MMC at 12 wks, heartbroken, how to cope?

(22 Posts)
bluesquirrel Mon 17-Mar-14 15:13:01

Last week I started spotting at 11 weeks, an emergency scan at what would have been my 12 week NT showed no heartbeat. This has been the saddest time in my life. At 7 weeks we'd seen the HB at a dating scan, the baby died at 8 wks. Its been a few days since the drugs for the med management and although the pain has largely gone (it never really started, physically - in fact, is this normal too?, no cramps, blood loss over a few hours and then pretty much disappeared), I feel so very very sad. I am trying to get distracted with things and am back at work in 2 days. But I was wondering what did ppl do to lift their spirits, how do you cope with MMC? I feel so heartbroken, didn't think this would ever happen and terrified of trying again in case this is repeated (I'm 37 so don't have loads of time to wait)

I'm so very sorry for your loss - m/c is a much misunderstood grief. You will feel very sad, and may do for sometime. I found reading the forums on the miscarriage association website very helpful and also had counselling.

I have two children now but still feel sad for the ones I lost x

HollyBen Mon 17-Mar-14 15:29:20

Really sorry to hear of your lists bluesquirrel I had an mmc at around the same stage back in 2010. I had an ERPC so cannot comment on medical management but can still remember the dread followed by sadness and heartbreak. For me the best way forward was to look forward and get right back to trying again. I got another BFP 3 months later and DD just turned 3. I wish I could tell you the fear of it happening again goes away but I don't think it really does. Been kind to yourself and don't rush back to work.

HollyBen Mon 17-Mar-14 15:39:47

If you decide to try again there is a thread full of lovely ladies who are all TTC after MC (sadly I had a further MC TTC #2 in Sept). There is lots of hand holding, advice and even a few laughs.

bluesquirrel Mon 17-Mar-14 19:09:34

Hi, thanks for your kind comments. I feel like i have to go back to work asap unfortunately, as a teacher just before final exams and no cover in place. I'm worried also as the same thing happened to my mum, like me she had 2 dd, then many years later 2 mc at the age i am now. I want to start trying asap, altho don't know when would be advised as the best time to start ttc. But the fear and worry of this happening again would maybe be too much. I never really considered the poss of mmc, and can't stop thinking of that awful moment when i learnt there was no hb. I feel this pain will stay with me forever. I don't really know anyone my age who's experienced this, this site has been so helpful. Thanks xx

I was in the middle of Y6 SATs when I had my first mmc so I do sympathise. There are no guarantees about future pregnancies, but having one m/c doesn't put you at greater risk of future m/cs. I had two m/cs then two successful pgs and then sadly another recent m/c. I'm nearly 42 so that's probably it for me. Another friend also had 2 m/cs, then a successful pg, then another m/c, then another successful pg.

Be gentle with yourself, and take the time you need to grieve. I took 3 weeks off after my first one, but was back to work within 2 days of my 2nd as I found keeping busy helped me cope.

HollyBen Tue 18-Mar-14 14:25:48

Miscarriage is one of these things people generally don't talk about. As a result we don't realise how common and heartbreaking it is.

With regard trying again. Unless there were complications, there is no need physically to delay. However you may want to wait until you mentally feel up to it.

There is loads of support available on here. Please keep talking about things be it online or in real life. I know it is a cliche but time is a great healer.

floofyapogo Tue 18-Mar-14 14:30:41

Hi there - really sorry to hear of your loss. I think they only advise waiting a month so that a future pregnancy can be dated accurately. However, I was told there is a fertility surge immediately after a mc, and that if I felt up to it, to try again.

37 is still quite young and there is definitely hope - as far as I know, tests are only done after three consecutive losses, but if you mention your mum's history, they may override this in case there is a genetic issue.

bakingtins Tue 18-Mar-14 14:38:49

bluesquirrel I'm very sorry that you lost your baby. I think if you've seen a Hb early on and been reassured that everything is ok it somehow makes it worse.
I've had 4 MC at 8-10 weeks and your experience of medical management sounds completely different to mine. Have you had a follow up scan to ensure that the MC is completed? I would want to be certain the physical loss is over with before going back to work. The emotional recovery takes time, you need to allow yourself to grieve for your baby however you see fit. I have been in the 'return early, keep busy' camp but you will need some time to yourself to come to terms with the loss. I found it helpful to do something to commemorate the baby's life, however short. The pain doesn't ever go away completely, but it does get much easier to live with, it won't always seem so raw. Someone shared an analogy that MC pain is like a big millstone round your neck to start with, but over time as you cry, take little positive steps, do something to remember a little of the stone is worn away, until it's a pebble you can slip in your pocket - never gone completely but no longer weighing you down.
Your chances of a subsequent pregnancy being successful after a single miscarriage are the same as someone who has never been pregnant before, 85%, and you are normally advised that you can start trying after one normal period. Many people try again or at least don't use contraception in the cycle immediately following miscarriage - this can cause some confusion with dating and potentially the uterine lining may not be up to scratch in the initial cycle, but many women do successfully fall pregnant straight away. It depends when you are physically and emotionally ready.

