Very upset by eprc this morning

(55 Posts)
Handsfullandlovingit Wed 16-Oct-13 15:54:56

I sadly lost my baby at 11 weeks. With other kids, the surgical management seemed sensible as could schedule parents coming from miles away to hold fort for a bit, bless them.

I am surprised by the sheer devastation of losing this tiny bean. I was doing so well, the odd wobble but being very brave and practical. Everybody was so kind, until I got to the anaesthetic room. The anaesthetist sailed in, huge grin on his face and happily declared "so, you are here for an abortion". I crumpled, sobbing to the assembled (aghast) medical team that we desperately wanted this darling baby, and begged him to read his notes in the future before coming in.

He didn't apologise, kept on smiling and changed the subject (later, the sweet surgeon was really apologetic) . Then he tried to get my drip in, repeatedly demanding I calm down and relax. It took a couple of attempts and I went to sleep and awoke sobbing.

How dare he. I chose this route to minimise distress. I am going to complain to the hospital. I suppose I'm posting this to check that it wasn't a terrible misunderstanding, does abortion have a medical meaning I'm unaware of?

On a positive note, the procedure and the anaesthetic were really fine, apart from dickhead anaesthetist. I am snuggled up with mild cramps and can have more ibuprofen soon! Thank you for reading, sorry to grumble.

Forester Wed 16-Oct-13 16:16:22

How awful and I'm glad you are going to complain. I don't know how the hospital distinguishes between the two (I assume they use a different term to ERPC) but certainly on the two occasions that I have had an ERPC it's been clear that the medical staff are aware that I'm there due to having had a MC.

Also his attitude was inappropriate even if you were there for an abortion as he would have had no idea why you were opting to have one.

I'm sorry he's made a tough experience even tougher.

flowers

eurochick Wed 16-Oct-13 16:18:14

That's terrible! Whether an abortion or ERPC, he should be more sensitive. I'm glad it was physically ok, at least.

nancerama Wed 16-Oct-13 16:22:24

Hugs, OP. What a doubly awful thing to happen. It's amazing how much you can miss someone you never met, isn't it?

Every time I've had GA, I've been asked to think of something lovely as I've been knocked out - it's always the first thing you think of when you come round.

Contact PALS and make a formal complaint. Even for women who choose to terminate a pregnancy it is never an easy decision. What an insensitive pig.

HeathcliffeItsMe Wed 16-Oct-13 16:22:30

I am sorry for your loss and that you had to cope with such insensitivity as well. I agree that you should complain.

Handsfullandlovingit Wed 16-Oct-13 16:37:09

Thank you all, so sorry for those who have also one through this.

Handsfullandlovingit Wed 16-Oct-13 16:37:24

Gone...

Luisa72 Wed 16-Oct-13 18:15:36

That is awful. Please do complain. So sorry that you had to be on the receiving end of that especiallly when so vulnerable just before surgery. I dont think I'd have been able to cope. All the best in your recovery. I'm a week in after surgery and much much stronger now.

Bakingtins Wed 16-Oct-13 19:18:16

I'm sorry, handsfull the wrong words when you are vulnerable can really sting. I think historically miscarriage and spontaneous abortion, or surgical management/surgical abortion were synonyms. The miscarriage association has done a lot of work to try to change the conventions to more sensitive language. Even ERPC is one supposed to be called SMM (surgical management of Miscarriage)
I hope he felt bloody awful and just didn't have the balls to apologise, but do complain. Being treated well at a difficult time can make all the difference to your feelings about it longer term.
I'm very sorry for your loss and I hope you are surrounded with love and kindness as you recover.

Purplefrogshoe Wed 16-Oct-13 22:23:44

im so sorry handsfull, how.awful, i would complain, i did so after ERPC in july and felt better for it as i was assured changes would be made and it wouldnt happen to anyone else, sending you a hug

Letticetheslug Wed 16-Oct-13 22:36:59

oh, you poor thing, how insensitive!

My mum was put into a ward with 'girls in your situation' (she was 29!)she had a -desperately wanted- baby born at 26 weeks (in 1956) and was put into a ward with 2 women who had had elective abortions. Things should have moved on in the last 50+ years. Please complain, women should not still be going through this. She still cries about it nearly 60 years on.

ZingDollyChops Wed 16-Oct-13 22:54:00

thanks

I'm so sorry that you lost your precious little baby.sad

it's the most devastating thing I had to go through 5 years ago.(literally, she died on the 17th Oct)
I miss her everyday and I know how heartbreaking what you are going through is.

I'm shocked at that "treatment" and the insensitivity, what a dickhead!
you poor thing, no wonder you are distressed about it - on top of what is already a very painful experience.

