Best present for a friend who miscarried?

(16 Posts)
sleepylion Thu 03-Oct-13 20:39:49

Hello all, in need of some advice.
My friend recently had a painful miscarriage. Actually she discovered her baby had abnormalities, most likely downs by worse that that too. She and her husband made the heartbreaking choice to terminate. She took the tablets, prior to going to hospital, to start thing off. But the baby came out at home, resulting in them both looking at their baby and giving her a ceremony, then a burial in the woods. Its such a sad story. It really affected me. I felt so helpless as her friend.
Inbetween time she has been cared for by her husband. She also had a birthday, but I was unable to attend. I told her I'd do something nice together with her. Some days have passed and I'm stalling it, because I feel stuck for ideas. I am a single mum, very tiny bank balance. But i'd like to do something with her that will be gentle and enjoyable. I know she's not up to much fun right now. What shall I do? Or what can I give her as a present right now?
I was thinking of a movie, but I don;t think she'd be up to it. And a movie could spark some emotions that she's not ready for right now. So what?
Does anyone have any ideas to recommend?
I feel so stuck and time is ticking. Soon it will be too late.
I hope someone can help.
thanks!

AnnaBanana101 Thu 03-Oct-13 20:43:45

My friend recently miscarried and I didn't get anything as didn't want to give her something to remind her what had happened. However I wrote a nice message offering my support etc. in the end she just wanted to be left alone. She definitely didn't want gifts. Depends on the person I suppose.

LadyGooGoo Thu 03-Oct-13 20:44:44

Could you go for a walk/ hill climb etc? I think getting out and seeing some beautiful scenery and a giant cream tea, could be quite therapeutic...getting away and blowing away the cobwebs.

Obviously this could be her idea of Hell, if so, best not smile You sound a lovely friend

AnnaBanana101 Thu 03-Oct-13 20:45:36

Oh just seen it was her birthday too. Maybe just get a normal birthday pressie, whatever you would normally get.

LadyGooGoo Thu 03-Oct-13 20:46:37

Sorry, I assumed this was a belated birthday present...don't think I would have appreciated a present for miscarrying

LadyGooGoo Thu 03-Oct-13 20:47:10

Continual X post fail grin

Amrapaali Thu 03-Oct-13 20:47:58

I don't know sleepy- I had two painful miscarriages, both resulting in surgery. At the time, i wouldn't have been able to spend time with even my family, let alone friends. I just wanted to dig deep into the ground and hibernate for a couple of years. Everything was so raw.

I wouldn't worry too much about a present, at this time. Just be with her, take her out for a coffee and cake and let her do the talking. Or if she just wants to be quiet, go with it. A couple of gentle questions to see if she wants to open up, otherwise just talk to her about general things, the world at large.

A couple of months down the line, get a present of something that she will love- a luxurious scarf, some nice chocolate and give them on a day when she is not expecting anything really. Not anything on the anniversary of the miscarriage.

But you are a lovely friend to think about her. She is lucky.

StitchingMoss Thu 03-Oct-13 20:48:56

Yes I would get her something that doesn't last - so a meal or walk or something. Nothing permanent that would remind her of her loss.

Pawprint Fri 04-Oct-13 15:07:26

I actually bought myself a necklace with a silver heart on it when I lost my first baby to m/c. I wouldn't give her a movie as she might not feel like watching anything.

A friend of mine gave me a very small, satin heart - a bit like a pin cushion but just for decoration. I really appreciated that.

Your friend will appreciate your thinking of her, that is the main thing.

BlushingMom Fri 04-Oct-13 16:33:18

Its 9 days since my ERPC and its my birthday next week. Right now I do not want anything for my birthday or to do anything for my birthday. The nicest thing anyone can do for me is bring cooked food for my family or have my son over for a playdate. Or take and fetch my son. Anything that free's me up from my normal day to day responsibilities. Last week I even had a friend do my sons homework with him and that helped.

headinhands Fri 04-Oct-13 20:50:13

Having had a friend go through this do what you can practically with childcare/housework for her.

lighthousesea Fri 04-Oct-13 23:56:35

I bought a rose following my mc.a very kind friend bought me some bulbs to plant in the garden which was. Rey thoughtful and sweet

andadietcoke Sat 05-Oct-13 00:01:40

I shut myself away post-mc. Didn't want to talk about it, just wanted to get through it and move on. I cancelled my birthday. No presents, no meal out, nothing.

However, everyone deals differently. Be led by her.

picklebum2011 Sat 05-Oct-13 20:07:35

My friend brought me and rose bush after my second miscarriage and everytime it flowers I feel like its my baby saying hello, the smell is beautiful too. I think to me it was a lovely thought. I also was brought chocolates which i found comforting. Every one is different, you know your friend the best go with gut instinct.

justhayley Mon 07-Oct-13 00:44:12

I recently mc my friend gave me a lovely bunch of sun flowers and a card with her own beautiful words. It was a lively gesture and really appreciated.

littlealpaca Fri 11-Oct-13 13:52:01

I had mc number 4 last month and friends of ours sent some sunflowers which were beautiful and felt right for me as I was so miserable.
the most lovely thing my friends have done is to just come over and hang out with me and keep me company. And walk the dog. And not talk about it. And just be normal with me.

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