Deciding when to stop

(8 Posts)
Listentomanyspeaktoafew Tue 11-Feb-14 20:48:14

I've had 2 mc now, I know many people have had more. Obviously this is a personal decision based on individual situations, but what are the factors in influencing your decision to carry on ttc or to stop and move on?

bakingtins Tue 11-Feb-14 22:16:16

Emotional and physical stress of being "in the firing line" again. Impact of that on family. Cost and time of investigations. Potential side effects of treatment.
Weighed against the desire for another child, and the need for a happy ending....
I'm pleased to say our final "last try" after 4 mc in total and 3 in a row is 24 weeks and going well. I've been round and round whether to give up, somehow you find the will to keep going, but as you rightly say it's very personal and everyone has their own limits.
Come on to the RMC thread if you want to chat about it, it's a decision we've all been over and over, sometimes many times.

nldm1 Tue 11-Feb-14 23:06:30

Hi. We've had two live births (now 4 and 5 years old respectively) followed by 2 1/2 years unsucessfully ttc and then 2 mmc in the space of 9 mobths last year.
DH has been diagnosed with a varicocele, which the docs believe may be causing our problems ttc and possibly be having an effect once we do conceive. He's getting it fixed this coming Friday and in 3 months time, we'll know if it's made a difference or not. We're delaying our decision about whether to ttc again till then but I think we're in a similar place to you, feeling lost, not knowing what's right or wrong and finding it hard to not know what we want to do.
We both know we want another DC, but we're having to weigh that up against the effects that another loss might have on us and how us being effected will effect our children (who don't know what's up, but sense something is).
At present, we're trying so hard not to think about it. Maybe we'll get good results in 3 months, feel optimistic, but still decide that we don't want such a big age gap and upheaval for our kids. Maybe we will ttc again.
I think that we need to accept that sometimes it's ok to not know. To give yourself the time you need, even if it's longer than you thought it would be, to gain a fresh perspective on your life and what it could be.
A loss never leaves you, you'll just eventually learn to live with it. I think that maybe, with each loss, it takes a little longer to learn to live again. Making decisions in this time might not be the best course of action for you.
Sorry, very rambling blurb. I just get where you're.coming from.
Take care and best wishes xx

DoItTooJulia Tue 18-Feb-14 18:07:07

I had two MMCs before I went onto have ds1. We got pregnant again when ds1 was 18mo and I miscarried again. For me that was enough.

Enough sadness, enough pain, enough strain on our relationship. Ds1 was 7 when DH asked if we could try once more. I agreed, but said if this one didn't stick, then I was done. I did get pregnant and ds2 is now 16mo.

Tbh, I never felt properly done, but just wasn't prepared to put myself through all of it again, but I'm so glad I did. I'm even wondering about a third DC! Go figure!

2 miscarriages is hard. No tests are offered and the consultant I saw privately almost laughed at me for being so worried. He advised that I try low dose aspirin and to get pregnant ASAP (I saw him three weeks after the second mmc). I have no idea if that's what did it, but I was happy to try. Once I'd got ds1 in my mind there was no panic, I'd got a healthy baby, so the third mc was the 'easiest' to bear. The second was the hardest IYSWIM, because I was beginning to think it wouldn't happen for me.

Good luck OP.

Forester Tue 18-Feb-14 20:13:38

I'm still TTC.

I have a 4yo DD and we have spent last three years trying for sibling - two years not conceiving and then two MMC's last year (the first of these pregnancies was while I was on clomid).

There's a few reasons why I want a sibling for DD. The main reason is that as an only child myself as an adult I would like to have a sibling. However it didn't bother me not having a sibling growing up - and I certainly wasn't jealous of my friends younger brothers! So I'm not worried about DD not having a playmate - that's what friends are for.

I'd hoped that I would be pg again by now but not even sure whether I'm ovulating so planning on discussing going back on clomid. And even if I do get pg I'm painfully aware that that's only the first step.

Other than clomid we're not going to try any other intervention and will leave nature to take it's course - partly because I would be worried about the impact on DD. If we didn't already have DD we would look at all options.

I've given myself a deadline of the Christmas after I turn 40 (I'm 38 now) to continue TTC as I know that at some point I need to move on. Though if I have another MC I'm not sure that we would try again.

duvetheaven Tue 18-Feb-14 20:20:55

Before I had my DD5, I had two Mc in a row and as I did not have a child , I know I would have kept going in order to have my own child. It was third time lucky. Five years on and felt I had done my grieving over not being in the right situation to have any more children. However, I have a new partner and we thought we would try anyway. I am now two more mc's along and have decided to have some tests done privately. I am giving myself a year but these two mc's have not had the same impact as the one's prior to my DD although everyone is different. I plan to adopt eventually if it doesn't work out for me naturally.

Normalisavariantofcrazy Wed 19-Feb-14 12:34:01

We've had 2 mc's and the age gap is now 8 years and counting between the youngest and any future baby

We've agreed to stop when the gap hits 10 years.

We are not allowed any investigations until we've had 3 mc's and I don't know if I can go through a 3rd so we may stop sooner

Listentomanyspeaktoafew Wed 19-Feb-14 20:15:08

Thank you for all of your responses. It has confirmed even more that the 'right' thing to do is whatever works for you and your families, as you are the only ones who can make that call. Also, I am having to learn that the family unit I envisaged in my mind when starting out is not necessarily superior to the real family I may end up with (in terms of quantity of children, age gaps, etc). However, if you read other threads on MN, it is not only those of us who've lost babies who have to come to terms with this, for many people the imagined family and the real one don't necessarily match up!

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