Just want to talk about my miscarriage

[Hedgehead]

Just wanted to voice a few things about my miscarriage that I don't feel I can do elsewhere. I thought I was 15 weeks pregnant and going for first scan. My DH was very excited but we were told the embryo had died at 8 weeks. I didn't really feel anything at first even though I cried and DH cried too and I thought by that afternoon I was over it and I would move on and try again... Oh no.

Because I went for a scan in a different primary care trust, the PCT I am registered with required another scan before I had a D&C. I had the scan and they agreed there was no heartbeat but they told me they would have to scan again in a week as I could be lying about my LMP and trying to get an abortion "through the wrong channels."

So I walked around with all this inside me for a few days until two days before the second scan I started bleeding. At first it was like a period but then it turned into proper contractions and heavy clots. The bathroom was like a murder scene, I could just not contain the blood as it was coming out. In the time between finishing one pad and reaching to put another one on there was blood all over the floor, on my hands, I was reaching for the tap to wash it off then it was smeared all over the basin.

DH was asleep and just did not understand. By the early morning I couldn't stand up without passing out and so called the doctor. He said you need an ambulance straight away. I refused at first then he said how else are you going to get to the hospital? So we called an ambulance and it was so humiliating. I had to walk out of the front of our house with blood all down my legs and all the neighbors were watching.

In hospital they basically said the gestational sac had become stuck and needed to be pulled out immediately. It hurt so much because they used the speculum and the pincers to open my cervix and pull all this stuff out. There were two of them shouting RELAX RELAX but I just couldn't it was painful and just so sensitive.

After this happened and I passed more clots and a little placenta I was inconsolable. It's so weird and I don't know why. While I was pregnant I was quite indifferent. It was the first time I my life I had ever been pregnant so didn't really understand, but when I saw what my body had done, what it had made, what it could have been, it felt devastating.

I've been ill afterwards... Terrible thrush, coughs, colds, crying all the time. I seriously do not know what is wrong with me. I also feel embarrassed. All the neighbors saw me with blood running down my legs, the few people who knew are very sorry but I just find how sorry they are very embarrassing.

I have had a lot of health problems in life and when I was pregnant I thought my body was finally functioning, finally doing something right - but turns out it wasn't.

I'd be interested in hearing from anyone with similar experiences or someone who can tell me I will normalize eventually.

[NorthernLebkuchen]

No personal experience but you poor thing. 'Missed' miscarriage like that must be such a torment. You sounds like you're a 'coper' to me. The sort of person who fixes things for other people? It's very hard when you yourself have things to deal with that you can't fix.
This will pass. You will physically recover and if you want to try again then you have every chance of carrying successfully. Your body DOES know what to do. It went wrong this time but it can go right.

[Parsley2506]

hedgehead I am so sorry that you had to experience this. Your story is just awful and no words will be able to cancel out what you've been through.
Thankfully, you've come to the right place for genuine empathy (not just sympathy) and support.

My own experience was traumatic, and has some similarities to yours (MMC, sent home to wait it out, had an ambulance called although thankfully didn't end up needing to go in to a&e).
It's a galling and violating experience to go through, and the emotional turmoil that kicks in makes you feel like you're going completely out of your mind but it can and will get easier to deal with.

That said, your experience sounds like it's left you in shock a bit and it might be worth looking in to counselling. How has DH been since it happened? Are you getting support from anyone else IRL? You don't say how long ago this happened but regardless of whether it was 2 weeks or 2 decades your emotions about what you went through are all valid and should be expressed freely. Don't worry about being normal, or thinking that you're not because you're still upset. MC is a life changer, whether we like it or not. It's just how it changes you that's within your control

Wishing you much love and support, please keep posting if you find it helpful

[Kasterborous]

Oh Hedgehead you sound like you have had a terrible time both physically and emotionally. In my experience miscarriage takes a long time to feel 'better' about. I find it's always with me but I've learned to live with it and it's not at the front of my mind. One of my miscarriages was at Christmas 2007 and last week I was feeling a bit miserable and couldn't figure out why at the time but it was remembering my miscarriage. It didn't spoil Christmas but had tainted it a bit. You may have been ill since because it really upsets all your emotions and makes you run down. One of my other ones they found on an early scan but was too early to know for certain I had miscarried and I had to wait two weeks to be re scanned to be sure. Those two weeks were awful, I knew I'd miscarried but having to wait those two weeks was torture. It does become easier to live with over time, but everyone is different there are no limits on it, you don't suddenly wake up happier one day it's a gradual process. You need to be kind to yourself and if you are having a hard day and feel like crying do.
for you.