Ruggle Tue 18-Mar-14 16:00:31

Bluesquirrel
So sorry for your loss.
I had an mmc at 11 weeks last July. It happened spontaneously, before the chance for any scan, and I let it happen naturally, and lost a lot of blood and clots, so yours does sound suspiciously light in comparison. Definitely get a follow up scan to check that all the tissue has come out.
I was utterly devasted, being my very first pregnancy, at age 38, but after 2 moths tried again. Sadly, lost my second pregnancy at 5 weeks in November, but 2 weeks later conceived again, and am now 18 weeks and all seems well. It was a hard decision to keep trying, as the first loss was so incredibly hard, but give it time and you will find the strength!
Good luck!
x

Needlesswidow Tue 18-Mar-14 16:09:08

My advice would be to tell close friends and talk about all your emotions. I found doing yoga helped and going to an acupuncturist who helped me to return to being 'me,' rather than 'me expecting a baby.' I cried a lot... I underestimated how connected the emotions around everything happening In my daily life were to the miscarriage. Don't be hard on yourself, the sadness lasts for a while and can have physical/emotional/spiritual echoes.

Needlesswidow Tue 18-Mar-14 16:10:39

And physical advise - my guess is that there is a lot of tissue still to come out. It's not just the gestational sac, but all the stuff around it. Give yourself a HUGE break this week, see an acupuncturist and definitely have another scan...

bluesquirrel Wed 19-Mar-14 11:09:41

Hi. Many thanks for all your kind and lovely comments that have been so helpful. My local epu are not much help, they won't do a scan until 4 weeks after if a test shows positive. The day after the pessaries, the bleeding subsided a lot, then Mon and tues there was nothing. I started to think maybe this is it...all gone...but i was woken by cramps in the early hours of Wed morning (the first ones since the initial tablets last thurs) and some bleeding and small clots, now nothing again. I really don't think this can all be it, but it's so hard to know. Unfortunately seeing as nothing had been happening in the last few days, I'd arranged to go back to work on Wed morning and didn't want to let them down. Everyone was really nice and supportive, but i was so anxious about returning esp as the bleeding seemed to be back. I stood in my lesson (just the one) with 20+ students and every now and then would think what am i doing here, I'm still miscarrying!?! Anyway i came home and rang the epu who said it's quite normal and not to expect a scan or anything else for a month. What are other experiences of medical management?
And that's just the physical side. Emotionally is a different story all together. What did other ppl do to commemorate, if anything at all? I like the idea of something that might give some sort of closure if that's ever possible.. X

bakingtins Wed 19-Mar-14 11:40:25

That doesn't sound right. I've always been given the option of a scan to check for completion, particularly if there is doubt that you've passed the sac. It's not unheard of for medical management to be ineffective and an ERPC required. Check the NICE guidelines (sorry can't link on tablet) and give them some hassle.

I have a corner of the garden with a plant for each of my lost LOs, chosen for a link to names I had in mind or to flower at the time of the loss or the due date. I also bought a baby related charity gift in each due date.
Other ideas I've come across ; write a letter, release a balloon, choose a piece of memorial jewellery.

bakingtins Wed 19-Mar-14 12:15:54

*NICE guidelines on Medical management
1.5.9 Do not offer mifepristone as a treatment for missed or incomplete miscarriage.

1.5.10 Offer vaginal misoprostol for the medical treatment of missed or incomplete miscarriage. Oral administration is an acceptable alternative if this is the woman's preference[5].

1.5.11 For women with a missed miscarriage, use a single dose of 800 micrograms of misoprostol[5].

1.5.12 Advise the woman that if bleeding has not started 24 hours after treatment, she should contact her healthcare professional to determine ongoing individualised care.

1.5.13 For women with an incomplete miscarriage, use a single dose of 600 micrograms of misoprostol. (800 micrograms can be used as an alternative to allow alignment of treatment protocols for both missed and incomplete miscarriage[5].)

1.5.14 Offer all women receiving medical management of miscarriage pain relief and anti-emetics as needed.

1.5.15 Inform women undergoing medical management of miscarriage about what to expect throughout the process, including the length and extent of bleeding and the potential side effects of treatment including pain, diarrhoea and vomiting.

