Men and miscarriage(23 Posts)
My DH came home from work yesterday and told me he had been chatting with some guys at work. One was really cut up because his wife just lost a pregnancy. DH (I don't mind him doing this) gave some advice and comfort. Then another guy overheard and cam over, said his wife had lost 3, then had DC1, then lost 2 more, then had DC2. They had a convo about TTC and how terrifying it must be for the wives (i.e. us!).
DH said he had to advise the guy about 'being sad for himself' v 'understanding his wife would be x10 as sad, scared etc' which was interesting. He explained looking back he was 'a bit rubbish' at my first loss and wishes there was more advice out there for men.
Really interesting - don't think I've heard of men having this kind of chat before. Such is the taboo.
He's emailing the Miscarriage Association his story now.
I had a m/c 13 years ago. I hid behind DP at the time and he was the one who told everybody. I didn't realise how much it affected him until 10 years later when he broke down in tears about it.
I would completely agree that there is a lack of support and advice for men with respect to miscarriages and pregnancy loss. Well done to your DH for being supportive of his colleagues. I hope something comes of his email!
I agree that I think men are less likely to discuss - my DH only found out that a friends wife had had three MC's after he had to cancel meeting up at short notice and gave the reason why (me having an ERPC).
Yes it's a sorry state of affairs. Mind you many men won't go to the doc for their own health (especially depression etc') so there must be massive social pressure.
My DH did discuss our mc's with men from work including his boss because he had to explain rushing out of work and having days off etc and they ended up sharing their experiences.
I think this subject is taboo with both sexes until it is mentioned, because that is when you hear the stories of everyone else, only after I spoke to people about my mc's did people start sharing their experience, it almost becomes overwhelming how many people go through at least 1 experience of mc.
I actually found it difficult to talk to some family members about it after my 1st mc because they would change the subject even though I just wanted to get it all out, so I ended up not telling them about my next 3 mc's because I thought they didn't want to hear about it, the main family member that did it to me was my mother.
Just had a mmc at 12 weeks. DH has been amazing and the one who has told people, looked after DD etc. Also been very open about his own loss and sadness. Sometimes I don't think there is space given for men to be able to be sad and shocked by what they have to go through, as well as what they have to watch the person they love suffer i.e the physical act of losing a baby.
I'm so proud of him and amazed how he keeps himself together for me and our DD.
Looks like lots of DHs/ DPs out there are unsung heros.
My DH was wonderful when I miscarried. He told a lot of people, because I couldn't. He was my rock, literally supporting me. Even now, many months later, he's still wonderful about it.
I do think miscarriage is still a taboo subject for both men and women. wrongly so.
When we had our second miscarriage, (which we found out about at our twelve week scan, after seeing a heartbeat at a nine week scan), my DH started crying immediately, I didn't straight away. It was the first time I'd seen him cry. Not hysterical sobbing, just quiet tears. A few days later he really cried, I just held him. Then we went on to have a further four miscarriages, then the next - and second time - I saw him cry was at the birth of our DD in March last year. We supported each other through the tough times.
My OH was my rock during and after my mmc (11+4) but now that I'm miscarrying at 5+2 he's saying it is no different to a peroid because it was so early and that it was never a baby. I don't know how to feel about this reaction. He thinks I'm making a big deal out of nothing.
P.S. It has only been 3 months since the mmc and that was my first ever pregnancy....so I feel I have a right to be devastated again....if not more so.
Of course you do Ruggle it's bound to bring back all the memories of the first time. Perhaps this is justn his way of trying to deal with it. I know that doesn't make it any easier if you don't feel the same way.
So sorry for your loss.
My DP didn't handle things very well with my MC and as far as I'm aware hasn't discussed it at all with anyone apart from me. He didn't know what to do with me either which left me feeling somewhat unsupported.
OP I wish he had had someone like your DH to talk to but his friend are just not like that and he works with all women and wouldn't have dreamed of discussing it with them. You are lucky he sounds like a great guy.
