I should have been 17 weeks pregnant

(21 Posts)
DriftingNameChanger Sun 05-Jan-14 23:36:16

I should have been 17 weeks pregnant now, nearly 18 weeks. We had planned on having an early sexing scan to find out if you were a boy or a girl.

If you were a girl I knew exactly which pushchair I wanted you to have. It has a big red bow on the side.

It isn't fair that I didn't get to meet you. It's even less fair that hardly anybody knows about you. Just close family and friends but to most people, you never even existed.

You existed to me, I had plans for us. You were going to be part of an amazing family and I would have loved you so much.

So many people are having babies at the moment, why couldn't it be me? Why didn't it work out for us? I'm not a jealous person but I feel so bitter and cold.

Your daddy is amazing, I feel like I've let him down though. He tells me I haven't but he loved you and the idea of you so much. He isnt as lucky as me because I held you inside me. He thought you may have been a girl, we'll never know.

So, tell me what do I do now? Carrying on as normal doesnt even seem an option because the slightest thing makes me remember that I lost you and that makes me so sad. Will I always feel like that?

What would you have looked like? I wish I could have cuddled you, just once. My heart aches knowing I will never cuddle you.

Everyone says im handling it well, taken it in my stride and I do handle it well until something reminds me that I have lost something so precious and irreplaceable and I wont ever get it back and then I ache, every muscle in my body tenses and aches as I try to hold the moment together because thats the only control I have.

I miss you, funny little blob and I am so sorry that I couldnt do anything to save you.

PaulaFletch14 Mon 06-Jan-14 11:27:53

Driftingnamechanger your post describes exactly how I feel. It's beautiful what you've written

I should be about 14 weeks now. It's so horrible feeling like this

Sending love and best wishes

DriftingNameChanger Mon 06-Jan-14 12:56:40

Paula I'm sorry you are going through this too. Yesterday was a bad day for me.

Mumsnet seemed a good place to 'let it all out'. I find it hard to let people know that it still stings. i had a missed miscarriage at 13 weeks, baby stopped growing at 8 weeks. This was a month ago and maybe i've been in shock a bit until recently, maybe i've buried my head a bit. I felt like I couldnt acknowledge how I felt because I couldn't cope with it. I'm hoping that the fact that i have acknowledged my feelings means i'm growing stronger. Feel stronger today and more like me.

Sending you love. smile

ZingChoirsOfAngels Mon 06-Jan-14 13:36:42

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

It's just crap.
the pain can be unbearable, sometimes I still find it hard to breathe when it hits me just how much I miss the little girl we lost in Oct 2008.

She was due on the 3rd May so every year we have a Pink Day to remember her.
we eat pink iced cupcakes and drink strawberry milkshake.

We named her Yasmin.
The morning I had to have the ERPC the sky was so incredibly think I told DH, then later our boys that it was like Yasmin's saying goodbye.

Now whenever we see a pink sky it's her saying hello.
DS4 even said that there's an evening setting on Minecraft when the sky is pink - he likes playing it because it's like Yasmin is playing with himsmile

She'll be always in our thoughts, just like your sweet little baby in yours.

Missing them will always hurt, I won't lie.
Broken dreams and "what ifs" will be always painful.
but I promise you that the pain will soften, eventually, and one day you'll find that you will be able to think about this baby without crying, but still with so much love that it will make you feel warm that she or he was with you at all, if only for a short time.

In the meantime allow yourself to grieve.
Crying is good for healing, don't hold back the tears. There are not enough tears you could cry and there will be always more - let them happen.

The one thing that kept me sane was that our baby was not to be born because she probably would have been too ill and in too much pain - and God didn't want her to suffer.
When I think about it like that it hurts a bit less.

Again I'm so sorry for your loss.
It's the worst thing.sad thanks

ZingChoirsOfAngels Mon 06-Jan-14 13:37:46

*incredibly pink

(not incredibly thinkgrin )

DriftingNameChanger Mon 06-Jan-14 14:46:01

Zing Thank you for your reply. I think it's lovely that you can remember Yasmin like that. Your son sounds brilliant suggesting that the pink sky in his game was Yasmin playing with him. It sounds as though you are a close family.

I'm just struggling to not feel bitter and jealous at the moment. I'm not jealous of people with new babies, well i havent really felt that yet but I get jealous of pregnant ladies and scan photos. The excitement and anticipation. Seeing people announce pregnancies on things like facebook and they always upload the scan photo. I feel jealous of their excitement. That makes me sound like a horrible person but I'm not really. Just being honest.

basgetti Mon 06-Jan-14 14:59:00

Hi Drifting, sorry you are going through this. I am in the same situation, even down to the dates. Should be 17 weeks now, had a scan a month ago at 13 weeks and found out baby had stopped growing at 8+4. This morning I got some post through about a baby event. I thought I had de-registered from everything so it was a bit of a shock and very upsetting.