I'm pretty sure that an abortion refers to terminating a pg where the embryo/fetus is alive.

ERPC is different in many levels, but both should be handled with respect.
you should complain when you are ready

but for now I think you need to give yourself time to grieve over loosing this baby.
try to look after yourself and take care.
(hugs)

Pawprint Thu 17-Oct-13 07:33:49

That's shocking - I would complain. I had a nurse ask me, just before my ERPC, if I had no children because I "didn't like them". Weird.

katieks Thu 17-Oct-13 11:20:00

In medical textbooks miscarriages are often referred to as 'spontaneous abortions'.

Doesn't help your situation, but you should have given him an earful (but perhaps after the op as I would've been worried it might have affected him).

123jasmine Thu 17-Oct-13 17:10:26

Hi,

Abortion is the medical term for miscarriage. Abortion can be natural(as in a miscarriage), chemical and surgical. So, probably he wasn't diplomatic enough but I don't think he tried to insult you.

Shroomboom Thu 17-Oct-13 17:20:16

So sorry that you're going through this, it's so very sad sad

My first thought on reading your op was is he a native English speaker? I live in Belgium, and have had three ERPC's and friends who are not English mother tongue referred to them as abortions. I was really shocked when I first heard them saying this, but accept it's just their lack of correct English that was showing.

However, I would've thought that because of the nature of his job, your anaesthetist should have known the correct terminology, and realised that saying that to someone who has just lost their longed for baby is terrible. I would certainly complain - even if you don't hear anything back from the hospital it might just stop someone else having to go through the distress that was caused to you.

I really hope you recover physically as quickly as possible, and just give yourself time to come to terms with what's happened. The more losses you have the harder it is. My heart goes out to you xxx

I'm so sorry for your loss. sad
Please complain, his attitude and insensitivity were awful.

I had a similar experience during my ectopic pregnancy, I was shown the baby (I know that's not the correct medical term, but it was my baby to me) on the scan and told, there's your baby, see the heartbeat.

I thought at that moment that it couldn't possibly be an ectopic as they surely wouldn't show me/talk like that and so I asked ''so the baby might make it?''....''no,no, it will be removed tomorrow'' :O

Next day when I went for the confirmation scan with the actual sonographer I was asked (after about 5 mins) ''do you know why you're here?''
I confirmed that I did and was told ''well, you don't seem very upset''

I still think about it and wish I had complained at the time, wouldn't change what happened but maybe would have stopped the people involved doing it to someone else.

loveandsmiles Thu 17-Oct-13 17:36:04

I am feeling for you OP. I am like you, in that I chose to go into hospital for procedure rather than miscarry naturally, due to already having DC at home and needing to know what was happening and when. My goodness, this was 6 years ago, but remember it like yesterday. I was sobbing in the theatre but staff were lovely and very understanding. However, I woke up on a ward where other women had just given birth, it was so awful.

Some people just have no thought for others feelings. I was surprised at the amount of people that referred to the baby as if he/she were nothing ~ he/she was my much wanted baby who I still think of........

mineofuselessinformation Thu 17-Oct-13 17:47:28

Very insensitive, and yes, I think he should apologise - but set this to one side until you are feeling stronger and are more able to deal with it. The man is an arse.

Bunbaker Thu 17-Oct-13 17:58:23

What a dickhead. Unfortunately, the medical term for a miscarriage is spontaneous abortion, but it is not an abortion in the common definition of the term.

I hope you feel better soon flowers

Handsfullandlovingit Wed 23-Oct-13 00:03:29

Just an update. I'm back in hospital a week after Erpc. More bleeding and pain, bloods showing beginning of an infection. I'm on antibiotics by drip, and will have another Erpc tomorrow. I have had jollier weeks. I can't sleep because I'm next door to a very cross newborn. What fresh torture is this? I will be in at least 2 nights this time

ZombieZing Wed 23-Oct-13 00:06:04

oh sweetheart, that is just shit.
poor you! sad thanks

(hugs)

Handsfullandlovingit Wed 23-Oct-13 00:13:46

Thanks Zing, its nice to know someone's out there! Hope you get some sleep soon. X

TheOldestCat Wed 23-Oct-13 00:19:04

Oh you poor thing. I hope the antibiotics kick in very soon and you feel better. Can't believe they have put you near a newborn. How insensitive.

Thinking of you.

Handsfullandlovingit Wed 23-Oct-13 00:33:03

Gah, having mini meltdown. I asked for earplugs, got given some gauze to make some out of. There are no spare rooms. I keep thinking I've run out of crying. I want to go home!

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