Ruggle once you get that BFP it's your baby regardless of how long. A loss is a loss your DH needs to understand that.
Oh ruggle I'm so sorry to hear you're miscarrying again I hope your DH sorts himself out and is there for you. You must be devastated.
My DH was my tower of strength at our mc back in Feb. Once I was better he talked about it and said from the start he had never had a good feeling. Right now I may or may not be 11 weeks with our second after a scan at 7 weeks that I can only describe as ambiguous beyond belief! He was on the most part mainly positive but the last week or so I can see he is really affected by it all. He struggles when he sees how ill I am with what I hope is morning sickness and the underlying anxiety that all might not be well. He's worried that if it does go wrong he'll feel at fault for having been so positive. It's an incredibly difficult time. But we make sure we talk it through with each other as often as possible. And sometimes he just wants to be left to sit quietly. It's very difficult for men as I don't think they want us to see what they perceive as weakness. He doesn't want to talk about it at all right now which is tough as I want his positivity!
Ruzzle I am so sorry sounds like his reaction is a protective mechanism.
Ruggle sending you hugs...
My dp was absolutely useless when I had a mmc last February. It changed our relationship forever. He was with me when I had my 12 week scan & it was discovered the baby had died.
He didn't come with me for the second scan.
He didn't come with me when I had the ERPC. I sat waiting for him after I had the operation. I never felt so alone in my whole life.
As awful as it sounds the only reason I didn't throw him out was that I knew I wanted another baby asap due to my age.
Im pregnant now & I know he disagrees with my plans for the birth. He knows im a stronger person because of what I've been through & I know I wont get the consideration I want. So I've become better at pleasing myself... sad but true!
When I had my first msc my dh-then my fiancée-was pretty useless. It turned out to be very complicated-it was a molar pregnancy and I ended up having to have chemotherapy for 6 months. He just didn't know how to handle it and just buried his head in the sand.
We then lost our frist dc at 24 weeks and tbh it nearly killed us both. I quite literally had a bit of a breakdown and I felt dh just didn't care but looking back now I know he felt he had to be the strong one and carry on.
We have only talked about it a little as we both find it incredibly painful bit I know dh resents me for not taking his feelings into consideration at this time
When I had my first miscarriage one bachelor chap at work told me that his sister had had a miscarriage a few months before and he hadnt been able to talk about it with anyone. He felt a terrible sense of loss - he'd been so excited about being an uncle, and then ... nothing. We cried in the kitchen together - he for his loss, me for mine. We forget sometimes that men can find grieving very difficult, and 'being strong' for others sometimes hinders that process.
This is an interesting thread. I just had a 2nd miscarriage a few days ago. I ended up haemmoraging, had an epileptic seizure and blacked out. My husband called the ambulance and I wound up in A&E on an IV drip and had a D&c. I feel weak still but relieved I am still in one piece. My husband on the other hand was terribly frightened. I do tell him he did everything perfectly and handled the whole ordeal so well, but I am nervous he is trying to be so strong and deep down he is going to be traumatised for a while. Any advice how you would comfort him?
r2d2 so sorry for your loss and to everyone else on this thread too.
With my dh I just tried to remember to ask him how he was on a daily basis, this gave him a chance to talk to me if he wanted.
I know that my dh always said the worst time for him was when I had a general anaesthetic for my d&c, he was so scared he would lose me too, so r2d2 I would imagine that your dh was a nervous wreck not knowing what was happening to you and worried he would lose you as well.
Hope you have a speedy recovery and remember to grieve x
Thanks Purple. You are right: he must have been so scared as I was unconscious for a long time. Will make sure I check on him regularly. He does not normally discuss things like these for too long. I am feeling ok at the moment. With it being my 2nd mc, I kept my expectations low, so I am just relieved I didn't bleed to death. One day at a time I guess. Thanks for your kind words again.
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