1.5.16 Advise women to take a urine pregnancy test 3 weeks after medical management of miscarriage unless they experience worsening symptoms, in which case advise them to return to the healthcare professional responsible for providing their medical management.

1.5.17 Advise women with a positive urine pregnancy test after 3 weeks to return for a review by a healthcare professional to ensure that there is no molar or ectopic pregnancy.*

So they probably are acting within the guidelines, but if you think the miscarriage may be incomplete I wouldn't wait 4 weeks to be rescanned. Maybe you need some worsening symptoms ??

bluesquirrel Wed 19-Mar-14 13:41:59

Hi, thank you for the advice. There's some great advice here and I'm really grateful. I like the idea of a corner of the garden with plants to bloom at the due date. DHnot so keen, he wants to move on and not really remember as it's been such a sad time for him too. We've got different ways of seeing the mc, the LO never seemed quite real to him throughout and he seems to be coping much better

Thank you baking tins for the nice guidelines. I know the epu said they thought 3 weeks was too short and their policy is wait for 4. I think we should be able to challenge this tho. And I'm thinking a lack of symptoms surely would count as worsening symptoms, or then again if cramps wake me up in the night out of the blue again..surely something i could go back to them with. But it does seem like scans are the holy grail with them, that's why i went private when i started bleeding.

I would be terrified of finding out i then needed surgery after so many weeks. (i get really anxious at the thought of it).

Thanks again for everyones kind comments xx

floofyapogo Thu 20-Mar-14 13:46:42

That doesn't sound right to me either bluesquirrel - I've always had scans 7 days after the sac has passed. Even if there's still tissue in there, they can tell you if things look OK or not (or they have done in my experience). I'm in Scotland, which may be different, but have been told to come for a scan anytime for reassurance, either when pregnant, miscarrying, or afterwards.

You're having a horrible time with not knowing what stage you're at physically, which makes the emotional side even harder. It's like everything's on hold sometimes isn't it?

With regards to commemorating, I only did something with my second - we planted a tree but, to be honest, when we moved house, that was hard. I also didn't really like see it all the time, but everyone's different. I think that whatever's right for you, is right.

Take care.

bluesquirrel Thu 20-Mar-14 14:49:31

Thanks floof (sorry no bold function on my phone). It does just feel like it's hard to move on emotionally when i don't know if i am doing physically. I feel like i can't really move fwd with the grieving process until i know physically.

The hospital def won't budge on the scan for 4 weeks and I'm pretty sure there hasn't been enough bleeding (a week ago with a few days, not especially heavy).

Also as i can't stay off work waiting indefinitely, I'm back with all the extra stresses and pressures.

It's a good point about planting a commemorative tree, and later moving. Will try to think of something else. I also liked the idea of some memorable jewelery or a letter.

There's been some lovely advice on here, thank you. It's so sad that so many people have been through so much. I got posted a leaflet about a local hospital monthly support group which i may go to.

Many thanks for all your support xx

floofyapogo Sat 22-Mar-14 17:47:51

How are you today bluesquirrel?

jollster Sat 22-Mar-14 22:00:38

blue so sorry for your loss, after having seen a HB is extra cruel. I had 5 miscarriages after having DS1 at 40; 3 MMCs at 12 weeks, and then 2 early-ish MCs. But then I went on to have DS2 who is now 18 months when I was 44. So don't give up hope x

bluesquirrel Mon 24-Mar-14 21:01:45

Thanks for asking floof. I've been very busy with work lately, which

bluesquirrel Mon 24-Mar-14 21:21:20

Sorry....wrong button...

Jollster, so sorry to hear of your losses. How did you get through? It's so heart breaking.

I've found that being back at work is helping in providing a distraction, i have no choice but to just get on with things. But this sense of "everything back to normal"at work is also depressing. I keep remembering at odd moments and get overwhelmed with sadness again, but don't feel like i can talk to anyone there. Even the ppl who know seem to expect it all to be ok, just because on the surface i seem to be ok, whereas i feel like I'm only just holding it together.

And someone i am friends with has been moaning to me today about his problems (lack of sleep with teething baby, work pressure, being generally down). Didn't want to be unsympathetic but came very close to tears, or gbh. And he knew.

Even with friends and family, it feels like noone wants to mention it or think about it, other than.."how are you? Ok? Oh right well let's talk small talk instead.nada nada..."

Moving on...Spoke to the midwife, they def won't rescan and say to do a test 4 weeks after the medical management started (2 and a half weeks to wait). Still had very little bleeding. A few more days of nothing then some spotting. I hate this feeling of waiting and not knowing. Maybe it is over. i can't even think of ttc again until then (altho i do think about it a lot).

Thank you for all the messages. Its so sad that so many ppl have gone through this x

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