 30 weeks. I lost a baby at 10 weeks in between my sons and then three in a row at 8-9 weeks trying for DC3. It remains to be seen how I'll feel about in the longer term, at the moment I'm in a fairly good place with it all.
I found an article by Laura Grace Weldon called 'mother and child are linked at a cellular level' very comforting ( sorry can't link from tablet) and have a little corner of my garden with a special plant for each baby, and on their due date have bought a baby-related charity gift in their memory. At some point I'd like to go to one of the "Saying Goodbye" services that are held all round the UK, but I'm not sure with current hormone levels I could cope (plus going with bump is prob pretty insensitive)
It must be particularly hard to end your childbearing with a loss, particularly if your husband reacted so differently. Since it is still bothering you several years down the line, have you considered counselling, either alone or with DH? I think as a mum sometimes you just have to plough on with a brave face, and maybe you never had the headspace to come to terms with the losses. No shame in needing some help to make sense of it all. flowers

Gwlondon Fri 28-Mar-14 07:42:44

I know how you feel. Each pregnancy counts and means a lot. I don't think my husband always feel exactly the same way about our losses. He can say things that do not reflect how I feel at all. I get very annoyed/angry/upset but really his experience was very different and I just have to reiterate what I feel to him so he knows I don't have the same feelings.

Keep talking to anyone who will listen with kindness. I have one friend who I told her exactly the same thing "I have been pregnant 3 times but I only have 1 baby" and she was very kind to me because she understood.

Xx

annbenoli Fri 28-Mar-14 10:52:53

thank you so much baking tins and Gwlondon it helps to know that others feel the same way and that you are not going mad. I do understand why he feels differently and that his feelings are just as valid as mine, just not easy to remember that when feeling low. My children don't know about the losses as they don't need to know at the moment, maybe i will share when they are older, that also hurts.

Middleagedmotheroftwo Fri 28-Mar-14 10:57:59

I only had one miscarriage, but know exactly how you feel. It's 16 years later now, and we wouldnt have had DC2 if that baby had survived, but I still think about it from time to time, and wonder what it would have been like.
I don't think men react in the same way as they don't have to deal with the physical parts of being pregnant, feeling the baby move etc, nor the messy parts of miscarrying.
My impression is that the fact that a baby is on the way isn't as real to men as it is to women until the day the baby actually arrives, despite the fact that their DP is getting bigger and bigger every day. Men's lives carry on pretty much as normal during a pregnancy, where as women's change a fair bit - sickness, discomfort, new clothes, watching what you eat etc etc.

PicardyThird Fri 28-Mar-14 11:03:50

8 pregnancies and two children here. 1 miscarriage before dc1, another 2 between the dcs and now three in a row trying for no. 3. Empathy, lots of. Each pregnancy is the beginning of something, an emerging potential life. And I think it is a loss that is very, very hard to comprehend for anyone who hasn't had to be there, bodily dealing with it.
I have also found that each new mc has reopened the wounds of the ones past, so I am not surprised that you are grieving four rather than one atm, iyswim.

baking, I am thrilled to hear you are 30 weeks smile flowers Much love xxxxxx

neolara Fri 28-Mar-14 11:20:31

I'm not sure if this is any help, but is my experience. Like you, I have been pregnant 7 times and I have 3 dcs. My dcs are similar ages to yours, but my last mc was before the birth of dc3, so around 6 years ago. I know it's a cliche, but I have genuinely found that time is a healer. I completely lost the plot after my 4th mc and was sort of consumed with grief for a while. But things moved on and I don't feel like that now. I have also found it helpful to think that if I hadn't had the mcs then I wouldn't have the children I do have and I wouldn't want to change them for anything. I also try to think about some of the good things that came out of a truly crappy situation - becoming closer to some friends, having greater empathy for others going through the same, knowing so much about mc that I was able to provide information to others when they were going through it themselves.

But also maybe it is easier for me to accept because I always wanted 3 dcs and now I have this, so I feel my family is complete. I think it must be much harder to deal with mc when you feel it has stopped your family being complete. I wonder this might be making it so difficult for you to move on? Just a thought.

katieash76 Fri 28-Mar-14 18:38:24

Can totally relate to this. I have 1 DS and have been pregnant 9 times. 3 early losses before my son and 5 since trying for number 2. One was at nearly 19 weeks, a girl who I had felt moving inside me every day for weeks before we lost her. That was the hardest but with each one I lose it gets more and more difficult to remain hopeful. My 1 child is amazing, he keeps me going and I call him "my little miracle". I'm so blessed to have him, I have friends who tried all routes and were never able to have their own biological children and so adopted. Despite everything I'm lucky to have been able to have a perfect, healthy child. Even if it is only once in 9 pregnancies. My DH tries to understand but I think it's difficult for the fathers to as they have no experience of being/feeling pregnant and everything that goes with it. We feel we will tell our son about our losses when he is older, and take him to the cemetery where his sister is buried. My mother had a stillbirth (a horrific experience in late 1960s) and I knew vaguely about it growing up but since having my problems my mother has really opened up to me about it (never to any of my siblings) and i think that helped us both. Her and my father never really talked about it and it's obvious now, over 40 years later that she was really bottling things up. It's always good to talk about these things in the open. Take care xxx

DinoSnores Thu 10-Apr-14 19:22:47

bakingtins, you are very, very welcome at a Saying Goodbye service with a bump. That's not a problem at all.

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