Just so sad. Please tell me the pain eases

(14 Posts)
WibWoo Sun 23-Jun-13 15:14:11

It's a few weeks after my miscarriage and I am suddenly feeling overwhelmed with grief.
Its my birthday today and this was supposed to be when we announced the pregnancy to everyone.
Instead I spent it trying to look happy when my heart ached and trying not to let my sadness ruin my sisters' first pregnancy (after years of difficulties with IVF so we have all been so happy for her). She is 31wks and the baby kept kicking her. I'm genuinely so happy for her but a squirming healthy baby hurts so much right now.

I want my baby back. This might sound strange but I feel a real physical longing to have the baby back inside me even if its little heart isn't beating anymore. I know this is completely irrational and some people feel very upset by carrying the baby when it's no longer alive but I felt better before the surgery than after it. Almost like I can still protect it or be with it where as now the separation feels too much to bear.
I couldn't say any of that to anyone in RL and hope it doesn't sound completely mad written down.
At the moment I feel as though this pain will follow me for the rest of my life. I feel desperate to be pregnant again but know that wont take the loss away.
I have realised that I also feel a strong sense of failure. Maybe even ashamed. Like I couldn't protect my young. Again, I know this is irrational and really hope that is not offensive to anyone. I know at an intellectual level it's ridiculous but that doesn't seem to stop it.

After feeling as though I was working through things quite well I have been in floods of tears tonight. Literally unable to stop. Memories are flooding me. The sonographers voice at the first scan, my husband's face when he saw mine, having to let people know, being wheeled in to surgery etc etc.

None of this probably makes much sense as I'm very upset writing this but I was hoping someone who has experienced this heart break could tell me the same intensity won't be there forever and other peoples' pregnancies and babies become easier to manage.
I think most of all I'm desperate for a 'hug'. One I don't seem to be able to ask for elsewhere.

Greydog Sun 23-Jun-13 15:18:02

WibWoo, i have no advice, but I just wanted to give you love and hugs for what you are going through.

fackinell Sun 23-Jun-13 15:39:07

Oh WibWoo, I'm so sorry for your loss. I had a MC last summer and it is utterly devastating. It has got easier as time passes but it's difficult not to think of what milestones my baby would be reaching now. Especially as I was pregnant at exactly the same time as one of my customers and see her healthy son each wk.

I have no other DC and my DP has a teenage daughter (his partner had a few terminations too.) I found this terribly hard to deal with and felt like a total failure.

Feel free to PM me for support/rant/anything you like. Any chance you can get away for a holiday or a pamper wknd to clear your head?

Have some birthday wine and thanks flowers from me, even though you don't feel like it.

Bakingtins Sun 23-Jun-13 15:43:32

Wibwoo I would love to be able to give you a big hug. Is there anyone IRL who'll give you one, even if you can't say why it's needed?
I promise you it gets easier. The pain never completely goes away, but the awful raw intensity lessens until it's more of a wistful sadness for what might have been.
I have found at the time I go into a numb coping mode to get through it, and it's only a few weeks down the line that I'm able to grieve. The blaming yourself or feeling like you failed is v common but you already know it's irrational and it really wasn't your fault.
I'm going to try to find an article for you that I found a comfort, it's about how you carry cells with you throughout life from every pregnancy, both those that went to term and those that were lost early on, so your baby will always be part of you on a physical level as well as in your memories.

Mondaybaby Sun 23-Jun-13 16:06:22

Wib, what you have written has brought a lump to my throat so I wanted to come on here to givr you that hug you so badly need and want. What you wrote makes absolute sense and your pain is palpable. No, the pain may never completely go but in time you will learn to live with it and you will have to move forward in order to try for another baby. I only have a small idea of the emotions you're feeling. I did go through 4 failed iui attempts before the 5th one worked. I may have had a very early m/c, I'm not sure, but I remember the agony of those days. So big hug. x

Flossiechops Sun 23-Jun-13 16:14:12

Wibwoo, I completely understand where you are. I lost my first at 12 weeks just 3 weeks before my wedding. My chief bridesmaid was 4 months pregnant and at the top table kept fussing that the chicken wasn't cooked enough and may harm her baby. I just wanted to cry and cry. I promise it will get easier, the only thing that really eased my pain was becoming pregnant again. I wanted to try after the first month had passed and was fortunate to get pregnant again within the 2nd month. I now have two gorgeous dc and if I'm completely honest I don't think too much about the pregnancy I lost, I guess it's just a coping mechanism. Be kind to yourself and give yourself time to grieve.

Bakingtins Sun 23-Jun-13 17:37:34
WibWoo Mon 24-Jun-13 14:45:31

Thank you all so much for helping me through yesterday. The flood of tears has stopped for now and I just feel very tired.
Bakingtins- understanding that the cells of my baby are still with me is more comforting than I could ever say in words. I have a feeling the knowledge will heal me time and time again. Thank you from my heart.