I also know what you mean about jealousy. I have a relative who is due 4 days after my due date would have been. She posts every detail of her pregnancy on facebook and I'm starting to irrationally dislike her. She is lovely and has no idea about my miscarriage, and is rightly excited about her news but I may have to hide her for a while to save my sanity!

I hope you start to feel better soon xx

DriftingNameChanger Mon 06-Jan-14 15:34:12

basgetti That is exactly why I was down yesterday. Firstly I checked my emails and had a few from 'baby gaga' telling me my baby was the size of a honeydew melon and blah blah blah. It made me feel upset and disapppointed and like I had nothing to look forward to. I do, I have a lovely life and lovely people in it but I couldnt shake my mood. Then I logged on facebook and saw lots of pregnancy updates, maybe I was looking out for them more than usual.

I too have blocked a family member because the day after I had my miscarriage (she was aware it had happened) she posted 7 updates in 12 hours all of them baby related.

My kind side tells me that my miscarriage had made her think a bit and she was just posting about her pregnancy because she was grateful but the cold, miserable side of me thinks she must be a horrible witch to have done that, knowing I would see it. She has had her baby now and I dont feel jealous about that, it was just the pregnancy.

I have another facebook 'friend' who has found out the sex of her baby but is keeping it a 'secret from facebook'. Every time she refers to it, I feel like typing. "nobody actually cares!!" either tell people or dont. She had no idea I have had a miscarriage, so my anger towards her is totally unfair on her. blush

I am normally a tolerant and nice person who wouldn't be so nasty but I just cant find it in me to sympathise with someone who is moaning about not drinking on New Years Eve or how much their heartburn hurts or how they had to wait half an hour for their midwife to turn up. You are so lucky to even be able to moan about these things!!!

I am so sorry that any of us are going through this but it helps knowing that we are all in the same boat.

For me, some days that boat is on track, engine roaring and we've got a map. Other days that boat is leaking, lost and being circled by sharks.

DriftingNameChanger Mon 06-Jan-14 15:34:55

*not blocked, hidden. smile

ZingChoirsOfAngels Mon 06-Jan-14 15:35:14

no, you are not a horrible person drifting, don't say that.

you are a grieving mother.
some people don't recognise that it is what you are, which makes it worse.

wanting to hide in a cave and licking your wounds is what you want - so do it, if you can.
You must grieve in any way you "see fit".
If you want to shut people out for a while, that's ok.
if you want some to hold your hand - fine too.
if you go between the two - so what? There are no "rules" on how to process this, so you need to be selfish and concentrate on how you feel or what you want.

If people don't understand, you don't have to explain. nor feel guilty.

I suggest you see your GP and ask fir bereavement counselling.
Writing down your thoughts (here or in a diary) will not only help now, but one day, when it won't be so intense, you will able to look back and see how you felt and how you learnt to cope.thanks

Another thing, on the day Yasmin was due we planted a tree and weirdly a lot of the pain left me suddenly - I guess it signified "the end of the pregnancy".
Living through the weeks, thinking how far ahead I would be, when she would first kick or when we'd have another scan was something I did too.
it was like a cruel game I couldn't stop, it gave me some kind of morbid pleasure to imagine what should have been.
And - as opposed to a lot of women who try asap after a MC - that is what stopped me for even contemplating trying again until the due date.
getting to EDD ended that.

One day at a time is a good mantra. We had 4 chidren before her, 2 since and I'm pg again (sorry!) - but honestly hardly a day goes by that I don't think about her.
I will always love and miss her.

Sorry, I keep writing these essays - what I'm trying to say is that you need to look after yourself and each other.
It is awful now, and will be for a long time - that's unavoidable.
But it will get a little bit better and you will be ok.thanks

ZingChoirsOfAngels Mon 06-Jan-14 15:36:27

also I'm so sorry for all the other mums who are going through this. thanks

DriftingNameChanger Mon 06-Jan-14 15:45:59

zing Thank you, your reply is brilliant and gives me a lot of hope, as im sure it will to anyone else who may read it.

I've got children too and I get lots of comfort from them, they can make you smile when nobody else can. They made me strong.

Thank you for your brilliant advice. I'm going to re-read it again now. Take it in properly. You are right about their being no rules about coping, I hadnt really thought about it like that. thanks thank you.

DriftingNameChanger Mon 06-Jan-14 15:49:39

Oh and zing Congratulations on your pregnancy and I promise I am saying that with absolute sincerity. smile

Its comforting to know that you are strong enough to do it again and gives me hope that I may get properly strong again too.

ZingChoirsOfAngels Mon 06-Jan-14 15:57:29

Thanks, I know you are sincere!smile

I hope you didn't misunderstand the "morbid pleasure" bit.
Dwelling on what should be/should have been is something that is inevitable.
we can't help it.
I was overeating because I wanted my belly to grow as if I waa still pg.
(Don't do that. it won't help!wink )

I do hope I can be helpful and even more so that you will get to hold another one of your little babies in your arms one day.
(Google the term Rainbow baby - it will probably make you cry though).

