I need to say some things I can't say irl

(24 Posts)
Chubfuddler Wed 03-Jul-13 12:18:14

I agree. I get a bit uncomfortable when I see people posting publicly on FB that they are 6 weeks pregnant, not because it upsets me of even because I remember that it did upset me, but out of fear for them. They clearly entirely expect that positive line is going to turn into a baby. Great and it probably will but I fear their apparent over confidence makes them vulnerable in some way.

squizita Wed 03-Jul-13 12:03:20

I sometimes get worried by the phrase "it's not fair" because society kind of associates it with people 'not behaving fairly' (selfishness) and this is totally different. It's FATE not being fair, and it's part of our grieving process. I've been on online boards where I kid you not there were serious discussions about asking supermarkets to screen off babycare aisles, how women who have bad backs/itchy bumps should be 'told not to scratch in public' etc'- with no forward thinking to once the TTC started again for them (well, in one case I was told TTC was selfish as I hadn't mourned long enough. angry I just thought F--- u and got outta there). I left those boards because to me, it was like instead of accepting these feelings as the psychological impact of miscarriage and grief and seeking support/care to lessen them, it was like it was being rationalised into "us and them" as if not miscarrying were some kind of selfish act.

Irrationally, our grief makes us angry with people over things they have a complete right to e.g. a right to be pregnant and healthy as possible, a right to rub or scratch their bump if it itches, a right to be excited... I have just got the all clear to TTC again (bar ONE blood test) after a very complex MC. You know what scares me and makes me feel angry in anticipation? If I was lucky enough to get to the bump stage and heard anyone saying anything which I KNOW we all say here amongst ourselves. Kind of like what baking was saying but in advance... you just don't know. One of my most facebook-vocal-about-babies friends is very vocal because she overcame cancer and went through hell and back to have the ONE child she will ever be able to have. It actually scares me to TTC, knowing I'll be going for check ups and ladies in there, I know will be thinking "why is that selfish woman coming in here" not knowing the reason.

And we have a right to feel sad and envious, we have a right to care under these circumstances whether medical or emotional care. But also I feel a responsibility to protect other people - as far as I can- from the pain of miscarriage (whether they go through it or not). And part of that is biting my tongue. Just because I will never be skipping around taking bump photos and being innocent of what an ERPC means, doesn't mean it would be "fair" to rob anyone else of that innocence. I am very vocal about how common MC is and where to get help if it happens. But I am really, really careful how I do that. What would I gain from blowing up and shouting "well I've had 3 MCs and a Molar... did you know you can lose a baby and it turn into pre-cancer did you??" to some woman? Nothing. But it could destroy much more than a friendship, it would mean one more woman feeling that sick feeling of fear every scan.

I am sorry op, you are right that it is not fair.
At least tell your mum how you feel - the bits that wont hurt her. And ask if you can have the bootees as they were precious to you.

Chubfuddler Tue 02-Jul-13 19:45:33

I remember going out for a meal with my brother, SIL, mother and husband. We had been trying for nearly two years, they had recently conceived first month of trying. My brother, who is not a bad person, was wittering on about what a shame it was their baby would be an August baby and that they would have waited a month or two if they had realised they were that fertile.

I sat stabbing myself in the hand with a fork under the table to stop myself punching him in the gob.

I love my brother. I love my nephew. And his sister, my neice.

I love my own two little miracles even more.

But I can still feel my chest contract when I remember that meal. I actually wanted to throttle him.

You are not a bad person. You are grieving and I am very very sorry.

PinaColadas Tue 02-Jul-13 19:39:10

Today must be a day of positivity because I too had a positive moment with SIL sending her a message apologising for being quiet and asking how she is. Onwards and upwards eh? wine

Trinpy Tue 02-Jul-13 14:04:02

squizita yeah that's why I'm not sure about telling them what happened to me. In my mind I've gone over and over how it would feel to send an email to my db detailing everything that has happened, explaining how I felt when I got their badly-timed news. It makes me feel great to think about it because I can imagine them feeling really bad and really guilty. Another part of me though, imagines their perfect happiness and I don't want to taint that with my own misery. If they want to visit during the pregnancy then I will deal with it then, but right now Im not fully in control of myself and, given half the chance, would probably say anything to hurt them.

Still haven't said anything to my mum. Keep meaning to but can never get the words out. She hasn't mentioned anything either though, which is good.

Still feeling shitty but I'm coping. Was in boots yesterday and saw one of those mum-to-be pampering packs and rather than feeling sad, thought maybe I will send one of those to sil later on in her pregnancy. This is the first time in the past week that I've wished anything but total misery and pain for my dsil, so a big step forward for me!

pina so sorry for your loss. I know exactly how you feel and it's awful. I don't think you can ever forget something like this, but we will get back to our usual, nicer, selves eventually thanks .

squizita Tue 02-Jul-13 09:55:48

Clearly not your DH's n yours ... Sorry iPad typo.

squizita Tue 02-Jul-13 09:54:56

Basically what baking said.