Loutwenty Mon 24-Jun-13 14:52:38

I had a mmc confirmed 12 April - I would have been 8 weeks, the baby had died a few days before. It was a shock.

I waited to miscarry naturally and did so on May 4th, so a long wait, it felt like a lifetime.

I cried for weeks.

It's only been the last month that it's not been the only thing on my mind. ALthough, I can't drink alcohol - that's when I break down over it. I had a few drinks on saturday, my first drink in 6 weeks as i thought I was coping better - nope, I was crying my eyes out in the bathroom so dh didn't see.

I want to try again soon, but I am still terrified of another MC. But I want to be pregnant by the due date, I am not sure I could cope if not, the due date is also the anniversary of my mums death.

It is hard, I never thought I would get through it, but its becoming easier as time passes.

meow57 Thu 27-Jun-13 15:02:10

Hi WibWoo and everyone else,

I just came on Mumsnet to write a very similar post and have had a good read of all the replies. I have had two mmc in the last 9 months. At first I was upset and dealing with the physical side, I had to have that operation and that knocked me out. Then I had loads of life stress relating to money and houses and I think that took all my attention for a while. Now I am in a period of feeling rather mental. I am crying several times and day and cannot cope with the smallest thing going wrong. I feel depressed and have feelings like you describe of failure. My partner also has a child from his previous relationship. I am so totally scared about my next pregnancy, part of me wants a rest from it all but the other part is desperate to get pregnant and for it to go well this time.

It's good to hear it gets easier but right now I feel dreadful. My family and friends are being lovely although I know my husband is stressed out too.

My friends always say how strong I am but right now I feel like a mess.

I've had a few days annual leave from work which I think helped but I can't keep doing that. Part of me feels like getting signed off work, I am spending much of it in tears (I work from home so that doesn't help) but tat adds to my feelings of failure.

I'm getting some counseling but I feel like it's actually making me feel worse.

Also apologies for the rant but it helps!

x

MummyOfSunbeam Thu 27-Jun-13 15:12:01

WibWoo I choked up reading your post - you can see in your writing how much you loved your LO. I just wanted to say I am 100 per cent sure they knew they were cherished and beloved. Xx - and an unMN tight hug.

Bakingtins Thu 27-Jun-13 17:01:30

Meow Sorry you hear you are struggling. I firmly believe that you have to deal with all the emotions that a loss brings up. If you are a "coper" and squash it all down at the time, it may come back to haunt you later. I hope that letting it all out and discussing it all with your counsellor will prove to be a healing experience for you in the long run.

WibWoo Fri 28-Jun-13 14:18:45

Hi everyone. Thought I'd check back in having been bolstered over the last week by the sharing and very welcome hugs.

Meow, I have just read your post and am so sorry for your losses. I really feel for you, and wanted to send support and hugs.

I think hard times can be harder when you are well know to everyone as a someone who 'just copes''. Many seem unsure of what they can offer when you are someone who usually has it covered. I don't know if its possible or even what you want but maybe you could get quite prescriptive with ways people could be there for you ...?

One thing I was recently able to ask the few people who know about my mc was to 'take me as I am' in the short term and to try not have any preconceptions about how I might act/ grieve or for how long. It was a massive step for me and had freed me up to be flat in their presence without worrying about bringing them down and has also allowed me to be happy without it sending the message that I am 'over it' and fine. A small step for some but an important one for me in accepting the roller coaster of emotions.

I have been trying hard to do small but basic kind things for myself (bought myself flowers, downloaded a happy series etc). I found nothing helped at all last week and I'm sure there will be days where nothing much makes a difference but the pattern of looking after myself does seem to be helping. Maybe just acknowledging that I deserve it is something in itself.

Anyway, that turned in to a bit of a ramble but I'd love to hear small ways in which others have helped themselves to get through this period. I'm pretty desperate for thoughts on this as I still feel quite overwhelmed at times.. even though I'm sure the major factor is time.

Bakingtins. I know I've said this already but the article you posted has given me so much comfort. I feel so much calmer knowing we are still together in some tangible way.

Bakingtins Sat 29-Jun-13 21:14:44

Hi Wibwoo. One thing that has really helped me is to do something to honour the baby. After first MC I bought a forget-me-not charm to wear on a necklace. In the end I felt I was carrying the sadness around and chose to throw it into the sea at a beauty spot. After 2nd miscarriage I dug over a corner of the garden and have planted it with a special plant for each baby, choosing something associated with the names I'd thought of for them or with remembrance. My intention is to get pebbles engraved with the dates of the losses to put in there at some point. On the due dates I bought a charity gift related to safe delivery for a baby in the 3rd world.
I think one of the difficult things about a Mc is there are none of the normal rituals associated with a bereavement that help you to grieve and move on, no condolence letters, no funeral, no wake.
Other people have suggested releasing a balloon or lantern, writing a letter or poem, lighting a candle, making an entry in the hospital book of remembrance, attending a memorial service for lost babies.
I'm also staggering through c25k and hoping to do a sponsored 5k for the miscarriage association at the end of the summer.

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