Sad to be joining you all

(59 Posts)
Souredstoneshasasouredpebble Tue 06-Aug-13 16:26:13

Found out today that my baby stopped developing a week ago at 8 weeks and that it no longer has a heart beat.

I've rung the ward to say I've decided on the surgical management option to get things 'over' but at 3:50 apparently the clerk had gone home and no one could make a note of it so I have to call In again tomorrow.

I have had heavy bleeding for a while now but a scan confirmed I've not passed any of the pregnancy.

How will I know if I have?

What am I to expect for the near future other than a lot of tears?

Fancies40Winks Mon 02-Sep-13 19:28:47

I do sometimes get a bit queasy before af but not normally that bad. I have had sex a few times so its not impossible. I would love to be pregnant again but don't want to get my hopes up! (So I'm not letting myself think that the big streak of brown blood I had a couple of days ago could be an implantation bleed. Because I'll just be disappointed.)

I have been dealing with people neglecting their children today. I was red hot with rage.

JBrd Mon 02-Sep-13 15:53:41

fancies That doesn't sound good! Do you normally have this when AF is coming? Or is there a chance you could be pg again (or more bluntly: do you want to be)? It's not unheard of...

soured I'm glad that your boss and GP are so understanding and forthcoming to give you another week off and then a phased return. I just had two weeks off for my miscarriage, and even though I thought I could have gone back after the first, in hindsight I'm really glad that I took them both. Today is my first day back, and I'm struggling more than I expected - not physically, but emotionally.
And I have a bone-dry office job, I can't begin to imagine what it would be like having to deal with other people's problems shock I'd probably bite their head off, to be honest, as my tolerance threshold currently appears to be zero (as poor DH and DS had to find out recently). Really can't deal with anything remotely complicated at the moment.

Take as much time as you can get and do nice things for yourself! I treated myself to a massage and a pedicure while off for the mc, and it was heavenly. Miscarriages really take it out of you, on every level. Every little helps.

Souredstones Mon 02-Sep-13 09:19:53

Oh no! I hate dry heaving!!

My job is basically listening to people's problems all day and then trying to solve them for them. It's a great job but high stress.

I've been signed off for another week with instructions to go back next week to be signed onto a phased return to work, my GP has also referred me onto counselling.

Fancies40Winks Sun 01-Sep-13 17:35:54

I'm doing ok soured. I've been a bit under the weather recently, I was dry heaving in the toilets yesterday morning and my breasts have started to ache already so I think my period is coming soon amd am trying to not think I might be pregnant again already - it's highly unlikely.

What is it you do? The first few days back were hard and I was shattered but now I'm glad I went back and got things edging back towards normal.

Souredstones Sun 01-Sep-13 15:49:42

Hi ladies, how are you? My scan should have been Thursday just gone and I had to get out the house to take my mind off it. Like fancies all I could think about was "we should have been telling everyone today" it's crap.

So sorry to hear of your infection jbrd that's the last thing you need!!

My sick note runs out tomorrow and should be going back then but spoke to my boss yesterday and due to the nature of my job she wants me to go to the GP and get either signed off again or signed to a phased return as its such an emotional job she's worried it will make me ill in the long run so doesn't want to risk it. I need to talk it through with the GP really.

Urgh. It's all a bit crap really.

JBrd Thu 29-Aug-13 10:10:43

Hi Fancies, my 12-week scan would've been next week... It's so sad and unfair.

I think I'm almost scared to go back to work, after having lived in a bit of a bubble for the last few weeks. Yes, I had a lot to deal with, but once the mc had taken place, I've been pushing everything away a bit. But have to go back to a 'normal' life some time.

Hope that you can manage with your grief. This may sound patronising, but from experience I know that you do learn to live with it. There will be set backs, no doubt, esp when someone announces their own pregnancy or someone has a baby. Just take one day at a time.

Fancies40Winks Thu 29-Aug-13 09:10:41

Hey JBrd. Sorry the infection is adding insult to injury. I went back to work last week and it was surprisingly hard keeping up a normal front.

If my pregnancy had worked my 12 week scan would have been yesterday. I ought to be making all the happy phone calls today.

JBrd Thu 29-Aug-13 08:26:16

Soured, how are you? Hope you're managing...

I'm ok, didn't have to go for the medical management in the end, the first round of drugs was enough. Passed the sac last Thursday, which was the day I was scheduled to go into the hospital for the next round of induction. They confirmed it was the sac and sent me straight home again, I was so relieved I didn't have to stay.

Still off work, I managed to pick up an infection and am now on antibiotics - they do work, but make me so tired. Hoping to go back to normal soon...

Zumbasmyfave Sat 17-Aug-13 09:10:09

Hi soured
I was so sorry to read what of you are going through. You must feel numb about the news of not needing the op.. I hope that knowing that will allow you & your dh to start healing.

I went for my dating scan on Thursday for my 1st pregnancy and to my utter shock & horror there was no heartbeat & the baby had stopped growing at 8 1/2 weeks. Me & dh are devastated & can't imagine feeling normal again.

I hope that you & ur dh are able to make some positive plans for the future & look forward to something nice. I know this has turned your whole world upside down & it's grieving for what will not be as well as what you've lost. Look after yourself.

Hugs xxx

katatonic Fri 16-Aug-13 11:49:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JBrd Fri 16-Aug-13 08:46:46

I agree with baking - don't try to belittle your own loss and grief. It's is right here, right now, and it's yours to deal with. Regardless of what happens to other people.

