Please someone help me :(

(19 Posts)
Carly6971 Sat 08-Feb-14 11:00:08

So I lost my precious miracle in the early hours of Thursday morning and I guess I just need to share a little of my story and try and find some support.

After 6 years of trying to conceive we were finally blessed with our miracle bean, only to loose him ( I know he wasn't a boy but to us from the start he had been a boy so we refer to him as him) at 9+5 :,(.

I cannot stop crying, I feel so awful and then feel guilty because I know deep down my pain is no worse than anyone else's. I just can't accept that it's happened, I just want my baby back...what if it never happens again, or if it takes another 6 years? When will I stop bleeding? I feel as though I was just kicked out of the hospital with no information and don't know where to turn sad I just don't know what to do now?

bakingtins Sat 08-Feb-14 14:52:01

carly I am so sorry you lost your baby. I think it must be even worse when the pregnancy was so hard won in the first place. You must be shocked and grieving, I promise you won't always feel as bad as you do right now. If it was a natural miscarriage then you are likely to bleed for a couple of weeks. Once you pass the sac (is that what happened on Thursday?) then the bleeding should subside to period-like proportions, and get gradually lighter, though it can be a bit stop-start. If you get any unpleasant smell or you feel unwell get checked out for infection. You need to use pads, not tampons, for the entire bleed. You should have some follow up to ensure the miscarriage is complete, either an ultrasound scan, or been told to take a pregnancy test after approx 2 weeks and report back if it is still positive.
The Miscarriage Association website is v good for clear practical information and they also have a helpline if you want to talk to someone.
Emotional recovery takes longer. Accept that you need to grieve and allow yourself to feel sad, angry, guilty or whatever emotions are thrown up. At the same time be nice to yourself, plan a few treats, rest, eat well and take time off work until you feel stronger. Your partner might grieve v differently to you, often men try to be the strong one and then the woman feels he is not grieving enough. Everyone copes in their own way. I have found it enormously helpful to honour the baby in some way (plant a tree, write a letter, buy some memorial jewellery, choose a charity gift etc) one of the problems of a MC is that there are none of the rituals that normally surround a death that help us to grieve.
Keep posting, it helps to have somewhere to 'talk' flowers

pixiestix Sat 08-Feb-14 14:54:09

I'm so very sorry for your loss Carly.

Nodney Sat 08-Feb-14 15:05:49

Oh Carly, I'm so so sorry. I have no experience of this but I didn't want to read and run x

Carly6971 Sat 08-Feb-14 15:36:21

bakingtins thank you so much for your message you have hit the nail on the head of exactly how I am feeling. My other half was devastated the day it happened and yesterday but now seems back to his usual self which is making me so angry, as though 24 hours is all it took for him to forget our baby, although I know deep down this is not the case.

I do have a follow up scan ( that I had to ring and ask for myself as all I was told was there was still stuff left and it might now come out! ) I definitely passed the baby on Thursday early hours. I just what to stop hurting.

I have been and brought a small yellow rose that I can watch grow and a wooden planter to commemorate our baby, and have ordered a plaque:

our little bean,

Although we never got to hold you in our arms, we will hold you in our hearts forever.

All our love always,
Mummy and Daddy.

As I feel when it's all put together I can just put it in a quiet corner of the garden but feel as though I have something to remember by, that's the hardest thing, as although to many he was just a fetus to me and my family and close friends he was already our long awaited baby and I don't want to pretend he never existed...do u think this is strange?

I also can't stop feeling guilty that I just flushed him away :,( this is awful and I never ever thought this would happen to us after some thing somewhere was kind enough to finally let us have our dream, and then to rip it away from us seems beyond cruel :,( x

bakingtins Sat 08-Feb-14 16:27:51

Not strange at all. Every baby, however short their life, affects you forever. You might find this article comforting - it says that your baby will always be with you.
Don't feel guilty about flushing, think about sending him out to sea. FWIW 1 of my losses was cremated by the hospital, 2 went down the toilet without me recognising the sac amongst all the blood, last one was caught in a sieve (sorry, far TMI) and sent for testing. I have a plant in my garden for each of them and in the long run the manner of the loss hasn't affected how I feel about them. It's not a time when you are thinking clearly about what is best, don't beat yourself up.

jazzyjenbo Sat 08-Feb-14 20:31:46

If you would like to chat more openly with other mn mc mums (9 of us so far) you are welcome to join our little private fb group. Pm me for more info, we r all here for u. Be kind to yourself x

Only1scoop Sat 08-Feb-14 20:36:33

Carly, so sorry for your recent loss ....that's a lovely way to remember your ds.
It's hard....thinking of you thanks

Forester Sat 08-Feb-14 20:38:33

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I have had two MC's - but only after I had my DD so despite going through difficult times I know that I am lucky. It's such a tough time because not only are you grieving for your bean but also your thoughts on what your future was going to be looking like in a few months time.

I don't know whether you are able to conceive naturally but if you can then it may be some comfort to know that your fertility will be higher for the next few months or so.

And I think your plans to commemorate your baby are lovely.

flowers

Carly6971 Sat 08-Feb-14 22:28:19

Thanks ladies for all your kind words and support I hope you are all coping as well as can be expected as well.

