In need of a slap...

(12 Posts)
happyhow Sun 19-Jan-14 09:16:48

I found out on Weds that I'd most likely had a MMC. I should've been 11+6 and was measuring 6/7 weeks with no heartbeat. I'm having to wait until this weds to have another scan as the size of baby was borderline for developing a heartbeat even though I know this is physically impossible for my dates. I fully understand the reasons for having to do this but it's very frustrating when I know what the outcome will be.

So, the reason I need a slap... I'm a biology teacher and fully aware of the physiology behind pregnancy and miscarriage and teach about how you can't prevent miscarriage and it's because something had gone wrong. My logical, scientific brain is telling me this. Having been awake for 2.5hrs during the night, my tired brain is thinking of things that I've done that could've caused the miscarriage. I wasn't taking folic acid before getting pregnant and kept forgetting to buy pregnancy vitamins so was nearly 6 weeks before I started on them. Was there a neural tube defect that I could've prevented? I was also still breast feeding my soon despite knowing that could increase chances of miscarriage and it giving me cramps/making me really tired. I've had a miscarriage before and was advised by mw to stop immediately when I booked in - was 8/9 weeks by then. I was just caught up in the "must be breast fed/formula fed til age 1" stuff but he point blank refused formula.

So can I please have a slap to bring me back to logical thinking?! I KNOW it just happens and that's that.

DrSeuss Sun 19-Jan-14 09:55:13

So sorry for your loss. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You have just had the most terrible bad luck. I believe that miscarriages are Nature's way of preventing a child being born who would only suffer.
I hope you will have much happier news soon.

MrsBungle Sun 19-Jan-14 09:58:05

You don't need a slap - you need a cuddle

(((Hugs)))

You have every right to feel sad but as you know this wasn't your fault.

EducatingNora Sun 19-Jan-14 10:00:41

As I'm sure you know, the vast majority of mc happen because of chromosomal abnormalities. There is absolutely nothing you can do to stop a mc in these circumstances. Its not your fault. Really. And I'm very sorry for what you are going through.

nearlyreadytopop Sun 19-Jan-14 11:15:22

Def no slap from me. What you need is time.
I think all the thoughts you have are perfectly normal and natural. Take each one, acknowledge it but then use your knowledge to work through all the reasons why its not true. You are a scientist (as am I) so logic and evidence are your friends. In my case I needed a reason why it happens to me and since the medical profession couldn't give me answers I decided it must have been something I did.
There are lots of lovely people on here to give support and advice.

Armadale Sun 19-Jan-14 11:31:52

No slap from me either, I'm afraid...as I think you need a cuddle instead.

I'm so sorry, the waiting is especially awful, even when I've known there is realistically no chance a tiny bit of me still hopes and it is very hard until you know for sure.

Honestly, if you had been taking folic acid and not breastfeeding, your brain would probably just have chosen other things to worry about, I think it is a form of self protection. MC a wanted child makes you feel so utterly powerless that I think in a strange way the brains way of coping is to try and think it was somehow caused by some choice made, as it gives it the illusion of having some control, if that makes sense.

Things I have genuinely worried have caused me to miscarry (not the exhaustive list either, just the ones that come to mind right now): inoculations I had for work in the far east, the waist band on my jeans being too tight, the dog pulling on walks, working with the the laptop on my knees, the chemicals used to kill bugs sprayed in some of the places I have lived/worked abroad, being knocked around on the tube when commuting, hot baths, getting too cold, carrying shopping home, not getting enough exercise, working too long hours, staying in bed at the weekend all morning when knackered etc etc.

And I promise you I'm bright and (fairly) well balanced!!

Please, please don't blame yourself.

If it is confirmed you have had a MMC I would suggest asking for the pregnancy to be genetically tested-it has really helped me to see the results and how further development was just impossible in those cases. It gave me closure I feel I wouldn't otherwise have had.

thanks for you

happyhow Sun 19-Jan-14 14:58:36

Thanks everyone.

My brain has switched on again and I'm thinking rationally again now. It's the waiting that is doing my head in. If it'd been a normal miscarriage, like my last one, I'd not be like this. I'm usually quite pragmatic and understand the science behind it so I got a little upset, just accepted it and moved on. It's because it's hanging over me that I'm allowing myself to think like this.

My husband gave me a big hug and told me to stop being silly!

TeaRex Sun 19-Jan-14 16:25:54

It does suck, the waiting is salt in the wound. I kept taking my pre natal vits and didn't drink between my two scans 'just in case', madness, but felt I had to. I also keep analysing every little thing I did/said and to be honest as much as people tell you it's not your fault, and your rational side KNOWS its not your fault I think it's just an unfortunate effect of the situation that you'll always question.
The nurse said to me it's not my fault, there no reason and I said it would actually be easier (for me) to have a reason; ate the wrong thing, didn't exercise enough etc.

But just keep telling yourself what you know is right and get hugs off your husband when needed x

happyhow Sun 19-Jan-14 23:05:10

I went over my dates tonight as hadn't actually checked since the appointment and I've worked out I could be as much as 2 weeks behind what the midwife said (I'd never agreed with her dates anyway - why do they automatically assume a 28 day cycle even though you tell them you've never had a 28 day cycle in your life?!). Still doesn't tally up though. I guess you just want to hold onto any shred of hope...

Armadale Mon 20-Jan-14 12:22:27

Oh happy, the waiting is so so hard. What have you got planned till Wednesday- are you teaching/off work/have you got anything to distract you? I once watched an entire series of 24 in one day whilst waiting for a scan- it was total crap I'd never normally watch but was curiously brain addling at the time, which is what I needed.

I agree with you absolutely about the 28 day cycle thing, it is mad to apply that to women who don't have 28 day cycles. I find looking at the day I got a BFP much more helpful in working out dates, since I know there is no way I can get a positive before CD 24 at the very, very earliest, so this gives me a time frame to work from .

happyhow Mon 20-Jan-14 14:05:51

I've been off school since I had the scan last week. Had thought about going in on Friday but genuinely couldn't think about what I had to teach and wasn't sure if I'd keep it together all day. Had kind of planned to go in today as I'd only have one class to teach but I didn't want people asking why I was then going off again from this Weds depending on what option for treatment I take and I've not been sleeping well plus I've developed a stinking cold. School said I could take whatever time off I needed so I've taken advantage of that for once. I think, as a teacher, you feel so guilty taking time off and we're currently in the run up to prelim exams but I've learnt since having my son that it's a job and me and my family come first.

There has been lots of crappy tv and a few naps. smile Met a couple of friends for lunch and shopping on Sat and we had a very chilled out family day yesterday so that distracted me. I'm just so tired I'd like to know either way do we can move on!

Armadale Mon 20-Jan-14 14:38:20

I'm glad you are off school and looking after yourself. My sister teaches in a sixth form college and it sounds like the most gossipy workplace in the known universe!

I was watching Nashville on 40d on Thursday avoiding scan doom, total crap, hugely enjoyable, there are about 10 episodes of if on there if you run out of other tv. Sorry to hear about the stinking cold too <hug> surely more than you fair share to deal with at once x

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