[bakingtins]

hedgehead I am so sorry that you've lost your baby and been through such a traumatic experience. I had a similar loss in 2009 ending up with me in hospital having bits of embryo/sac pulled out of my cervix. It was very difficult to come to terms with the manner as well as the fact of the loss. The words staff use a traumatic times tend to stay with you as well. When you feel up to it I'd be tempted to complain about the 'seeking an abortion' comment. Whilst it is common policy to require 2 scans to confirm no growth at early stages (though not normally in an 8 week embryo which should definitely have a visible heartbeat to be viable) I have never heard of anyone being accused of seeking an abortion and that must have been incredibly hurtful.
You will get through it, but it's a process and it takes time. Give yourself permission to feel sad/angry/empty (and also to feel ok if you do) rather than trying to suppress any emotional response. Do some positive things towards physically recovering - rest, eat well, do a bit of exercise, and bolster your self esteem with a new haircut/clothes/massage - whatever makes you feel good. I think it helps enormously to have some rituals to say goodbye - light a candle, write a letter, release a balloon, plant a tree, choose a piece of memorial jewellery, buy a charity gift. If the hospital cremated your baby's remains there is often a book of remembrance you can write an entry for. There are also Saying Goodbye services at cathedrals around the country for anyone affected by pregnancy loss.
'Talk' on here, talk to a friend IRL, talk to the miscarriage association helpline....grief is like a millstone round your neck, every time you express the emotions, or take a positive step towards recovery, or do something in remembrance, a little of it is rubbed away until it's a pebble you can slip in your pocket. It doesn't go away completely, but it's not weighing you down.

[Hedgehead]

Wow, thank you for your replies. The best thing for me is having my feelings validated, which is what you all have just done. You are right I am a coper, I feel a lot more comfortable in dealing with other people's problems and tend to pack mine away in some hidden part of my brain until they come out again to bite me.

I need something to say goodbye, to let it go. It really surprised me how much tissue there was, I had rationalized it In My head the whole time thinking "oh this is just a pea... It's just an almond" but the structures, the tissue, everything... There was just so much. How could I have thought it was so insignificant?

I also started blaming other people in my head which is bad. My DH, my DH's best friend who lived with us while I was pregnant and had parties which stressed me out. I am sure my behavior and attitude towards them has changed slightly... They must feel it, without me having said anything. I know it's no one's fault.

[Gwlondon]

I definitely blamed other people for my miscarriage. Don't worry you have every right to feel angry. It wasn't anyone's fault but I think feeling angry is part of the grief.

I am very sorry this happened to you. No miscarriage is nice but you have had some horrible things happen on top of it. I have had two miscarriages and the things I learnt in my first helped me with my second but I still learnt a lot the second time round. You have no idea what to expect, it is such a raw physical and emotional experience that you just can't prepare for.

For my first miscarriage I bought a dress. For my second I am going to buy some jewellery. The dress is my way of remembering my loss and it helps me.

Lots of love

[Mikkii]

I had a missed miscarriage which was detected at my 13 week scan.

I had suffered with early bleeding and had 2 early scans at the EPU. These scans indicated the foetus was growing, but didn't tally with the date I got my positive pregnancy test result (which was Christmas Eve so not one to forget).

After I was told I had a MMC, I chose not to wait as I was fortunate enough to have private medical insurance. I wasn't rescanned. I had the scan on Friday, consultant appointment Monday, ERPC on Tuesday.

Although I'm sure you are embarrassed about your neighbours seeing you on the way to the ambulance, but I'm sure most of them were sympathetic.

Try not to beat yourself up.could you be anaemic? That may explain why you have been picking up bugs.

[Hedgehead]

I am going to go to the doctor and check for anaemia. I also need to stop drinking. I got very drunk after it (after not drinking for 3 months) and have drunk every day since (not helping the immune system or the thrush.) There is just a part of me that feels worthless which has been brought to the fore by this happening. It was buried somewhere and now it is more vulnerable.

Did anyone hear the Rod Stewart song Forever Young on one of the Christmas adverts this year? It struck me when I heard it the lyrics are every parent's wish for their child and it made think I REALLY want to be a mother: May the good Lord be with you down every road you roam. And May sunshine and happiness surround you when you're far from home. And may you grow to be proud, dignified and true, and do unto others as you'd have done to you. Be courageous and be brave, and in my heart you'll always stay, forever young.

[Kasterborous]

Hedgehead even though it feels like it will never happen at the moment I think it will happen for you. If it's any even minor consolation we had six miscarriages before we had our daughter when I was four months from turning 40. It feels right now for you that you never will be. I have been in a very black space at times after my miscarriages and it took me a long time to feel better, every where I turned there were pregnant women and babies and I think I cried nearly every day for four months. It is a horrible place to be at in your head. Please keep posting if it helps you, and feel free to PM me if you want too.