I am finding the overwhelming guilt is hard. I even feel guilty moaning on here as everyone else is also going through the same as me so why should I expect people to take time out to listen to me drone on? I feel guilty I maybe didn't try to eat as healthy as I could I drank more than 2 cups of tea some days, dipped a finger in cake mix and licked it, didn't wash lettuce, took my parents much wanted grand child from them, picked a friends 3 year old up, so much stuff that I didn't even think about now seems like I committed some heinous crime!

I did manage to by some miracle get pregnant naturally but am so worried it won't happen again for another 6 yrs even tho I have a feeling I will get pregnant sooner this time I think this is just myself setting me up for more heart break xx

bakingtins Sun 09-Feb-14 05:37:46

It's a normal part of grieving to feel guilty, but honestly, nothing you did or didn't do caused this.

LisaW1979 Sun 09-Feb-14 13:28:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Carly6971 Sun 09-Feb-14 15:31:14

Lisa,

So sorry you are going through the same thing, it's truly awful,isn't it? Life just doesn't seem fair sad so fragile. I am feeling a little better today, which then increases the guilt sad how are you coping? Xx

LisaW1979 Sun 09-Feb-14 15:44:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Carly6971 Sun 09-Feb-14 17:23:45

Oh gosh Lisa, that's such a shame. Our baby was only 9 weeks so I can't imagine how much more difficult it gets the further along you get. Even though he was only 9 weeks he was our baby, and after 6 yrs of trying the loss seems to sting even more sad and it's terrifying to think that I may have lost my only chance to be a mummy, although I am trying to remain positive. I am 31 and think another 6 years and I will be 37, plus add to that the fact I have been with hubby since I was 17 and never used contraception, the 6 yrs was just actively trying. Life feels so cruel that it would actually let us get pregnant and then snatch it away!

I feel so sad that because I was only 9 weeks pregnant I didn't and never will get chance to say goodbye properly, and apart from my hubby, mum and dad no one even acknowledges him as a baby sad even tho from day one to us he was our baby.

I definitely find these boards helpful as unfortunately everyone is feeling the same as me, although sometimes I feel a bit of a fraud as most ppl were a fair bit further along than me, I guess I am just so raw due to the pregnancy bring so hard won!

I want to try again as soon as I can even tho I. Don't really think I am ready for another pregnancy is some respects in others I feel I am...it's all so confusing and like you I can hear the clock ticking very loudly sad like I don't have the time to waste. Will you try again do you think?

Forester Mon 10-Feb-14 20:40:08

Lisa I am so sorry for your loss. Given what you've been through over the last few months I can see why you are hesitant about trying again but at 35 you are definitely not running out of time so if you need to give yourself time don't think that that's it forever.

But Carly I can see why you would want to try again. There is an ongoing thread on TTC after MC which you may find helpful - as it's definitely a time of mixed emotions.

LisaW1979 Wed 12-Feb-14 09:15:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

22honey Wed 12-Feb-14 21:10:35

At the moment nothing will make you feel any better about the loss of your much longed for bean. Although my situation isnt exactly the same, I had years of concern for my fertility and it took me and my OH over 18 months to conceive our first. We were over the moon, but it turned out to be an ectopic with a subsequent twin in uterus and I lost both babies. I remember coming out the hospital and just crying hysterically in my DP's arms. I felt like I'd never have a baby, I was extremely lonely and sad for months after and would run off outside somewhere crying for ages.

However less than 6 months later I was pregnant again and I am now almost 14 weeks, scan was fine and I could not believe it. I was so convinced something else was wrong again, but it wasnt (and the odds are it should be fine from now on!). Just so you know you arn't alone and there is a great chance you will become pregnant again, healthily this time. Your fertility is meant to be higher after a miscarriage, and when I fell pregnant this time me and DP were not even trying. There are success stories everywhere of women having babies after a miscarriage and its very likely you'll go onto have a healthy baby after this.

Take your time and allow yourself to mourn the baby you have lost. Me and DP will never forget our 2 first babies but we will always remember them in our hearts and we have managed to come out of it.

I am so sorry for your loss again and never feel you are alone, you will get through it and there will be happy times again in the future. Best wishes and lots of hugs xxx

elleylouise Fri 14-Feb-14 09:20:01

Hi Carly I'm so sorry, it's so hard dealing with - I just had a mc two weeks ago at just 7 wks, I'm finding it really hard to get through and I know I need to talk about it. I find it difficult trying to talk to people as we didn't let anyone know we were expecting and trying to make general conversation at times it just so hard. A friend has just announced they're expecting and that makes it a little harder as well..We've been so lucky with our first little bub, nothing went wrong with the pregnancy at all and to lose this little bump is just so confusing. I had a lot of health problems in the past that resulted in drs telling me I couldn't have children (bubs killed that theory) but all those tests and everything I went through just keep coming back to me making me feel like I'm not going to be able to give him siblings. I feel so selfish everyone has their own problems and you're going through so much more than me. I just want you to know you're not alone. Sorry for the botchy message I'm not good at putting things together at the moment..I just feel tired, and detached. I'm having trouble feeling any sort of feeling and I know its wrong.. I'll say a prayer for all of you xx

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