Struggling with MMC - old fashioned advice on pgy; trying again/nutritional stats

(6 Posts)
skylark101 Sun 28-Jul-13 06:39:56

I've found this board so helpful in recent days - thank you to all for the comfort and support. I shd be 11 weeks pregnant on Monday but started bleeding slightly on Weds, a scan on Thursday showed no heartbeat and everything much smaller than it should be for my dates and have since started bleeding in earnest. Im oscillating between knowing i'll get through this horrible time and hopefully conceive again, and that im lucky to have my DP who has been great and gorgeous DD nearly 2 who cheers me up no end. And complete despair and desperation. It was such a shock and I was so looking forward to this pgy and a sister or brother for DD in Jan/Feb.

I'm wondering if anyone can help me with two things in particular:

1) I know everyone says it is nothing either of you did. But I can't help feeling that i was dashing around like a madwoman in the first 12 weeks. I just assumed the pgy would be trouble free like my first and did my normal thing of working a lot (work FT and was finishing off one job before starting a new one), dashing home for lots of childcare as we were between nannies, carrying my lovely daughter q a lot as she if she didnt want to walk (no idea how much she weighs now but she is big like her 6'3'' dad and im a small 5'4''), breast feeding her several times a day / before and after work - hadnt yet decided whether/when to give up before no 2 arrived and love the attachment. Plus whilst i was overjoyed to be pregnant i didn't slow down to really connect with the baby and was worrying (completely stupidly as in the scheme of things it doesnt matter at all) about what it meant for job moves.

I need honest advice and views please on whether it is important to to slow down in order to protect a pregnancy, particularly if you are a bit older (im 40). Now of course Im thinking about the more old fashioned advice our mums had and thinking that must be there for a reason for that and wishing i had heeded it and rested rather than doing my normal thing. When i write it all down it looks stupid to lead the first 12 weeks of a pregnancy you are desperate for in this way. I was just so sure it would be fine and so relieved to have conceived whilst still BF. Also, unhelpfully, cross with DP for not helping me with this as when i would say i was tired and needed more help he would say how knackered he was(!) and i kept having to tell him that the first 12 weeks of pgy are particularly tiring and more so than a normal man day...

2) I've read lots of threads about how it is fine to try for no 2 after your first period (or before bar the ambiguity on dating). But is there anything in the theory that your nutritional status gets depleted by having started a pregnancy. And to have the v best chance of a healthy pregnancy you shd rebuild your health and nutritional status, ideally over a couple of months? I think this is what groups like Foresight recommend? Also read somewhere that WHO recommend (??) waiting 6 months but may be imagining that. I wouldnt wait this long given my age. But Im wondering why they say this if they do. Does anyone know about this side of things pls?

Thank you. Thoughts and hugs to anyone going through this painful time.

jellyandcake Sun 28-Jul-13 06:54:48

Sorry for your loss. I really don't think that being busy would have caused this. I miscarried just short of six weeks and would have been 13 weeks now so also looking forward to a Jan/Feb baby. I have been through lots of ways I may have caused the miscarriage, but what I've read suggests that the majority of miscarriages are caused by chromosomal abnormalities and so there is nothing you can do about them.

My Dr said it would be fine to try again straight away but I've been ill repeatedly with minor ailments - tummy bug, colds, flu-like symptoms etc so I think that I'm not in the best shape and do need to let myself recover a bit - mainly emotionally as I have been very down about what happened. Like you, I also have a toddler and take a lot of comfort in him. Some people have no problems i conceiving again straight away - you just have to do what's right for you.

Don't feel guilty or blame yourself for being busy. In my first pg I didn't know til I was about 7 weeks and had done all sorts of things which aren't recommended and was absolutely fine. This time I did everything right and I lost it anyway.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do next and I'm very sorry for what you're going through.

Bakingtins Sun 28-Jul-13 19:27:44

Hi skylark I'm v sorry you lost your baby. Nothing you did caused this. A healthy baby will stick in there through famine, flood and pestilence (or fatigue and 2 yr olds). It's natural to want to know why and to lay the blame at your own feet but this was really not your fault.
I should have had a Jan baby too but had MC4 instead. I'm taking the summer off TTC whilst we have some more tests and am getting fit and looking after myself, but I'm doing it for me, not because I seriously think it affects my chances.
I'm 38 so well aware that I do not have the luxury of delaying too long. I think there is something to be said for waiting at least for one period to let the hormones settle and a decent womb lining form, though I know of plenty of people who have conceived without a period and been ok.

CorporeSarnie Mon 29-Jul-13 12:10:04

Hi skylark, sorry to see you here, I think I remember you from the ttc while bf thread, where I popped on occasionally and lurked more often.
I also lost a baby a week ago, I was only 5 weeks but still hurting. I have been through every way in which I could be culpable (it was very hot in my office that week, I had a massive deadline so couldn't take a major break, I was still having a couple of cups of tea a day, I was still bfing....) but ultimately I know in my heart of hearts that had all been OK I'd still be pg, it is just hard to take. It is the loss of hope for that pregnancy that is hard to take.
If you want to try again straight off, and feel well enough physically and mentally, go for it. I feel like crap at the moment, have not yet come to terms with it (and am still bleeding), but think I need some time to deal with how I feel before I move on. I am like you concious of the march of time, but plenty of women do have perfectly healthy babies over 40, and pregnancy is hard at the best of times, so take the time to replenish your physical and mental reserves if you need to.

squizita Tue 30-Jul-13 12:09:41

So sorry for your loss. Normal lifestyle - even a busy one - cannot cause early mc. The embryo is tiny and deep inside the body. Causes are things like DNA problems, blood thickness or even something like it implanted in the wrong way... Nothing a woman can help at all! Its horrid in that it leaves us in the hands of fate and a bit helpless... But nothing is anyone's fault. In our mums day they wouldn't even be sure they were pregnant months 1-2. Hence advice tends to be for threatened problems further along (although still a bit inaccurate - male docs were incredibly coy back then! Working class women carried on, and their rates of mc weren't higher than others).

Most docs suggest that with early mc you can start trying soon after. Nutritionally, in the UK we are well fed enough that we can - but if you've had a tough mc (blood loss etc) you might want to chat to your go about iron levels.

I would recommend contacting the miscarriage association - they have very sound, very clear advice and its reassuring.

skylark101 Thu 08-Aug-13 20:53:09

Dear all, thank you so much for your posts which helped reassure me and know i am not alone. Im sorry for what you have all been through, in many cases far worse than me. Im through the physical side of the mc now. It happened quite quickly and found contractions v painful so thank god for A&E who were v good. But emotionally still quite up and down which is inevitable im sure. I think we will give it a cycle or so and then hopefully try again so trying to think positive. Wishing you all so much luck and baby dust.

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