Don't know how to get through this

(21 Posts)
Virgo9 Sun 23-Mar-14 11:11:29

After trying for out second child for over a year my baby had no heart beat at 12 wk scan. It had stop growing at around the 7wks. It's so cruel I had no idea anything was wrong. I'm booked in for a surgery tomorrow. I feel so alone, the sadness is overwhelming. I'm not sure how to cope, does the pain ever get better.
I feel no one understands my pain.

Paintyfingers Sun 23-Mar-14 11:26:01

I am so very sorry you have lost your baby hmm

The same thing happened to me in my first pg. It was three years ago and was very hard. I think of the little lost baby often, but it is not raw anguish like it was at the start. I know it probably doesn't feel like it now, but it will get easier. Of course you never ever forget them.

I am sending you some big un mn hugs in case you want them and thanks

Paintyfingers Sun 23-Mar-14 11:26:40

Do you have anyone in RL you could talk to for support?

Virgo9 Sun 23-Mar-14 11:43:38

Thanks your kind words Paintyfingers. It helps to know others have been through similar things and that it does get better with time.
Sorry I am new to this, what does RL mean?

grants1000 Sun 23-Mar-14 12:03:43

It means Real Life, like a friend etc.

I hope I can relate to how you feel. I had a m/c the night before my 3 month scan, I had felt fine until a few days beforehand when I just did not feel pregnant anymore.

What options have they given you?

Virgo9 Sun 23-Mar-14 12:23:55

I do have a couple of friends but none of them have been though anything like this, so although they are there for me they just can't relate what I'm going through.

They gave me 3 options 1-to wait for things to happen naturally, 2-a pill, 3-surgery.

I have opted for surgery, as I don't think I can start coming to terms with this until the baby has gone. As much as I want to hold on it's not helping. I wish things had happened naturally a few weeks ago, then I wouldn't have to go through prodecure tomorrow.

I feel guitly for having the surgery, but I still feel pregnant and want that to stop.

Paintyfingers Sun 23-Mar-14 12:43:35

Please don't feel guilty for having the surgery. I waited 3 weeks trying for a natural mc and nothing happened. I wish I had opted for surgery at the start.

Paintyfingers Sun 23-Mar-14 14:00:28

I meant to add that when I researched this I discovered that only 25% of this kind of mc (missed mc) end in full natural mc. I think the surgery is a good choice.

Virgo9 Sun 23-Mar-14 14:08:00

Thank you for the reassurance, part of me wants to hold on, but the other part needs to do this to move on. I don't feel like I can start to move on until the baby has passed.

I know time will heal but currently it seems impossible

Paintyfingers Sun 23-Mar-14 17:49:16

Virgo, this is the very worst bit (it certainly was for me) and after the surgery you may well feel you can start to at least have some mental space to start to properly grieve.

Are you managing to eat a bit? I know it is very hard when you are feeling so low.

bakingtins Sun 23-Mar-14 18:38:05

I'm very sorry you've lost your baby virgo
Don't entertain the guilty feelings ( although they are very common) this is absolutely not your fault. Missed miscarriage is very cruel.
Do whatever works best (or is least-worst) for you to deal with the physical side of things, once that is done you can start to come to terms with it emotionally.
Be kind to yourself, it's a horrible thing to go through.

jazzyjenbo Sun 23-Mar-14 19:30:51

I'm so sorry to read this, i also had a mmc in january and now 2 months on things r starting to get easier, yes i think of my little lost baby daily but I dont want it to rule my life having 2 other dc's to care for.
If surgery feels right to you then thats all that counts. I had the pills which was right for me.
Your feelings will b very raw at the mo, i started to move forward once i'd got negative test after 2 weeks (felt numb b4 that and this was when i broke down, cried it out and actually felt better afterwards)
Maybe try and do sumthing to remember your little one -- jewellery, tattoo, plant??
I bought a baby loss bracelet from ebay and am planning on planting a remembrance bush on what would if been the babies due date (putting pregnancy tests under it as thats all i have of my baby)
Everyone on these threads r very supportive. X x x

Virgo9 Sun 23-Mar-14 19:35:26

Paintyfingers eating is hard at the moment, I just don't feel like it. I'm am trying tho as I know I need to keep my strength up.