It is grief, it will become less raw. It's ok to feel that way and really healthy that you recognise it as irrational ( some people try to rationalise that the pregnant woman is spiteful or something, how great is their pain, it breaks my heart). I have heard once the baby is born and clearly not your DH it gets less painful as the connection is somehow different. Hope that's how it works out for you.

As said up thread, feel the feelings and rant online whilst it lasts. Once it has faded (and I hope it will) that will avoid future upset. No one deserves to feel guilty for being pregnant (after all that's what we want) it would just be the horrid misery of miscarriage spreading further to more people.

PinaColadas Mon 01-Jul-13 23:05:51

Bakingtins, agree on the dropping fag ash on bumps, when I was going into hospital for my second scan to make sure complete miscarriage I passed a heavily pregnant smoking outside and nearly nutted her.

PinaColadas Mon 01-Jul-13 23:03:51

I'm massively relieved its not just me that feels this way. BIL's GF is 2 weeks behind what I would have been, I had MC at 12 weeks, really didn't want to see them at all for the foreseeable future, got in tonight and they were at our house, I was devastated, I wasn't ready to see her at all it's only 2 weeks since and it's really set me off again, I was getting there.
I was so angry at DH for not warning me, I would have avoided going home. They knew I was PG and didn't mention anything although understand it must be awkward. Finding it so so hard. It would have been MIL's first grandchild and I must admit I was jealous when they announced it straight after us, how stupid I was to feel like that, look at me now!
I've never felt anything like this before its like Deamons in my head but I just can't help it. Hoping it will pass in time.

Bakingtins Sat 29-Jun-13 17:04:03

Hi Trinpy I'm very sorry you lost your baby. The way you are feeling is very normal and working through it is part of the grieving process. I'm getting a little better at it after 4 miscarriages. The announcement that my SIL is expecting her 3rd child weeks away from the date of the one I've lost recently hit me hard at the time but I've moved on fairly quickly from the green-eyed monster.
The first thing I've realised is that there is no justice in all of this at all. Absolutely shit things happen to lovely people, couples who would be wonderful parents struggle with infertility or miscarriage whilst hopeless parents pop'em out right left and centre. still struggling with the urge to slap people dropping fag ash on their bumps outside school
It is absolutely not fair but it has nothing to do with you not being good enough.
The second thing is sometimes you dont know what people have been or are going through to get their "perfect" life. To an outsider I have two beautiful boys, but I've had 4 miscarriages along the way and the last 2 yrs have been a struggle of TTC for a year and then 3 miscarriages in quick succession. Only very close friends know about them. Very few people truly get through life without some crap to deal with.
The third thing is you don't want your SIL's baby, you want your own. I think you'll find once the baby arrives it's easier to deal with a nephew or niece who is a real little person, it's the pregnancy you are jealous of at the moment.
I'd suggest you talk to them or ask your mum to let them know what happened, then hopefully they'll have the grace not to rub your nose in it. Have you talked to your mum about the bootees? It might help to have them for a memory box or to keep for the baby you will have in the future, I'm sure she will understand you don't want them to go to your SIL right now. Little things like that can make such a difference to how you feel.

Trinpy Sat 29-Jun-13 11:05:17

tadpole just wanted to say that I feel exactly the same as you - I feel like dh had moved on within a few days of the mc and I really resent that. I feel like saying 'didn't our child mean anything to you?' Though obviously would never say anything so hurtful! I also feel on some level that I can't move on because I'm the only person who still seems to care about this.

Trinpy Sat 29-Jun-13 10:58:17

Thank you for replying.

No my db and sil don't know I was pregnant. I'm not sure whether I want them to know.

I'm planning on calling my mum later and explaining that I'm not ready to hear details about their pregnancy yet. Also not ok with being referred to as an aunt; feel really uncomfortable with this for some reason.

Spoke to dh this morning and he's finally realised he cant stop me being sad/angry. I think now I can be honest with him about my feelings it will be easier for me to work through all the sadness.

Tadpole2013 Sat 29-Jun-13 10:47:11

Hang in there.
Today is exactly 2 weeks since my mc.
I stayed home for a week after my loss.
Returned to work where one person is expecting twins and rubs her tummy all the time. I mean all the time.
And the other, who was just two weeks ahead of me, is an office neighbour.
Hopefully soon you will be able to be happy for them despite.
My sister gave up trying after 10 years. Then another sister fell pregnant and she took care of my niece because she had time and my other sister had to return to work.
Lo and behold, she fell pregnant!
On Monday my darling niece, who is the apple of my eye, is turning two.
I know how you feel. I am slightly ashamed of the feelings I have. Including resenting my partner because I think he has already moved on and got back to life as usual.
But try and open your heart, my dear.
This too, shall pass.
Big hug
x

MaryKatharine Sat 29-Jun-13 09:44:36

It's not jealousy, it's grief. You don't really want them not to be pregnant but rather you want to be pregnant yourself.
I'm sorry for your loss, I have had 2, the second one at 9wks hit me hard. But I now have 4 beautiful children. We fell pg easily first time then suffered secondary infertility trying for our second and the m/c then too. It was a horrible time and I drifted away from my NCT friends who were all having their second and third because I couldn't stand to be around pregnant women and babies.

