shock at 12 week scan

[enlightenedbunny]

Guessed i was pregnant on holiday at christmas and was over the moon - as was partner. Had flu and was then floored by morning sickness. Breasts ballooned and were tender and was tired, constipated, bloated. Tested around 7 weeks - positive. Saw GP who referred me to maternity and treated uti that i didnt know i had. And then the wait for dating scan began. Nausea improved(but didnt go away) at 9 weeks and at 11 breasts were no longer tender (thought that was odd) but scan was in a few days so waited.
Was totally shocked to hear at scan there was only a gestational sac and it was probably only 6 weeks. Didnt ask anyhing at the time but didnt understand how I could have felt pregnant. Felt numb. Tried to tell myself ho common it is, that at least it was early etc but cant control the grief. Crying randomly - it just happens. Due another scan in a weeek. Yesterday started bleeding a little and passed a small piece of something greyish with minimal cramping. I know it may pass on its own or i may need a procedure. I know whats happening but i cant believe it. Struggling to get on with things - even getting out of bed is a chore. Mostly i feel numb and then out ofnowhere come the tears.
Partner is trying to be supportive but doesnt understand. To him it is sad but over. To me, this is probably the third time i was pregnant - had a termination when partner was going through mental health problems and couldnt cope (at the time it seemed the right thing to do, i know i cant turn back the clock), and had similar symptoms at 6 weeks but as i twigged and before i could test i passed something greyish and bled heavily. We were both so excited this time - i just cant believe it. I feel as if someone has played a cruel trick on us.

Not sure what made me write this but feeling very vulnerable. Please be kind

[miserywaterfall]

I am so sorry It truly is a heartbreaking experience.

I recently had a similar thing, found out at 12 week scan my baby had died at 9 weeks. In the end I opted for the surgical option and now two weeks on I still feel numb at times, with tears and sobbing at others. I have found support in talking to others I have met on this website as I know my real life friends don't really understand, having never been where we are. Please feel free to rant or cry or just talk here to let it out as keeping it in only makes things worse xx

[2beornot]

Enlightened, you are not alone. The numbness you are feeling sounds very familiar. It can never be the same for out partners as it is for us. We have carried our baby for 3 months, our bodies have deceived us. They have been denied the future they had planned, as have we.

Feel free to keep posting on here and be assured that what you are feeling is perfectly normal and whilst you never get over it (I am now 15 weeks pregnant but still mourn for the one I lost) you do eventually accept that it did happen and probably for a reason.

Make sure you tell the doctors that this is probably not your first loss so they can start looking in to things sooner x x

[Armadale]

I am so sorry for your loss.

It is such as shock to find out at a scan when there has been no warning, I'm not surprised you feel numb. You are right, it is a very cruel trick.

It sounds as though your grief at your previous pregnancies is being brought up at this time as well, so you have an awful lot of pain to deal with at once.

(I have had several MC and found that my feelings of past losses were very raw each time, it was like losing those pregnancies again, as well as the current loss.)

It is good they are rescanning in a week, at least then you will have more clarity.

I would think about what your time limits are for things so you are clear when you see them. eg how long are you prepared to wait for things to happen naturally? When would be too long for you?

At my EPU they suggested to me to book in an ERPC for two weeks time, and if it had happened naturally by then I could cancel it, if not I could go ahead and it meant at least I knew that in two weeks it would be over, one way or another, which I found mentally helpful as I knew what I had to get through, if that makes sense.

Is there anything you can do to distract yourself for this horrid week of waiting? I find a box set of some really trashy TV I wouldn't normally let myself watch a good idea, as I can't concentrate on anything too tricky. It is also good for me to snuggle on the sofa under the duvet and have a good old cry whenever I need to. Just in case I'd also get in supplies you might need, such as heavy pads and painkillers.

for you....it is a horrible thing to have to go through. I'm thinking of you

[Forester]

I am so sorry for you.

I've had two MMC's and at the first I did not know there even was such a thing so understand the devastation you are feeling. It's frustrating that our bodies don't always know what has happened.

Be kind to yourself.

[Wolfiefan]

I'm so sorry. Of course you will find kindness here. I had a mmc with my first pg. 13 weeks. Gutted. ERPC. Horrid. Had no idea this could happen and feared I would never have children.
(Now have two btw)
Be gentle on yourself. You are grieving for everything this baby could have been. Please take care. Hope you have RL support.

[enlightenedbunny]

Didn't expect such a response - thank you for the support. Has made me cry again but does help (very sad to hear others have been through this too). The few people we had told before the scan have been supportive in the best way they know how and I am grateful for it but none have been through this so they don't really understand. Partner seems to have processed this better but my brain and heart are in total disconnect. I feel stupid, like I was tricked - how did I not know? For so long? How did I think I was still pregnant all this time? How did I have symptoms for so long? I bonded with my baby (or I thought I did) but now it seems there may not even have been a baby.... I'm really having difficulty accepting this. Brain knows what to say, what to do - I know that I want the surgical option, as soon as possible and then need time and when ready we should try again. But at the moment I just want to hide under the duvet - I can't accept the reality. I can't face the things I should be doing. And I know I'm going to cry on the day the booking appointment should have been. I'm ashamed to admit it, but it was painful walking out of maternity after the scan thinking 'if things were different that would have been me in a few weeks.' Its just so hard.

