First off, I hope I'm not intruding here, and I'm so sorry for your losses.
I got the awful phone call tonight that one of my dear friends has lost her baby boy at 33 weeks. She's going to be induced, they've given her a pessary and sent her home until tomorrow.
I don't know what to do for her. I only saw her on Saturday, and felt him moving around and making his mummy very uncomfortable.
I want to do something, I've text her and told her I'm here if she needs or wants me, but is there anything I can do without being asked/told?
Practically, she lives 30+ miles from me, and so dropping in meals daily isn't something I can really do - I have a toddler and a baby myself.
I wondered about maybe buying him an outfit, as they won't have anything that will fit him? But I'm so scared of hurting her.
Also, I will check with her if we are invited to attend his funeral, but I know more than likely she'll say it's fine - would it be very upsetting for me to take 9mo dd to it? I wouldn't if we had any family here, but we live 300 miles away from anyone. If it would be too awful, I can try and pull in a favour from a friend.
Your poor friend I lost my dd2 at 33 weeks 4 years ago. I was in shock. Does your friend have any other dc? I really needed people to be normal for dd1 while DH and I tried to deal with it. Practically I couldn't engage with anything public so food shopping was impossible. Being on my own was hard. I followed DH around all the time. I couldn't do anything. Except talk about her. Friends phoned. Some of the best phoned every day and if I couldn't talk they said ok and phoned the next day. Others came and held my hand and cried too. Maybe a blanket or a little card or toy to go in the coffin would be appreciated. Not flowers though.
Does that help or is it just rambling? I did find babies impossible for quite a while so that's tricky but accepting she may be struggling should help.
Hi bunty - I would call her. If she doesn't feel up for speaking she just won't answer. But she needs to know you're there if she needs you, and a phone call makes that commitment more than a text. From my own experience of grief (though I've never lost a baby at that late stage), it was the people who were prepared to talk to me about it that helped the most. If you are invited to the funeral though, I wouldn't take your 9mo - they're unpredictable and it may be that seeing a baby is the last thing she needs right now. Also it'll show that you're completely there for her, not distracted by your own DD. Also, I know it's obvious and you've probably done it. But send her a card, write her a poem, tell her your thinking of her. Cards and words of sympathy can be such a comfort in these initial stages of grief. Take care and so sorry for your friend.
So sorry for your friends. I haven't experienced a late loss but a good friend did and I felt so powerless to help. I would be surprised if you are invited to the funeral, I would expect it to be just the couple or their immediate family, but I think taking a baby would be inappropriate if you were. Call in a favour so you can be there to support her, not preoccupied with your DC. I'd also be wary of buying an outfit, I would think what he wears is something v personal his parents will want to choose. The hospitals tend to have tiny clothes for these situations. See if there is anything practical you can do (maybe letting other people know if they don't want to keep retelling? ) and just be there for the long haul.
From a practical point try and arrange a visit when you can leave you DC behind so that you can focus on her. You'll need to be guided by her as to how soon she would want that visit but maybe around the time her DH has to go back to work. (I'm assuming she would be taking longer off work).
But it will help her that she has friends like you.
I've not had a late loss, but something that helped with my mmc was a friend emailing or texting everyday asking how I was, not asking for a reply, just saying 'how are you today? Did you sleep ok?' The 'today' was important as it gave me permission to feel shit without putting on a brave face.