You should talk to your mum as she needs to understand that she needs to be there for you whilst being allowed to be joyous about your brother's baby. Did your brother and SIL know you were pg? If so then perhaps they are very mindful of your feelings and will do what they can to keep it out of your face so to speak.

I'm sorry for your loss and you'd upset.

Purplefrogshoe Sat 29-Jun-13 09:30:07

I had exactly the same experience with my 2nd mc, sil told me she was pregnant the day I had erpc, I avoided her for months but it got easier, the pain of your mc is just so raw now and you need time to grieve, don't be so hard on yourself, take care xx

SugarandSpice126 Sat 29-Jun-13 03:12:12

I don't know how your Dh can suggest your feelings are down to some kind of competitiveness... It doesn't sound like that at all, and I'm sorry he doesn't seem to understand. The feelings you are having are normal and they will fade eventually... and you have to tell yourself to 'snap out of it', it's very unlikely that it will help. Get some counselling if you are able and it continues to impact your life. You're not an evil person for feeling like this, it's just incredibly hard for you right now.

Trinpy Sat 29-Jun-13 02:55:33

and now dh is upset with me because he thinks I see having a baby as a competition. I know it sounds like that from the things I say but it's not how I feel. I think I'm just using them as an excuse to allow all the hurt I felt a week ago, but couldn't show, finally come to the surface.

I feel so upset and alone. Still 5 more hours until hometime.

Trinpy Sat 29-Jun-13 00:30:16

thank you. I'm so glad there are people online this late! Im at work but not really doing much. I kept crying so my colleagues told me to make a cup of tea and take a few minutes to myself.

I hate that dh seems to have moved on already. Everyone has and it's only me that can't. Dh is sympathetic to a degree but seems to think I should snap out of it and stop being so sad/angry.

Go with your feelings but don't decide or do anything, if you see what I mean. But allow yourself to feel all the grief and anger, now.

I'm sorry you've had the horrid experience of a MC and I'm sorry for your loss.

You know of course it is nothing to do with whether you "are good enough to have children". You are just terribly unlucky but its not your fault or anything you did or didn't do.

Look after yourself.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I have been there, and it is so very shit.

Best of luck for your own happy ending and your own DC playing with their cousin in years to come.

pookamoo Sat 29-Jun-13 00:09:24

[hugs] for you, even though it's un-mumsnetty. I don't have any advice but MN will hold your hand.

Fanjango Sat 29-Jun-13 00:09:22

These feelings are refectory normal. You are still going through an awful time in your life, it hurts and feels raw. I know how you feel but trust me it will get better, I've been trough mc twice years ago and the sadness is still there. You are not really jealous, you are in pain! Only time will heal this in the meantime just try to smile for them and know that one day it will get easier, just not yet

Trinpy Sat 29-Jun-13 00:04:08

My brother has told me tonight that he and his wife are having a baby. It is due just a few weeks before my baby would have been due. Dh and I both have fertility problems. we've been trying for nearly 15months. finally got pregnant but unfortunately mc last week. it's still so raw. There's so many nasty thoughts and feelings I have and I don't know how to deal with them. I can't tell anyone because it sounds so awful and unreasonable.

I'm jealous and angry.

They have money and good jobs they love and a nice house, and now a baby. why do they get everything and we don't? It's not fair.

When I had the mc I thought maybe this is a sign that Im not good enough to have children.

I don't want to be an aunt and I don't care about their baby. I know that's awful to think and even worse to say but I don't want to see it or hear about it. Especially not from my mum, I can imagine her so happy and gushing about her grandchild. I dont want to hear it. I don't want to see scan pictures.

When I told my mum I was pregnant she was so excited she started knitting baby bootees. I imagine her picking up the bootees she started for my child and knitting them for my brother's child instead. I know this probably isn't true.

I don't want to see my sil again until I'm pregnant because all I will think is that my baby would have been that age.

I hate them both for being so happy and lucky. I never want to see either of them ever again.

I mc at 5+3 so my baby was just a speck without a heartbeat but it meant so much to me. I am not close to my brother but there's no bad feeling between us so Im surprised by my reaction. I know I'm overreacting and being completely unreasonable but I can't move on and I don't want anyone else to either.

I dont know what to do.

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