[ItchyBodCrane]

bunny - I could have written a similar post not so long ago. We found out on NYE that there was a sac but no embryo (I was about 11 weeks). I felt so tricked by the morning sickness and tiredness when there had never been an actual baby.Apparent it is the most common reason for miscarriage but in most cases the miscarriage will occur naturally earlier on so the fact that it is anembryonic is never known. it is only us lucky few that get to the horror of the scan stage.

I promise it will get better. I had my ERPC almost exactly a month ago and this helped so much physically and a little psychologically. We didn't tell many people so we've only had one stupid 'well at least you know you can get pregnant' comment which is about the last thing I wanted to hear as, like you, I felt like I was never actually properly pregnant. Everyone who knows has been very kind. Don't be afraid to tell people IRL if you need to. You may find your DP takes longer to process it as he is not going through the physical process like you.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Be kind to yourself. There is an excellent thread in this folder about what to expect when miscarrying, whether it happens naturally or by erpc.

[maillotjaune]

I am sorry for your loss.

I had a mmc which was picked up on a scan at around 12 weeks after a small bleed. At the time I was on the pill and had only realised I was pregnant at around 7-8 weeks (major shock) and the scan showed that the baby had died shortly after that. The numbness you describe sounds very familiar.

I did have a surgical procedure after a couple of weeks of wait and see, during which time I hardly bled. I found a lot of support on Mumsnet afterwards.

[2beornot]

You may well feel slightly better after ERPC. For me I couldn't see past it. Once it was over I went back to 'normal' which worked for me. Looking back I wish I'd given myself more time but at the time it was easier to go to pre-arranged social events and then work.

Take it one step at a time and do not put yourself any pressure

[bakingtins]

I'm sorry for your loss. MMC is a particularly cruel trick of nature, but the loss of all your hopes and dreams for a baby can be devastating at any point. I have had 4MC and agree with Armadale that each one can bring up old hurts, besides feeling it is not your turn for any more bad luck. Let yourself grieve, and that might entail grieving the past losses too. Posting somewhere like this can be a bit of a lifeline, but if you need someone to talk to IRL, the Miscarriage Association is a good place to start, they have a helpline and should be able to point you towards local support groups or counselling.

[enlightenedbunny]

Again, thank you for the support.

Horrible cramping today but not passing much. Starting to wish it would all just end quickly and leave me to grieve. Feel guilty but felt unable to go to work today - pain was excruciating at times and was scared it might happen at work (explained to boss but havent told anyone else - they didnt know i was expecting anyway) or even worse while battling the tube to get to work...

Been talking to partner. Helps to process it. Had another cry. As many of you have said I guess its going to be one day at a time.

[ItchyBodCrane]

bunny> Get yourself to your GP who can sign you off for a while. You will need it and if you feel you want to go back to work earlier then you can. I'm sure your GP will be very sympathetic, and it will not count as sick leave but maternity leave . I had just over 3 weeks off, from the point I found it was ending to 2 weeks after the ERPC. It takes a lot out of you physically and emotionally so don't feel guilty for a second.

[ItchyBodCrane]

I mean maternity sick leave, rather than maternity leave. It is not standard sick leave anyway.

[jazzyjenbo]

Sorry to hear this sad news, i also had mmc in january.

Isn't it sad that they dont give you more information. I had to ring up afew days after when i was calmer to find out more.

What you have described is very similar to me. I went for a scan at 9 weeks, the sac was 9 weeks, yoc was present and placenta taking over but baby had died very early.

It is termed as a blighted ovum, basically on implantation the egg splits 1/2 to become the baby and 1/2 the membranes. Sometimes the baby but can fail but the rest take resulting in the empty sac. You get all the symptoms etc because you are pregnant, just that the baby isnt viable. (sorry if tmi just trying to put it as plainly as i can as it took me researching to find out)

The grey blob u describe does sound like the sac, maybe about the size of a golf ball. The cramps should settle but u may find u pass clots for afew more days whilst ur body clears the lining.

If you would like to join the fb support group i've set up please pm me. Afew of the girls on this feed are members x

[tinkerbelle82]

This is my first post on mums net and never dreamed it would be in this thread.

We had first scan on thursday and were told our baby had stopped developing at 8 weeks. I was 11wks +2 on Thursday. Absolutely devastated and numb. Feel cheated as I too have had no signs of a problem and have had pregnancy symptoms. Back to the hospital yesterday for another scan to confirm and consent for surgical procedure tomorrow. I just want tomorrow to be over.

It was meant to be such a happy day which has turned out to be one of the worst of our lives. First baby for me and my husband. Can't really put it into words.

I am sorry for u other girls who have been through this too.

[enlightenedbunny]

Wanted to touch base...

Despite the horrible cramping, never passed anything so went for surgery. Was warned about pain but did not expect it to go on as long as it did, or be as severe as it was - was worse when going to the loo. Has settled now, and physically healing.

