Wish I didn't have to join you here

(14 Posts)
JoniR Wed 14-Aug-13 19:31:03

Thankyou Bakingtins. I think you've got some good ideas there. If it had been a girl we were going to call her Fuschia, I've just spoken to DH and we're going to go to a garden centre tomorrow and buy a fuschia bush for the garden. I think that will probably help us both.

Ruggle Wed 14-Aug-13 19:27:35

Oh Joni it is so awful and we have all felt terrible dispair so you are not alone. I am two weeks out and the first week is just terrible, but honestly I am feeling so much better now. A bereavement counsellor is a really good idea.

Bakingtins Wed 14-Aug-13 19:10:35

Oh Joni sad well done for stepping back. That's not weak or stupid. You've been tempted back to an old behaviour pattern in a time of great stress, but you were strong enough not to start the cycle again. Getting some counselling is a good idea. You will get through this, but I think the only way is to treat it like a bereavement and give yourself permission to be grieving. Is there something that would be a more positive outlet for your feelings? rant on here, write a letter or poem, plan some sort of memorial for the baby ( tree, plant, jewellery, release balloon, light candle) Don't try to put a brave face on it, the feelings need to come out somehow.

JoniR Wed 14-Aug-13 18:12:47

Apparently I'm not coping as well as I thought I was. I was a self harmer in my late teens and I've just spent 15 minutes sitting on the bathroom floor with DH razor in my hand. I snapped out of it and I've asked him to hide his razors and scissors. It's really shaken me, I haven't felt like that for over 15 years. I'm going to book an appointment with a bereavement councellor as soon as I can. I kind of hate myself right now for being so weak and stupid.

Bakingtins Wed 14-Aug-13 07:57:46

Hey Joni hope you are doing ok. It's such a horrible experience to be awake at silly-o'clock losing a much wanted baby and feeling alone. I hope you did manage to get some sleep.
Gecko thinking of you today. If it helps your peace of mind ask for a confirmation scan before the procedure and see for yourself there is no heartbeat. You need to be sure it's the right thing to do or it may trouble you later.

JoniR Wed 14-Aug-13 00:43:12

It's horrible isn't it. I'm glad to hear your hospital can fit you in quick, mine wont see me until Monday. That's why I'm so relieved that I'm passing it naturally. I don't think I could have waited until monday and stayed sane. My thoughts are with you for tomorrow, I hope all goes well.

WanderingGecko Tue 13-Aug-13 23:08:46

So sorry for your loss. I had almost exactly the same experience today at my 12 week scan. Baby died at around 7 weeks but my body shows no signs of giving it up. Only stopped having morning sickness a few days ago. Going for surgical management tomorrow. Would have been today but traffic accident took priority in our hospital. Never thought I'd grieve so over someone I never met and never came into being. I'm devastated. Keep wondering, "what if they are wrong and just didn't see the heartbeat?" Hugs xx

EssieEttie Tue 13-Aug-13 22:04:06

So sorry for your sad loss Joni.

Souredstones Tue 13-Aug-13 21:01:15

Oh joni so sorry you are going through this

JoniR Tue 13-Aug-13 20:12:36

I'm ok, started passing it naturally this afternoon. It's actually a huge relief that it's on it's way to being over. My sister managed to track my mum down for me and got her to call me. Nothing that she could say really but I feel so much better for having spoken to her. Thankyou for the kind thoughts.

Ilovemypajamas Tue 13-Aug-13 19:51:40

Hope you're doing ok Joni. Did you get in touch with your mum yet? Thinking of you and sending hugs.

JoniR Tue 13-Aug-13 09:12:21

Thankyou. Just rang them, they're making appointment and ringing me back within an hour. This is all just happening too fast. This time yesterday we had so much to look forward to, now I feel like we have nothing. I know it'll pass and each day will get easier but right now it's so hard. And I can't get in touch with my mum. She's on holiday and doesn't have mobile turned on and I really need her.

Bakingtins Tue 13-Aug-13 07:31:27

I'm sorry Joni this is the club nobody ever wants to join. We all have a rubbish reason for being on the board, but there is a lot of kindness, hand-holding, practical advice and hope for the future here.
For what it's worth, I think there are big advantages to having an ERPC in terms of getting the physical process over with. I hope they can fit you in today and that it marks the start of your recovery. You must feel you have not had any time to process any of this emotionally, but that can come later. flowers

JoniR Tue 13-Aug-13 07:23:52

I found out at my 12 week scan yesterday that I miscarried at 8 weeks. Got to decide how to manage it now, although it looks like my hand may be forced. This is due to the fact that I feel like I may be developing an infection, feel tender when I sit up and tender when I put pressure on tummy. Feels almost exactly the same as when I had an infection after loop excision a couple of years ago. Going to ring maternity unit in a bit and fully expect them to call me in for surgical management.

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