I'm here for you.

DriftingNameChanger Mon 06-Jan-14 16:34:04

Thank you zing, no I understood you perfectly. smile thank you for your kind words.

CallingAllEngels Mon 06-Jan-14 18:22:11

This thread has made me cry (again - not the first time today!).

Drifting you put into words exactly how I feel. I would have been 18 weeks pg today if it weren't for my early mc at 6 weeks.

I'm 3 months post-mc and had to go back into hospital today to organise what I hope is my last blood test to give us the all clear.

I have to go inot work tomorrow and see my pg colleagues (one in particular is pg, doesn't know about my mc and is not very socially aware so goes on about it all the time - well, she did during her last pg). I'm dreading it.

And zing what lovely words. Congratulations.

I got pg straight away with DS after my first mc but this had dragged out so much.

Everytime I think I'm okay I get dragged back to hospital for another test/appointment and I'm awreck again. The wound isn't getting a chance to heal.

Just wanted to say, you're not alone drifting .

DriftingNameChanger Mon 06-Jan-14 20:20:11

calling I'm sorry you are going through this too. I can understand what you say about the wound being unable to heal. I feel like I'm winning and coping and healing and then I'll spot the hospital appointment that I wrote in my diary coming up or I'll find the pregnancy vitamins lurking in the kitchen drawer.

DriftingNameChanger Sat 11-Jan-14 23:40:54

Another friend has announced her pregnancy. I'm pleased for her but feel jealous at the same time. I have had a little cry and feel a bit better.

Came back to read this thread to try and sort myself out. When will I stop feeling like this about people announcing their pregnancies. Im not jealous of newborns, its just pregnancy announcements. sad

sorry to moan.

basgetti Sun 12-Jan-14 10:43:23

Hi Drifting hope you are feeling okay today. I'm struggling at the moment, lack of energy, can't sleep, low in mood. I coped quite well when I had the miscarriage and through Christmas but I feel like now that the busy festive period is over it has hit me properly.

I know what you mean about feeling jealous of pregnancies but not newborns. I seem to only be upset by people who are at the same stage I should have been at as they are going through what I should be experiencing. It worries me that once I reach what should have been my due date I will start to be jealous of newborns. I am desperate to start trying again but I'm still waiting for my period to come back. Feel a bit stuck in limbo til then.

And moan away if it helps! I get a lot of comfort from lurking on these boards. Reading about others going through the same thing validates my feelings which is vital to counteract some of the crap insensitivity and lack of understanding I'm dealing with in the real world!

I hope you start to feel better soon and will be thinking of you. x

TeaRex Sun 12-Jan-14 11:44:28

Hi Drifting, you've not long posted on my thread, I've just been reading other threads and recognised your name. I'm so sorry for your loss, your first post is really touched me, I keep looking at my daughter and thinking if the new baby would have looked like her or been completely different and it's biter sweet isn't it, every time she smiles it's lovely but then breaks my heart as I know I'll never see that with this baby. I have to admit I've also hidden a couple of friends on Facebook who's babies are due just before mine, I feel okay about it at the moment but I just know I'll really struggle nearer the due date. I hope that the pain lessens for you soon and remember that you feel what you feel, you can't consciously change it and you shouldn't have to, you're grieving and I really believe with all grief that it doesn't lessen so much but you just adapt and get stronger. I can't wait to feel like that as I'm sure you can't but you can't pick a date for it, you'll just realise one day that you're able to cope a bit better everyday, I hope it comes quickly for you (and everyone else). Zing, your words are lovely too and give me great hope x

DriftingNameChanger Sat 15-Feb-14 13:34:58

I've just received a baby gaga email notifying me I was 22 weeks. Made me think of this thread and all of you. How is everyone?

I'm still struggling a bit. Some days are perfect, I dont even think about the miscarriage but other days I feel empty. I dont know what triggers these days, hormones probably.

I have developed a horrible bitter streak since the miscarriage that I am fighting to control. It rears its ugly head with every single pregnancy anouncement and its like pushing back a galloping horse.

The good days are good but the bad days are horrible. DH seems to be coping so much better than me. Strange thing is that usually I am the tough, strong, suck it up one in the relationship. I think, if im honest, that I am resentful that he has been able to file the whole episode away and carry on. It still feels very raw and bitter to me.

I feel like I punish myself because sometimes, if im very upset, I toy with the idea that DH didnt ever want the baby and he's glad I lost it. This is complete fiction and I dont know why I do it. He has given me no reason to think this but I do, sometimes, on the black days.

I struggle with the fact that nobody knew about my baby. I feel like I havent shown the baby the respect it deserved because I have tried to carry on with life and not draw attention to what's happened.

Despite everything above, the good days are good. I have some amazing friends and family around me and I know deep down I am coping. Just some days are a battle. I'm just trying to be as honest as possible.

My love to you all smile

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