You are not worthless, it was not your fault, hard to not blame yourself I know, but if stress and being scared stiff of being pregnant caused miscarriage no one would go on to have a healthy pregnancy after miscarriage. When I found out I was pregnant for the seventh time with what turned out to be DD I sat and cried for an hour solid, I wasn't excited just resigned to the fact it would all go wrong in four-six weeks. Luckily for us that one didn't.

You do whatever you need to do afterwards to get you through. It will be worth seeing your GP like you said, I was sent for counselling after one of mine, it helped a bit to talk to a stranger about it. I wish I had know about Mumsnet then.

Be kind to yourself you aren't worthless you have just been through a massive physical and emotional trauma.

[Forester]

I'm sorry to read what you've been / are going through Hedgehead.

I've had two MMC's though both dealt with by ERPC so didn't go through the trauma that you faced.

I can relate to being tempted to try and behave like you would when you are not pregnant - but I certainly overdid it after my first MMC as I didn't appreciate that my body had still gone through at least part of an experience. So do try and take it a bit easy and relax - as much as is possible at this.

And it will take you a while to get back on an even keel - and there's nothing wrong with that so don't give yourself a hard time.

[Forester]

Sorry meant pregnancy not experience

[purple84]

So sorry for your loss, any loss is terrible but to go through such a traumatic experience as well, there are no words.
Be kind to yourself and remember to grieve xx

[Binxy79]

Hi all I have taken great comfort in reading these posts,hedgehead I am so sorry for your loss and know exactly how you feel! I had my 12 week scan on Friday and was expecting to see a moving lovely little baby,sadly our baby wasnt moving and they told me it had no heartbeat!our 2.5 year old daughter was with us too as we had no childcare so she didnt understand,the whole thing was so traumatic,I then had to wait for someone else to check and they agreed,they said the baby had stopped growing and possibly died a week ago!clearly i had no idea as had no symptoms and still felt pregnant!I was then taken to a room and told to wait for a dr who would discuss things with me,my husband had to go back to work and I was left to wait in a room with my daughter for 40 minutes before someone arrived! She was v clinical and gave me forms to fill out about the surgery I would need most of it was irrelevant and even asked was there a possibility I could b pregnant!!surely they could've left that question out in the circumstances!whole process was very cold! I was then told to return on Monday am to have the op (erpc)
The following morning my waters broke in my kitchen and the horror of my miscarriage began! It truly is the most horrific thing I have ever been through so much blood,liquid and huge clots,made me feel very faint and couldn't get off the toilet. After a few hours this was still going on and I started to feel terrible,my hubbie called out of hours dr and the lady was v kind,she called a paramedic out and they were there in about five minutes! The guy,kip was v nice and really tried to reassure me,my condition deteriorated quite rapidly and an ambulance was called,they took me in the ambulance to st helier and that's when it all got worse!
The staff there were not as nice as the ambulance staff!i was taken to the loo to get a urine sample I passed out n the nurse was like ooh we better get you a dr!saw a dr an they moved me to a room instead of a cubicle. I had so many people come in and ask why I was there as they hadn't bothered to read the notes!this made both of us pretty angry! Eventually a gynae dr came to see me she said she was going to have a look but didnt tell me what that entailed,she removed my underwear and pad and then put in a speculum and started pulling pieces out of my cervix!!it was agony n v upsetting as I didnt know what was happening! She was like am I hurting you,I said of course and she said why hasnt anyone given me any morphine!total loss of communication!they then stopped and gave me drugs and started again pretty horrific!and awful for hubbie to watch they didnt prepare either of us!after all that they moved me to a ward where I was left essentially alone to await a dr to decide if I needed surgery or not!they kept me nil by mouth and hanging on all night! The next morning a lady appeared and took me for an ultrasound which was traumatic as reminded me of Fridays scan!i didn't want to see anything! There was some stuck and would either go home to come out naturally or do surgery,I just wanted it over!so had the surgery yesterday and am now home!the whole thing couldve been so much easier if the staff were nicer and caring and if they had done the surgery sooner rather than letting me go through all of that!
To say I am upset and traumatised is probably an understatement and now have an upset tummy too which isn't helping,its very hard to go from being pregnant and excited about having a baby to just being empty! I hope one day we r lucky enough to have another baby but I think I will be terrified that this will happen again! My little girl is keeping me sane but I feel so rough and feel bad I can't b there for her when she needs me! Sorry for rambling,just thought it might help to get it out and share with others who understand xx

[Parsley2506]

Binxy, words cannot express how awful that must have been, I am so sorry you and your DH had to endure that.
I am sure it's all too raw and recent now but you should absolutely complain about the treatment you received. It won't bring your beautiful baby back but it may help stop another woman going through the same.
I hope you are getting the rest and recuperation you need now, there's a lot for you to process but just know there's always someone here to listen.