Mentally is another issue. Went back to work this week - to a site I hadn't been to for a month. It was horrible. We'd decided not to tell anyone about the pregnancy till the scan date, but someone guessed and I had confided in her. Well when I got back, in passing she asked 'so hows the pregnancy' - so I replied, 'I'm not pregnant anymore' but maybe she didn't hear, wasn't listening or just wasn't expecting an answer. She was then quite short with me about something else - it wasn't personal but it felt harsh - then she disappeared. I sat down at my desk and just felt this overwhelming sadness at the thought that the last time I was here I was pregnant, and now I'm not, and how unsympathetic she had been. A new work colleague then came in to ask a question and I just burst into tears in front of her - I was so embarassed crying in front of a stranger - but I just couldn't control it. I told her why I was upset and she was nice about it but obviously uncomfortable. Finished my cry, she left, I picked myself up, somehow managed to get through the work I needed to do (had no more interruptions) and left. Cried again when I got home but felt better when i talked about it with my partner and felt ok about going to a meeting the next day. Went in and the first thing my boss asked when i got there was 'how are you' - and i cried again. He was as symathetic as he could be i guess, without understanding. But that was ok. Again composed myself, went to the meeting and left early. Got home and felt ok, but now feeling anxious about going back to work - to that site and the others. Haven't seen my GP but not sure if I should, or what she could offer. I feel ok most of the time, but the grief just comes - either out of the blue or when someone says something (like 'how are you'!!!) and I feel so embarassed crying in front of people.

I have started to read some of the other posts on here, and I know I'm not going through anything as awful as some poor women are going through. I know this. I just don't know how to get through this. I can't take any more time off work but its just so awful - I just feel so vulnerable and the only place i feel safe is at home or with my partner.

[bakingtins]

Hi OP thanks for updating. Glad you are physically recovered, as you are discovering emotional healing takes longer and sometimes I think can only start when the horrible shock and the physical horribleness is out of the way. I know I've felt shocked and numb initially and it's only hit me later.

It's still v early days for you and going and facing people initially is always hard, particularly if they don't respond in a helpful way. You'll probably find it easier now you've done the first few days back, but is there a way you can do a phased return or light duties? Or ask GP to sign you off for a bit longer. GP can probably offer counselling if you think that would be helpful, but I'd be inclined to access that via Miscarriage Association (should be able to recommend local support group or local counsellor with MC experience, or just talk to someone on their phone line)
I've found it enormously helpful to do something to say goodbye/remember the baby after a loss, might be worth thinking about.
Take it easy, you've been through a very traumatic experience.

[2beornot]

Morning enlightened.

I too found work hard. I'd keep remembering at the oddest of times and crying (luckily more just tears in eyes than sobbing).

I think just give yourself time. If it helps to tell people then do (sod it if it's awkward for them) and if you need to leave early just drop your boss an email or chat with him to explain. If you mention beforehand then it'll help.

Sounds to me like you are doing all the right things. DH and I wanted to get a little teddy to remind us of the baby we lost. In the end we didn't get round to it but might that help you?

[enlightenedbunny]

Oh my heart is breaking.

Again pregnant, was offered an early scan - we saw a heartbeat. I thought that was supposed to be a good sign. Another scan and everything snatched away so cruelly - no longer a heartbeat, no growth since the last scan.

Again no indication - still the nausea/vomiting, the sore breasts. No bleeding or pain.

ERCP pending and referal to recurrent miscarriage clinic. Sad and scared.

[Itscurtainsforyou]

I'm so sorry. Take some time to deal with everything and don't rush back to work until you're ready. Hope you get some answers from the miscarriage tests

[Mouldypineapple]

Sending you a hug. I feel your pain. I have had one miscarriage (naturally at 10 weeks) and a subsequent successful pregnancy which I was paranoid about the whole way through! Take it slowly, give yourself time to grieve, this was a baby, a future, a dream of a new way of life.. You will slowly heal but it will take time.
It was a long time before I could mention my miscarriage to anyone without crying. I had counselling at the time too which helped. It's actually surprising how many real life people have experienced one too. When I went back to work after mine so many people said they'd been through it too, and I would never have known otherwise. When you feel up to it you may find support in your friends/ colleagues. I'm hoping you did last time.
Slowly, slowly...

[enlightenedbunny]

Thanks for the support girls - definitely helps to talk.

April - what you said about the sonographer strikes a chord unfortunately. Last time, they were great (last time I had partner with me too). She scanned me, finished, then talked to me like a real person, with honesty and sympathy. For the awful news that it was, it was delivered well, sensitively. Unfortunately, this time the sonographer was quite different (fair enough, different people are different). But what was awful to me was she initially didn't talk, seemed disinterested then said she needed to concentrate on the scan (cue alarm bells). She then stopped scanning but kept the probe in and started to tell me it was bad news. She told me there was no heartbeat whilst the probe was still in - and whilst I was devastated to hear it, all I could think was 'take the probe out'. She asked me if I wanted to see the scan and I said no as i just wanted the thing out. It was horrid - I felt de-humanised almost - and annoyingly I keep thinking about it. It bothers me that she did that, but also that I didn't say so and missed looking at my baby.