Bakingtins thanks for your kind words, the rational side of me knows this is one of things that just happens. But the other side of me can't help thinking is there anything I could have done differently.

Laying awake in the middle of the night and first thing in the morning is the worst for me. I just have a sinking feeling, with overwhelming sadness. Hubby is trying to be strong for me and is great but he feels helpless as he doesn't know how to make my pain go away. My 3 year old keeps asking him why is mummy crying, why is she sad. I've tried to explain it to him but he doesn't understand, he wants to make mummy happy, I try not to be too upset in front of him but it's hard.

Paintyfingers Sun 23-Mar-14 20:26:44

Virgo, I am so very sorry to hear about how you are feeling. Thinking of you and just wanted to say we are all here to listen.

I honestly could have written something very similar your last post when I was waiting for the surgery - I remember sleeping hardly at all and eating very little and lots of crying. Missed mc is very very hard - the shock is awful and the pain of losing your baby is indescribable I think.

Please be gentle with yourself. I hope it's ok to say this, but I like to think that even though my baby was very tiny it somehow at some level knew it was very loved. I don't know if this resonates at all. I know we all have different ways of dealing with the loss of our babies.

Virgo9 Sun 23-Mar-14 21:17:08

I am petrified of my surgery tomorrow but know that there isn't really any other option for me as I can't wait for this to happen naturally.
I'm hoping once tomorrow is out of the way I can start grieving properly and hopefully in time this dark cloud hanging over me will lift.
Before I started reading some of the posts on here I thought I was alone and no one could understand what I'm going through. It helps to know others have been there and have come out the other side. At the moment it just feel like nothing will ever make this better.

Paintyfingers Sun 23-Mar-14 21:22:14

I was pretty frightened of the surgery too, but it was honestly fine and I felt so much better physically and mentally afterwards. I really hope you will too. Is someone going to be there to look after you for the days after the general anaesthetic?

Virgo9 Sun 23-Mar-14 21:43:26

Yes my parents have come to stay with us for a few days. We thought I'd would also help by distracting my 3 year old.

I have an overwhelming urge to clean, get things in order but also to throw things out, almost like getting rid of the bad luck that caused this. I don't know if that's normal.

I dread going back to work (not sure when that will be) as there are lots of pregnant women in my building and I'm not sure what effect it will have on me.

Hawkshaw Sun 23-Mar-14 22:04:26

This happened to me too. The thing that helped most was a RL friend telling me that it was fine to be as mad as I liked for a little bit. And all the other friends and acquaintances who came out of the woodwork and told me that it had happened to them too. It's much more common than you might think.

It's a bereavement. If cleaning and ordering helps you, then do it.

Paintyfingers Mon 24-Mar-14 15:30:39

Thinking of you and hoping the surgery went ok today.

Virgo9 Tue 25-Mar-14 05:25:32

Thanks painty fingers. The surgery went ok although was in hospital the 14 hrs due to there bring no one to operate. I'm glad that over but now I'm feeling more lost then ever. Think I was concentating on the surgery now I nned to start grieving.

grants1000 Tue 25-Mar-14 09:54:31

I am glad to hear things went Ok with the surgery. It is the best option, I had a m/c the night before my 3 month scan and it was not great. However, like you I felt very shell shocked and extremely lost after it had happened. The physical aspect of it takes enough getting over it as the mental aspect, all you can do is to rest as much as possible and clean, do what ever you want to do to get you through; I read a whole series of books, Big Stone Gap series by Adriana Trigiani, just became immerserd in the books to help me throught it all. Take Care. x

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