Hope you don't mind, but I am delurking after nearly four years in and out of this forum, since I suffered the first of five miscarriages in 2009. I?ve since had another early one, two mmc discovered at the 12 week scans, and an ectopic pregnancy last year. I never posted but got so much support and good advice from reading other threads and others? experiences. So many of the stories ? and my own ? really broke my heart, but in a bizarre way it helped to know that I was not the only one and that my experience, though hideous and desperate, did not make me abnormal or a freak, just very very unlucky.
My husband and I had every test available to us, but nothing was ever found to be wrong. In my darkest times, I really despaired that anything would ever get better. I felt like I was always waiting for something to happen to me, and it was almost always bad. We couldn?t bring ourselves to call it a day and accept that we wouldn?t have children, but the monthly rollercoaster began to control our lives. Eventually, I had some counselling, which really did help and I absolutely encourage you all to seek it if you haven?t already. I genuinely think it saved my mental health, plus the positive action of actually doing something ? rather than waiting for things to happen to me ? really made a difference.
I did other things, too: I supported MN?s Miscarriage Code of Care campaign by writing to my MP, who introduced us to the midwifery team at our local Trust to improve miscarriage care and support in this area. Fortunately, I?ve not had to use it since, but it felt really good to be helping improve things for other couples suffering the same trauma that we had. I also set up a baby loss support group at work (I?m a civil servant so in a big organisation), and have been helping others in my position (i.e. providing ongoing support) plus offering support and advice to women (and men) suffering baby loss for the first time. Although it is draining work and I am always so sad to find someone else suffering, I have found it cathartic to finally take something positive from my experience.
Last year we conceived again and I am so pleased to report that my sixth pregnancy is now seven weeks old and burbling away to himself as I type. I don?t know what, if anything, made the difference. Perhaps we were just lucky this time. But I know that being proactive and doing things, rather than let the trauma control me, made a massive difference to my emotional health.
I always hated it when people told me to 'hang in there' because they just knew it?d work in the end 'if you just stay positive and keep trying'. I just wanted to scream in their faces 'HTAF do you know that, you ignorant $%£&?!' So I won?t say that. The one thing I will offer is the only thing that ever really helped me: good or bad, nothing lasts. Whatever life throws at you, it will pass and you will cope.
Best of luck to you all; I wish only good things for you.
So glad to read this, I have a very similar story. Four miscarriages, all first trimester, one an ectopic that didn't need removal of fallopian tube but I had to have two operations.
Tests done - nothing showed up except severe chromosomal abnormality in fourth pregnancy.
It was absolutely horrendous and, like you, I thought my mental health would go I had counselling too and found it really helpful.
Fifth pregnancy - everything went fine and my son is now 11 years old. We stopped at one child because I didn't think I could go through it all again. I am so lucky - I am thankful every single day for my miracle.
Thank you Lemony, that's a great comfort and many congratulations on your new arrival.
I particularly feel reassured that you also wanted to scream in people's faces (I still feel a lot like that - I've had 3 mcs this year, and people round here are soooo nosy).
I am gradually coming to terms with it. I've had my referral today for Lesley Regan in London and I think I'm ok with hearing "there's no reason for it". I'm trying to focus on dd and treat her as a one and only, and look at the benefits of having just one (its easier to take just one dc round the world).
Its helpful to think that the grief and bitterness I feel (and feel bad for feeling) will pass