I had never so low before in my life before I experienced my first miscarriage. It seemed like a bottomless pit that I was trying to climb out of, but couldn't find the strength to do it.
And that's OK. Don't feel that you have to bounce back immediately, because you just can't.
And remember that grief comes in many different ways - for my first mc, all I could do was sit at home, watch some mindless DVD box set, or sleep (never underestimate the power of sleep!). For my second, I attacked the garden with a vigour that I'd never found before for gardening - it was so therapeutic, hacking away at bushes and trimming hedges, but also planting lots of new things. And I baked for England, 2 breads almost every day.

And please don't hate your body, soured. I know it feels like it has failed you, but it really hasn't, in fact, it's doing what it's supposed to do... I know it doesn't feel like that at the moment.
Treat yourself (and your body) to something nice - a facial, massage, manicure etc. Just be kind to yourself. And on day at a time.

Bakingtins Thu 15-Aug-13 08:29:35

There is always someone who is worse off than you. That doesn't invalidate your feelings. Don't try and push the feelings away, they will come back and bite you on the bum some time later.
Someone posted on here a while back that getting over a loss is like "Going on a Bearhunt" "you can't get over it, you can't get round it, you have to go through it"
By all means do whatever cheerful or self-caring things help you to feel better, but accept that this is a shitty thing to go through and that some of the time you will feel terrible about it. The bad feelings will recede with time, it is still very recent for you.

AhoyMcCoy Wed 14-Aug-13 20:41:03

Soured (&Joni) yes- I kept thinking the same too. That my loss was only 11 weeks and so many people suffer 'worse' - stillborns & losing children. But that's not right, and that's not how to think. You can't always minimise your problems- you are grieving, and rightly so.
You don't just love a baby the day it's born, you love it from the moment you know it's growing inside of you, and losing something you love so much (and sometimes feeling responsible for the loss too), is an absolutely awful feeling.
No- one expects you to get over it, or man up. Take your time, grieve, be kind to yourself.

For me, talking about it helped. And last weekend, me and DH went away together to the seaside, which felt really 'medicinal'. It was like we were us again. I planted sunflower seeds too, and they are sprouting already and it's great to watch them grow. Do something that makes you smile, and don't feel guilty in moments of happiness. flowers

JoniR Wed 14-Aug-13 20:31:30

Soured please don't be so hard on yourself. I've thought almost exactly those words in the past. What you are feeling is completely valid and you have every right to be feeling it. I can't say any more than that I care and that I'm thinking of you.

Souredstones Wed 14-Aug-13 15:17:08

Damnit I need to man up. There are people out there dealing with worse, going through worse than this. It's not right I should be this upset when they have worse to be dealing with.

Souredstones Wed 14-Aug-13 14:54:09

I seem to be feeling worse not better, how does that work?!

JoniR Tue 13-Aug-13 21:30:28

I'm sorry to hear that you're having a tough time. I'm emotionally exhausted but feel better than I did this morning. I think I've got through the shock and I'm beginning to accept it. It's heartbreaking but I refuse to let it break me. Sending you love and hope. Look after yourself.

Souredstones Tue 13-Aug-13 21:05:23

Hi All,

How are you today? Sorry to hear your news joni

I'm doing really not very well today, time seems to be making it harder for me as the hormones leave my body my ailments all return and the physical pain now comes back.

I have so much hatred for my body right now it's unreal.

JoniR Tue 13-Aug-13 11:10:09

I completely get the need for intimacy. I discovered that I've miscarried yesterday and last night I really wanted DH for intimacy and also to feel anything but what I was feeling. I hope you're managing to keep occupied. I'm attacking the garden today, hacking branches with a saw is proving to be very therapeutic.

Souredstones Mon 12-Aug-13 23:17:52

I keep hitting send too soon!!

I hope you are all keeping well and that life is being kind to you all

Xx

Souredstones Mon 12-Aug-13 23:16:40

Pain sucks

I'm keeping myself amused by playing 'avoid the in your face in laws' who DH had 'kindly' arranged for me to see tomorrow...I cancelled the day bit but sadly can't avoid dinner with them.

I'd rather be at work than be round there and that's saying something because work fills me with dread even though I'm signed off.

katatonic Sun 11-Aug-13 13:58:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fancies40Winks Sun 11-Aug-13 13:35:41

Aw love, well done for braving the name change.

DH has gone back to work today, first time since the bad scan almost a fortnight ago. Luckily a very good friend has come up to look after me. I can't quite cope with being alone just yet.

Souredstones Sun 11-Aug-13 13:27:37

Oh that is crap about the scan appointments sad mine came through with all my booking in paperwork and the EPU said they will cancel it all for me.

I don't want to start ttc until after my next period either. The sex issue for me is literally just a 'better' cuddle and not sex sex iykwim. I dunno.

I get where you're coming from about nights being worse. It's when the head starts mulching through it all and then you realise how much it hurts and that everything you've done that day has just been about distracting you.

I hurt today. Just looking at the pain on DH's face hurts me. We will come through it though, just needs time.

Fancies40Winks Sun 11-Aug-13 10:02:54

JBrd that sucks. Mine was waiting for me when I got back from the epu last week. I'm assuming the midwife part of the hospital has been updated now...

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